dominateartimus: (Watch me fall apart)
[personal profile] dominateartimus
[It was very unusual for Xander to post to the network at this time of night. As the recording starts, the sound of a cupboard door being closed and a small grunt of pain is heard before he starts to speak.]

...Apparently there's a "family" claiming that they own this city and they won't hesitate to make a point with violence.

[There's a small creak of wood flooring and a shift of material, followed by another pained grunt.]

I would recommend that you don't travel alone and try to avoid engagement if you see a group of people following you. You'll thank me later for it.

[With that, he ends the recording.]

video;

Jun. 26th, 2014 11:18 pm
hotshots: ([L] - 0021)
[personal profile] hotshots
[ Video starts, and it's Neil. Don't mind the messy apartment behind him, because he has a sharp enough look in his eye that you'd probably be better not to call him on it right now. ]

Sup, kids? Neil here.

So! If any of you have turned on the news the past couple days, I'm sure you've seen some crap went down in Vegas. Given all that, I think it's safe to say...

Ladies and gentlemen? The honeymoon's over.

[ He sighs a bit, and leans back in his seat. ] So. Here's the thing. Down here at Giant Robot HQ, we've got some handy dandy access to the FBI. All things told, things haven't been that shabby for us. Everything's been on the up and up.

[ He waves a hand. ]

Then you get something like this. So what I'm tellin' ya, it's for your own benefit, folks.

Thanks to this Goldman kid, FBI presence is ratcheting up. Both cities. They're gonna be on the lookout for anything stirring up shit and causing trouble out there.

[ He leans back to the camera, propping his head up on one hand. ]

This doesn't mean you run and hide, this doesn't mean the FBI's out to get ya. What it does mean is everyone needs to be careful. This is about a hell of a lot more than just us, and the only way we're gonna be seen right is if we act right.

Is it fair one kid's screw up puts the spotlight even harder on the rest of us? Maybe not, but hey - that's the way the world works. We've gotta deal with it now, and the only way we will is if we watch our asses from here on, 'cause now we gotta do it even more. Especially you all with powers. Watch your heads, okay?

I know I don't have to tell this to a lot of you, but think before you act, guys. And maybe remember... it ain't just us out there, now.

[ With that, he cuts the feed, and only after that does he give a long breath.

Boy.

This was gonna be fun.
]
buildyourworld: (i don't like the sound of this)
[personal profile] buildyourworld
Who: Karl Aurion ([personal profile] flamberge), Eriks Saverem ([personal profile] featherduster), Neil Dylandy ([personal profile] hotshots), Eugen Lambert ([personal profile] buildyourworld), Yoko Aznabel ([personal profile] sucrosity) & Cesar Sanchez-Ortiz ([personal profile] evowhisperer)
What: An FBI Inspection Team to Thundercorps following a tip about a secret basement wing.
When: 20th June
Where: Thundercorps
Warning: Socially awkward uniformed men (and lady) trying to be serious.

nobody believe that bullcrap excuse for our blackout )

Video

Jun. 18th, 2014 07:15 am
squicksilver: (hmmmmmm)
[personal profile] squicksilver
[ Alex is holding his phone in a selfie video shot. He’s in his street clothes, hence no glitter or sequins, but there is… something perched on his shoulder. ]

Hello, hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I see you’ve all been terribly busy, what with traffic problems and power outages and echoing back pastry and —

HEADS STRAIGHT UP THEIR ASSES!

[ The something just talked. It’s a doll: a creepy, horrible doll that just now seemed to come alive. Alex shifts the camera angle, so her maniacal grin is more clearly visible. ]


Ha! Ha! Ha! Goodness, Emily. You naughty girl! Nobody likes to be reminded how short-sighted and parochial they are. So, without further ado…

There’s been another murder, ho-hum for Vegas, right? A Thomas Lowry from Colorado here for a convention. Sound familiar to anybody? I never saw him on the network, so I don’t believe he was part of our little club, but who knows? Anywaaaay! Shot in the heart and found in a gondola in the Venetian.

In other news, the pink light came back, and this time it seems to be here to stay. Unfortunately it’s been encouraging our latest batch of —

SICK MORONS!

— eccentrics, who were already abnormally excited by the murders. And finally… hm well. I suppose I might as well show you this, cos I was there.

