Karson Valenti | {Karkat Vantas} (
enrages) wrote in
savetheearth2013-07-04 04:25 pm
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Entry tags:
- !open,
- #network,
- ar tonelico: mir,
- bbc's merlin: arthur pendragon,
- bleach: hollow ichigo,
- hikonin sentai akibaranger: nobuo akagi,
- homestuck: gamzee makara,
- homestuck: karkat vantas,
- homestuck: rose lalonde,
- homestuck: the disciple,
- homestuck: vriska serket,
- kamen rider ooo: kosei kougami,
- metal gear: raiden,
- original: alexander varista,
- original: camille,
- persona 3: pharos,
- s-cry-ed: kazuma,
- slayers: lina inverse,
- tales of symphonia: colette brunel,
- the protomen: protoman,
- warehouse 13: rebecca st. clair,
- warrior cats: bluestar,
- yu-gi-oh!: bakura ryou
two; video
[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]
Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.
So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!
[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]
So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.
Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.
So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!
[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]
So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.
audio
audio
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Anyway, I'll save a whole ton of red velvet for you.
audio ======>action;
[ and then he walks in a few days later, demanding stale red velvet cupcakes ]
action
[There's only a few patrons in the cafe at this point, and Candy herself is stationed at the register, though it's slow enough that she's thumbing through a book. She looks up when the bell on the door rings.]
Hello, welcome to Sugar and Spice!
action
[ He knew her from the moment she opened her mouth. She will know him from the moment he opens his. It's only fair, right? ]
action
Oh, Karson! Wow, good to see you! Haha, I was starting to wonder if you weren't coming. Got your cupcakes right here.
[She taps the display case where a dozen red velvet cupcakes are on display.] Got more in the back, too.
action
Shit happened to a friend of mine, and now... well, yeah. So, I'll take whatever ten dollars buys.
action
[She starts putting them into a box and glances up at him.] Uh oh. Is everything alright?
action
Just dumb drama shit, which, unfortunately for me, will cost money I don't actually have.
action
action
Yeah, yeah. Thanks. [ There's a brief pause before he continues. ]
Mind if I sit around and eat some of these?
action
Go right ahead! You want a free lemonade to wash 'em down?
action
action
[And that's when a fucking deer comes crashing through the front window.]
action
[ Can the human mouth form the syllables necessary for a verbal keyboard smash? Because this is a text based game, we will never know. But we do know that Karson's realistic or metaphorical keyboard smash is accompanied by him knocking the lemonade in the direction of the deer and backing up against the sales counter. ]
action
Hide!
[The deer barrels over a patron and then swings its head over to the counter, it's cold stupid gaze settling on Candy and Karson. It makes one of those deer WEEHHHH sounds and then shrieks like something not even remotely from Earth.]
action
Why the fuck is Bambi* looking at us, do deer even make noises oh jesus it's--
[ *or whatever this world's equivalence of Bambi is. Honestly, it doesn't matter, because the deer takes a very, very stupidly cold, but incredibly meaningful step towards Karson and Candy. Karson goes silent. ]
action
[The deer lets out another terrifying shriek and then, like the dumb asshole it is, it charge right for the counter. Candy screams.]
[Unfortunately for the deer, there's a big glass display case full of delicious baked goods between it and its targets. So it runs headlong into the case, smashing its head into the glass and into a cake, where it promptly DIES.]
action
Is... Is it... [ He stands, cautiously peering over the counter at the deer's corpse. Karson may or may not be crying right now. ]
action
Oh God, I think it's dead...
[Sandra, braver than the other people in the cafe right now, pokes the deer's flank with a broom handle. It doesn't move, but tiny little black specks come swarming out of the deer's nose. From the angle only Candy and Karson can see them as a handful of Vermini start plodding around in the cake.]
Jesus Christ, what the hell are those things? [She says it in a hiss, covering her mouth with both hands.]
[Outside, other people are coming by to stare in the shattered window, yelling and muttering about what the fuck a deer was doing in the city and what the fuck just happened.]
action
We-- Stay away from them. Don't touch them-- do you have bug spray? Like, like Raid? Or something? We need to kill them-- they're. Fuck, I dunno, I read something about these on the network. They gotta die, and we need to do it now.
action
Bug spray, I-- [They don't use Raid or anything like that in the cafe. Too dangerous. However.]
Bleach? I have bleach...
[Bleach will kill most anything she knows. She darts back into the kitchen and wrenches open the door to the cleaning closet. She grabs the first bottle of bleach she finds, runs back out and proceeds to dump it all over the Vermini.]
action
Karson collapses on his ass, still crying like a baby. ]
We... We gotta... [ What else are they supposed to do? His eyes flick about the room, searching for other dangers. It's because they're part of the numbers club, isn't it? That's why this shit happened, right? Why else would else would a fucking DEER attack them!?
He notices Sandra. He notices an asshole lowering his phone. He notices a few people staring at them, but most people staring at the deer. ]
We gotta run. Or go. Or-- the police can't know we're here-- or, you're supposed to be here, but not me, they shouldn't know I'm here, oh fuck. [ Is he hyperventilating? Yeah, you'd better believe it. ]
action
action;
action;