two; video

[enrages]

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Comments

audio

[sweetas]

50 cents each, five bucks for a dozen.

audio

[enrages]

Excellent.

audio

[sweetas]

It's the Sugar and Spice bakery. [Address goes here fight me.] You can come whenever you like. It's public, so it's safe.

audio

[enrages]

.......................... [ oh he knows that place ]

Uh. Weird question. Does an asshole old man come in from time-to-time and does he buy all the licorice scottie dog cupcakes you have?

audio

[sweetas]

...Oh my god, you know The Scottie Man?

audio

[enrages]

[ You can hear the facepalm. ]

He's my dad.

audio

[sweetas]

Oh my God.

audio

[enrages]

Oh god, how embarrassing is he? Is he really embarrassing?

audio

[sweetas]

One time he started a fight because someone ahead of him in line bought a single Scottie caramel...

audio

[enrages]

Oh my God.



...One time he grounded me because I dropped a Scottie cupcake. And then he ate it anyways.

audio

[sweetas]

Hahaha, oh man. It's really not polite to talk about customers like this, but...yeah he's...a character.

audio

[enrages]

He's crazy-- he deserves every bit of gossip that's out there.

audio

[sweetas]

We love him around here actually, he's pretty much the only person in town who buys Scotties. Actually, I learned recipes for licorice cupcakes and licorice caramels because he came in looking for Scotties once. So he might be weird, but we kind of also owe him!

audio

[enrages]

You're a dirty enabler.

audio

[sweetas]

Hee hee, maybe.

Anyway, I'll save a whole ton of red velvet for you.

audio ======>action;

[enrages]

Yeah, yeah. See you in a day or so.

[ and then he walks in a few days later, demanding stale red velvet cupcakes ]

action

[sweetas]

[It's evening, a few hours before the store closes, and seeing as it's now the day after the Fourth, the Independence Day-themed cupcakes are all just starting to get sale. And are therefore discounted. In other words, Karson picked the perfect time.]

[There's only a few patrons in the cafe at this point, and Candy herself is stationed at the register, though it's slow enough that she's thumbing through a book. She looks up when the bell on the door rings.]

Hello, welcome to Sugar and Spice!

action

[enrages]

Damn straight, you'd better welcome me. Where are my discounted cupcakes, woman?

[ He knew her from the moment she opened her mouth. She will know him from the moment he opens his. It's only fair, right? ]

action

[sweetas]

[Her face immediately brightens. She has no idea why she's been so taken with this little asshole but she is.]

Oh, Karson! Wow, good to see you! Haha, I was starting to wonder if you weren't coming. Got your cupcakes right here.

[She taps the display case where a dozen red velvet cupcakes are on display.] Got more in the back, too.

action

[enrages]

I've only got, like, ten dollars to spend. [ he says as he ogles the shit out of every cupcake in existence. ]

Shit happened to a friend of mine, and now... well, yeah. So, I'll take whatever ten dollars buys.

action

[sweetas]

[There are like ten billion cupcakes in the display case as well. All of them seem to be saying, "Eat us Kaaaaaarsonnnn!"] That should be enough for two dozen!

[She starts putting them into a box and glances up at him.] Uh oh. Is everything alright?

action

[enrages]

[ two dozen oh thank god. you can see the relief on his face. ]

Just dumb drama shit, which, unfortunately for me, will cost money I don't actually have.

action

[sweetas]

Ahh. That's always a pain isn't it? It's the worst when feelings are permanently hurt, but usually there's ways to fix things. [She finishes loading up the boxes, quietly making both of them a baker's dozen, then rings it up.] Yep, ten on the nose!

action

[enrages]

[ He hands over the dolla, a little bit hesitantly, because wow he needs dolla, but he also needs cupcake. ]

Yeah, yeah. Thanks. [ There's a brief pause before he continues. ]

Mind if I sit around and eat some of these?

action

[sweetas]

[Holla holla get cupcakes!]

Go right ahead! You want a free lemonade to wash 'em down?