[ He scrolls through his video clips, finally clicking on one of them. He speaks in a voice-over, above the muted sounds of shrieking: ]

The local shellfish decided getting boiled in a pot wasn’t quite what they wanted out of life, and… well…. as you can see…

[ The Bellagio fountain is roiling with crustaceans: crabs pour over the sides of the fountain, and scuttle sideways away. Lobsters wave their great claws, balefully. One of them manages to clamber up a railing, jump down and pinch an eager acolyte of “Children of the Shell” in the ass. ]

Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s very amusing, isn’t it Emily? But nothing particularly out of the ordinary for Vegas, right? And certainly not worth a trip down here, to sort out what’s going on.

[ His voice is sounding increasingly strained. ]

Right, well. Carry on! And I just wanted to say —

[ Emily hurls herself at the phone, filling the frame with her fixed, awful grin, whilst screaming: ]

GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE, YOU SUPERHERO IDIOTS!
shineonyou: (its a gentleman's jojob)
[personal profile] shineonyou
Hey, yo, 'sup. JoJo here.

[ He waves, also showing off some fancyass leather gloves. Despite his friendly attitude, he looks pale. When he speaks, he’s out of breath. ]

Got some requests for another movie night. [ huff. ] So I’ll play those in a bit. It’ll give you somethin' to watch while waiting for me to show off my new super power. You guys wanna see it? I mean, I think it’s pretty cool.

[ huff puff. He holds up a small, Harlequin Romance novel (The Dare, specifically). He presents the book to the network much like a stage magician presents a new prop... before he starts tearing it to pieces. Each page is torn out and ripped up; not even the cover survives. In the end, there’s a pile of what was formerly a particularly hot, steamy novel. ]

So, I’ll ruin the suspense... I can put it back together. It takes a longass time, but, man, like a phoenix, this crappier Fifty Shades will rise from its higher quality ashes.

[ huff. He takes off his gloves and just shoves a hand into the pile of ripped paper. ]

But, like I said, we’re gonna be here for a few hours. So while we wait, here’s some more movies...

[ huff puff. On the schedule tonight and throughout the next day are a few old Godzilla movies, Wickerman, The Bee Movie, Space Jam again, Birdemic and the sequel, half of Gravity before JoJo half-heartedly apologizes and says it’s too stressful, a Batterman movie, MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE, White Chicks, and Billy Madison. In the corner of the screen, he’s set up his webcam to focus on the former book throughout the movie marathon. If you’re observant, you might notice the pieces of it slowly pulled together until entire pages are mended. But you've got to be insanely observant—it’s like watching Game of Thrones streamed off particularly slow internet while also running Skype and iTunes simultaneously. A little more obvious is that Jonas passes out halfway through the first movie and doesn't move except to skip Gravity before passing out again.

In the end, the book's back together and it takes an hour or so after the last movie, but JoJo wakes up, looking worse than before. He puts his leather gloves back on, runs his hands through his hair, and offers a sleepy grin.
]

So here's the real question... [ JoJo presents the book to the network again. The text on some of the pages on the inside is missing. He doesn't seem to notice, though. ]

How am I gonna make some big bucks with this power?

[video]

Jun. 3rd, 2014 09:40 pm
swissarmyjesus: (so how 'bout that awkward grin amirite?)
[personal profile] swissarmyjesus
[This is the first time Chuck has ever shown his face on the network, so he's looking a little nervous when the video starts up. It doesn't help that, in the worst case scenario, he's about to open himself to potential murder here. Still, he forces a more or less casual expression as the video starts.]

So. I know you, but you don't me. I'm Chuck--moved into town about a year ago, and been on this network since January.

...I'm also a Blood Key. [Chuck grabs the neckline of his shirt and pulls it down to show the keyhole tattoo on camera.] Now, before any of you start sharpening your axes, I'm saying that to try and help--trust me, I think what's going on here is just as messed up as you do, and I have information I bet you guys could use.

So instead of trying to kill me, just...think of me as your man on the inside. [He puts on a confident grin, almost leaning into a smirk.] Deal?
featherduster: hmph, judging (damn kids and their smartphones)
[personal profile] featherduster
Who: Eriks, Karl, Melissa, guest-starring Nick?
When: Backdated to Wednesday, 5/28
Where: LCPD HQ
What: An innocent FBI officer doing his honest job! And not getting paid enough for it!
Warnings: PG-13 makeouts of the police force scandal variety

After the FBI finally decided there ISN'T a sex scandal . . . )
featherduster: hmph, drama, judging (anime?! anime.)
[personal profile] featherduster
[ Given how much FBI and police blood, sweat, and (mostly) tears went into quelling the vermini outbreak in Locke City, similarly suspicious occurrences in Las Vegas are bound to inflame a few fears, even all the way in New Jersey.

It's how this YouTube video ends up sliding across the FBI's desks this Tuesday morning, not 12 hours after it was filmed and put up. It will probably be going viral shortly. ]


Two very important public service announcements this morning. The first, for those of you in Vegas, is this video.

CW: bunny violence.

[ The following is a shaky phone cam video of a blonde man in a top hat and a glittering, sequined tuxedo. He’s mid-patter, about to set up a card trick, when he suddenly starts to sneeze. He apologizes and tries to blow his nose, except his handkerchiefs keep turning into doves and flying away. Finally, with a look of dawning realization, he sweeps off his top hat (first tipping it to the audience, demonstrating that it’s empty) and theatrically reaches into it.

“Why, it’s as I suspected! You see, I’m terrrrrribly allergic to — AAAAAAAA!

He yanks his hand out of the hat, hurling it to the ground. Something white flies out of it and attaches itself to the man’s throat, bowling him over. There’s blood everywhere, the man is still shrieking, and at this point the video gets too shaky to see clearly, one hopes because the particular audience member doing the filming is too horrified to continue, but actually it’s because he (along with the rest of the crowd) is laughing too hard. ]

I know the cops aren't exactly our favorites around here, but if you end up running into something you don't think you can handle, call the police. Or animal control or... I dunno, somebody with a net. Personal safety first, secure your own mask before helping others with theirs, etc. etc.

Second public service announcement: be kind to our fluffy animal friends, because they have feelings, too. And also teeth.


[ THAT ONE'S FOR YOU, ALEX I-DON'T-NEED-FLUFFY-DUCKS MERCURE. ]

Oh, and our good friend Mr. Mercure is mostly fine, before you ask. Turns out everything's more dramatic in Vegas.
featherduster: vibing (calm down brad)
[personal profile] featherduster
Who: Eriks and Eugen
What: Booze. Yeah............
Where: Eriks' place, because Eugen now gets carded for beer
When: Friday night

Read more... )
theboywiththebook: (im losing faith)
[personal profile] theboywiththebook
Before )

[Later, he took shelter in some kid's tree house a couple streets away. No video this time because nobody needed to see that he had been crying for the last several hours. The idea of even admitting this to anybody and especially on the stupid network was embarrassing. But, realistically he couldn't survive on his own. Sure his magic may be able to create food and some things that could let him live on his own, but he couldn't create a place to hide. Sooner or later someone would find him, bring him to the police and then send him out of Locke to who knows where. At least with people they could make sure he was hidden well. He hoped pitifully to himself that if there was any mercy in this universe nobody would ask why, they would just help him. So, with the greatest reluctance he turns on feed and uses the voice feature. Nobody needed to see that he had in fact been crying for the past several hours.]

Look, I'm not going to dance in circles this time: I need some place to go. Like right now. I don't have a place to stay anymore and I can't hide where I am forever. Someone's bound to check this stupid tree house sooner or later.

[And trying to sound a bit more grown up he adds:]

I don't want any questions. Okay? J-just a yes or a no. And don't get the police involved! I don't need to end up on some lab table for the aliens to poke at.

swissarmyjesus: (this is more disturbing than expected)
[personal profile] swissarmyjesus
Remember the guy who was kidnapped by the mafia and asking for help to get him out of there?

Well, he's gone now--they either took him somewhere else...or worse. I don't know for sure. Has anyone seen him on the network lately? We might still be able to help if he's around on here.


[and if he's not...Chuck doesn't want to entertain that thought.]
knights_king: (Default)
[personal profile] knights_king
[In the evening, Arthur wrote the 'numbers' on the surface of a large window panel with a dry erase marker. He had been busy all week and mostly silent, save for a handful of chats. He was standing in a full, black suit and grey dress shirt that looked as if it were tailored rather than pulled from a thrift shop. He was even wearing driving gloves, to fit the look a hitman would go for.

Anyone listening would likely be confused, because this is going to be the most articulate Arthur will ever have been to date.]


I had a pretty busy week. A lot of good things happened and I'm pretty sure it's all because of the guy I used to be. I feel good, but I get the impression he felt like he was walking on sunshine all day long.

[Arthur paused, swallowing his words for that moment. He was beating around the bush.]

I don't like the guy I think I used to be. He said something that made me really worry he was a horrible guy and that whatever he had at his disposal was something he didn't deserve, but forget that guy.

I'm not looking to be a hero or win people over--I just wanna prove that asshole wrong. So, if you guys ever need my help--ask for Arthur York.

[Text to George's Cell]
new number this is artie

so this hotel fridges bar is already paid for
pheromonecoffee: (Summon ♪ And the things)
[personal profile] pheromonecoffee
[Today you are graced by yet another glorious view of Matt, today outside. He is sitting on his aunt and uncle's back deck, by the light of a few citronella candles. There is dramatic music playing. He has a handful of index cards, that he flashes at the screen one by one. They read as follows:

So a lot of people have been asking me about Persona and stuff.

I think a lot of you don't believe me.

Those guys suck.

A bunch of you want me to show you, though.

It can't hurt right?

Okay I'm going to give you 30 seconds to walk away because it's disturbing.

No one under 13 OK?

So College got cancelled.

I'm devastated.

Who would cancel a show like that?

What would you have to be smoking?

CULT FOLLOWING.

I think it's been 30 seconds.

Last chance.


And he puts the cards down.]


Seriously, don't blame me if you watch after this. It's kinda dark.

Cut for Persona 3 summoning )

I can't believe they cancelled it. It was just getting good again.
featherduster: uhoh, bullied, sheepish (that's not what the instructions said...)
[personal profile] featherduster
Who: Ace and Misato
What: Being late to a date like a champ
Where: Locke City, movie theater
When: Saturday evening
Warnings: Vague The Amazing Spider-Man 2 spoilers whoops

Read more... )

Text

May. 1st, 2014 10:27 am
squicksilver: (Freaks!)
[personal profile] squicksilver
Look at this:

[ Linked is a story in the Las Vegas Sun about the grisly murder last night. ]

You're morons, all you people in Vegas flaunting your "powers." Go home. You're attracting the wrong sort of attention. Leave entertaining to the professionals.

And don't say anything about me, if anyone asks.
featherduster: ?, unsure, neutral (ping?!)
[personal profile] featherduster
Who: Eriks and Nick
When: Sometime during the week
Where: LCPD HQ
What: Nothing even remotely like creepily hunting down an old friend

NOTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT )
squicksilver: (hello sailor)
[personal profile] squicksilver
[ Alexander Mercure is staring at his phone as if it were an unwanted kitten in his living room, coughing up hairballs made of pure gold. ]

Ah… Haha….

[ An instant later, his lips are parted in a dazzling smile, revealing his whitened teeth, which show even brighter against his made-up face. He’s clad in a top hat, white tie and tails, every inch covered in sequins. From the silver dust on his cheekbones to the gold fringe on his sleeves, he glitters. ]

Goodness, what a surpriiiiise! Why, here I’ve been reading about all of you amazing people, only to find myself one of your number. The “numbers club,” how adorable. That means something a little different here in Las Vegas, haha! Anyway, anyway! I suppose I ought to introduce myself. I’m Alexander Mercure. But my friends call me…

[ DRAMATIC PAUSE ]

Alexander… the Great!

[ A beat, wherein he looks very very serious — and then collapses all over in giggles. ]

Ahahhaha, forgive me. That’s the name of my show. It’s at the Flamingo. Nightly at nine and twice on Sundays. I’ve heard that some of you are coming to visit our fair city, so I’d like to extend an invitation to each and every one of you. Be sure to stop backstage afterwards, I’d loooove to meet all of you wonderful heroes!

[ Everything about this screams setup, from the "superpowered" girl in his show (ordinary parlour tricks), to the numbers in his head (third-rate mentalism), to this bizarre network. It's elaborate, but it's obviously just a marketing ploy, if one wants to be generous; or a confidence scheme, if one doesn't.

Well! If anybody thinks they're going to fool Alexander the Great, they've got another thing coming. Already he's turning the tables on these people — whoever they are — and using their fancy network to pimp his show.

He starts to wave goodbye — but hesitates, putting his (sequined) white-gloved fingers to his lips. ]


Aaaaaah, but I’ve noted that some of you are rather young. No kiddies at the evening shows, sorry about that. Twenty-one and older, if you please. [ wink wink ] Little angels can come to the Sunday matinee.

[ Wiggling his sparkling fingers: ]

Bye byeeeeeeeee!
centurian: (human ✮ tough luck bro)
[personal profile] centurian
[ It's been a while since Gerald has actually made a post of his own to the network. There's been a variety of reasons for this, including, but not limited to: FBI investigations into certain detectives, giant snakes attacking the city, and trying to explain to his superiors what the heck is going on.

But today. Oh, he has a very important message today. ]


Now, I know all of us are pretty confused about the aliens showing up and actually appearing to be pretty decent guys, but if you don't mind, I'm going to take a minute to share some important information that I picked up from a certain "trusted source".

[ His "trusted source", of course being himself. It hasn't gone to press yet, but as far as he knows, he isn't violating any regulations either (and that's the most important thing). ]

According to this source, earlier this morning, a group of "ruggedly handsome" FBI agents (my source's words, not mine) showed up to arrest a certain Detective Jason "Bastard" Sherman (again, the "bastard" part came from my source). I wasn't there, so I can't exactly speak as to how it all went down, but here's a dramatic reenactment, to help you along.

image heavy post ahead )

I can't tell you what's going to happen next, since my source wasn't exactly "forthcoming" with that information, or if there's going to be a trial date any time soon, but I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief and hope that things are finally starting to look up.
buildyourworld: (That's....)
[personal profile] buildyourworld
[ The post started off in text because it's the only way he can explain things without shoving it straight into his network friends' face, especially years long friends like Melissa and Celia. After two days of hiding himself away from everyone and finally letting the truth sinks in, he realizes there's no way the drastic change that happened to him isn't real. So with a resigned mood, he booted up his laptop. ]

So...
This might come as a surprise to those of you who knew and have seen me, Tieria, outside of the network.
Right after the broadcast, I received a pulse in the form of physical modification. Thankfully, I did not became an animal or any strange beings, however, the change is drastic enough that I no longer view keeping my appearance from the network necessary. I'm not sure how to explain it so I'm going to switch over to video to make this easier.


[ With a deep breath, he turns on the webcam. In place of his usual brown hair, amber eyes and 24 years old with a mild tan from having worked on the farm is his brand new Innovade body. He's spotting purple hair, red eyes and looks no older than 16 years old, with a skin complexion that would make any girl jealous on first sight. ]

If you have a heart attack, I'm sorry. [ He grimaces, adjusting his glasses in a nervous bout. ] To those who helped me out in my previous post, thank you. I'm no longer suffering from migraine the moment this change took place. So I supposed, there's something good about of it.

[ Sighing softly, he gives the network a weak smile. ] This is going to take some adjusting to...
innovated: (veda)
[personal profile] innovated
[ TEXT & VOICE, SIMULTANEOUSLY. ]
[ The post coming over the network is strange. It's audio and a simultaneous text transcription. The voice is being relayed to the network, but the pitch is slightly off in the same way that your voice sounds different to you when you hear it recorded.]

This is difficult to explain. Either I'm hallucinating all of these text, voice, and video posts on this imaginary network or you're all real. I'm hoping for the latter at the moment, because I could really use some help, even from imaginary super heroes. This gives me the worst migraine to talk this way, but I've been given some Vicodin, and I don't know how much longer I have until it wears off. I need to be quick. I'm not writing on a surface, or tapping, or talking out loud. I've read that's how you normally talk to people here. Veda. If that means anything to you, or if you're one of the people I can feel somewhere out there, find me.

I was abducted from outside of Locke City University. I'm being held somewhere. I have no idea where I am. It's a plain metal room and this chair and mask are uncomfortable as hell. I don't know how many days have passed. How long has it been since the snake attacked downtown? They sent a doctor into the room earlier, and he called me one of 'Them'. Is that supposed to mean one of you?

I've been asked so many questions about Gundams and how I turned them on, but I don't have the answers they're looking for. I don't know if they're ever going to let me out of here or if they're going to kill me. Someone get me the hell out of here.

[ Locked for Quantum Brainwave Users ]
imbibing: (Hi!)
[personal profile] imbibing
Who: Misato and Ace
What: A date?? I don't even know what this thing is.
When: Saturday evening
Where: Misato's place
Warnings: None -- yet!

So plans were changed, but they're still having Italian. )
deposes: (sad- shit shit shit)
[personal profile] deposes
cw: dismemberment )

[[OOC: If no one can help her call an ambulance in time, she'll be found by a passerby! Don't expect detailed responses too, though I guess that's a given.]]
seethelanterns: (Default)
[personal profile] seethelanterns
[The number wasn't nearly as bad as the headache that came when Solana got her first echo. The image of a haunting and somehow familiar sun emblem. She tried to ignore it. Figured it to just be some random string of numbers. Finally, she types them into her computer, frowning and staring as she reads through the result. The network.]

So this is the network. This number club thing? Maybe now I've figured it out, I won't have it in my head all the time. It's good to know I'm not the only one at least. A lot has been going on lately. I mean, I thought this stuff was all just in stories. Not. You know, actually real. The whole super powers or whatever else that we apparently get. I haven't got anything like that. Not yet anyway. I feel sorry for those who are more obvious about theirs.

Anyway, my name is Solana, and I wanted to ask something. What I got was--hang on.


[The feed changes to video as she turns on the webcam, biting her lip and brushing some short brown locks from her face as she quickly sketches this sun emblem.]

This. I was painting like I always do, in my mother's studio when I painted a sun and saw this. Like it was on some sort of flag, with purple behind it. It probably doesn't mean anything to anyone, but I figured it couldn't hurt to ask? I just can't stop thinking it is important somehow. Which is....crazy right? It's just a sun. But...I don't know. I just can't shake that feeling for some reason. If it seems familiar to anyone else? Let me know. I'd appreciate it.
buildyourworld: (gn particles overload)
[personal profile] buildyourworld
[ In the beginning, it was only headache, dull but annoying. It wasn't anything serious so he paid it no heed except popping a Tylenol or two when it became unbearable. He's more concerned about the voice he heard before the headache hit. It's always the same voice, someone asking for help. It started after his Gundam was remotely turned on not too long after the giant snake's defeat. He had ignore it completely the first few times, because the voice had inconveniently spoken up when he was busy tinkering with the Gundams. But as days passed, the pleas became more often, and the dull headache evolved steadily into migraine.

Perhaps it would have been wiser to tell someone but how on earth does he explain hearing voices in his head? It hasn't occur to him that it might be the result of a pulse as he had missed the familiar pull of a pulse when the headache first hit. So instead, he's taken to keeping quiet, reasoning with himself that he's overworked and the voice is nothing but a byproduct of his tired brain. Which is why, after days of prolonged pain and restless sleep, he's asking for help... ]


I'll cut straight to the point.

I need help procuring medicine for migraine. I'll be upfront, I don't have the money for it and Tylenol is no longer helping. If you want something in return, I'm willing to discuss with you.
featherduster: -- (hello ladies please form a line)
[personal profile] featherduster
[ Eriks doesn't know why he puts the number into his phone. It's been a constant presence at the back of his head for a good week now, sure, but he's made an art out of ignoring it. No, more accurately, he doesn't notice he's put the number into his phone until his thumb has already done it: having already scrolled through everything that needs reading in the morning (work emails, the news, Tumblr of course—), he's left with nothing to do but fidget. And fidget he does, right into a goldmine of information that his bosses would skin a man for.

He forgets all about the eggs cooking on the stove and deposits himself in a kitchen chair, skim reading like no one has ever skim read before. Watches a few videos, follows a few links, listens to a few audio posts, and gleans too much and too little all at once. He can already tell his nights will be occupied with plenty of reading material for many weeks to come. Sleep? Not anymore, bud.

Still... reading is one thing. Watching is another. But conversation is absolutely indispensable, and he needs to talk with these people. But he needs to approach it carefully. Delicately. And, from the looks of things, not mention that whole 'with the Feds' thing.

With this in mind, he flips his phone camera to video, puts on his best charming smile, and initiates First Contact with exactly as much seriousness as he should. ]


Ladies and gentlemen, hello! I admit my disappointment that this isn't the beautiful, mysterious barista's phone number I thought it was, since I was pretty sure I memorized it. I guess she gave me a fake number, after all...

But here's the good news: this eligible bachelor has just become available in your undercover supernatural neighborhood! I enjoy long walks on the beach and extended discourse on the virtues of life and love. Hours of illuminating conversation are 100% free of charge, and there's even a platonic package available for the less daring. Inquire within for further details.

[ A beat, as black smoke billows from the abandoned frying pan behind him. He doesn't turn, doesn't even shift, but there's a brief second of tragicomedy in his expression when the smell of eggs-cum-charcoal hits his nose. How long has he been... ah, hell.

Composure utterly unwavering, ]


—And whoever recommends the best diner will receive a limited edition free coffee! Act now while supplies last; you'd be a fool to pass this one up, folks!

I apologize for the (exciting) interruption and you may now return to your usual programming.

[ Gives a winning smile as the video goes off — and then topples the chair (and very nearly the table) in his scramble to deal with what was once his breakfast.

Quite the catch, ladies and gentlemen, don't miss out!! ]