savetheearth | two; video

two; video

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He's crazy-- he deserves every bit of gossip that's out there.

We love him around here actually, he's pretty much the only person in town who buys Scotties. Actually, I learned recipes for licorice cupcakes and licorice caramels because he came in looking for Scotties once. So he might be weird, but we kind of also owe him!

You're a dirty enabler.

Hee hee, maybe.

Anyway, I'll save a whole ton of red velvet for you.

Yeah, yeah. See you in a day or so.

[ and then he walks in a few days later, demanding stale red velvet cupcakes ]

[It's evening, a few hours before the store closes, and seeing as it's now the day after the Fourth, the Independence Day-themed cupcakes are all just starting to get sale. And are therefore discounted. In other words, Karson picked the perfect time.]

[There's only a few patrons in the cafe at this point, and Candy herself is stationed at the register, though it's slow enough that she's thumbing through a book. She looks up when the bell on the door rings.]

Hello, welcome to Sugar and Spice!

Damn straight, you'd better welcome me. Where are my discounted cupcakes, woman?

[ He knew her from the moment she opened her mouth. She will know him from the moment he opens his. It's only fair, right? ]

[Her face immediately brightens. She has no idea why she's been so taken with this little asshole but she is.]

Oh, Karson! Wow, good to see you! Haha, I was starting to wonder if you weren't coming. Got your cupcakes right here.

[She taps the display case where a dozen red velvet cupcakes are on display.] Got more in the back, too.

I've only got, like, ten dollars to spend. [ he says as he ogles the shit out of every cupcake in existence. ]

Shit happened to a friend of mine, and now... well, yeah. So, I'll take whatever ten dollars buys.

[There are like ten billion cupcakes in the display case as well. All of them seem to be saying, "Eat us Kaaaaaarsonnnn!"] That should be enough for two dozen!

[She starts putting them into a box and glances up at him.] Uh oh. Is everything alright?

[ two dozen oh thank god. you can see the relief on his face. ]

Just dumb drama shit, which, unfortunately for me, will cost money I don't actually have.

Ahh. That's always a pain isn't it? It's the worst when feelings are permanently hurt, but usually there's ways to fix things. [She finishes loading up the boxes, quietly making both of them a baker's dozen, then rings it up.] Yep, ten on the nose!

[ He hands over the dolla, a little bit hesitantly, because wow he needs dolla, but he also needs cupcake. ]

Yeah, yeah. Thanks. [ There's a brief pause before he continues. ]

Mind if I sit around and eat some of these?

Edited 2013-07-06 23:40 (UTC)

[Holla holla get cupcakes!]

Go right ahead! You want a free lemonade to wash 'em down?

That... Actually sounds really good right now. Hell, I'll take anything free I can get.

Alrighty then! [She whips up one free, fresh-squeezed lemonade and hands it over to him.] Enjoy!

[And that's when a fucking deer comes crashing through the front window.]

Ajkdfhksjgdfuytrh sgdfkjshgkdfjshl gkdfi ydfoisuyh glkrsylifdysly flsdfskghdfklsjhgldfuisyotgyosu ghldfjshgkfjdshgkfhslkgfdgfds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ Can the human mouth form the syllables necessary for a verbal keyboard smash? Because this is a text based game, we will never know. But we do know that Karson's realistic or metaphorical keyboard smash is accompanied by him knocking the lemonade in the direction of the deer and backing up against the sales counter. ]

[PANIC IMMEDIATELY ENSUES. The assorted patrons in the cafe start screaming and scrambling to get away from the insane deer, Sandra leaps over the counter to start herding people out the door and Candy does the same. The deer is completely fucknuts and slashed all to hell because of the glass and is basically prancing around in the cafe, slamming its head into things like the shitty animal that it is, its hooves skittering on the floor. Candy grabs Karson and hauls him behind the counter.]

Hide!

[The deer barrels over a patron and then swings its head over to the counter, it's cold stupid gaze settling on Candy and Karson. It makes one of those deer WEEHHHH sounds and then shrieks like something not even remotely from Earth.]

[ Karson is full-bodily hauled over the counter, and for once in his life, he doesn't bitch about being manhandled. Instead, he peeks over the counter at the door, regretting his luck at being stuck on the other side of the bakery, away from the door. ]

Why the fuck is Bambi* looking at us, do deer even make noises oh jesus it's--

[ *or whatever this world's equivalence of Bambi is. Honestly, it doesn't matter, because the deer takes a very, very stupidly cold, but incredibly meaningful step towards Karson and Candy. Karson goes silent. ]

I don't know I didn't even know there were deer in the city oh God it's looking at us...

[The deer lets out another terrifying shriek and then, like the dumb asshole it is, it charge right for the counter. Candy screams.]

[Unfortunately for the deer, there's a big glass display case full of delicious baked goods between it and its targets. So it runs headlong into the case, smashing its head into the glass and into a cake, where it promptly DIES.]

[ Silence. Silence. Silence. The deer twitches a little bit before lying still, head resting in a cake and its throat slit by the glass display. ]

Is... Is it... [ He stands, cautiously peering over the counter at the deer's corpse. Karson may or may not be crying right now. ]

[He's not the only one crying; in the corner, a mother is hugging her son and both of them have broken down into abject sobs. Other patrons either high-tail it or creep forward to stare at the deer.]

Oh God, I think it's dead...

[Sandra, braver than the other people in the cafe right now, pokes the deer's flank with a broom handle. It doesn't move, but tiny little black specks come swarming out of the deer's nose. From the angle only Candy and Karson can see them as a handful of Vermini start plodding around in the cake.]

Jesus Christ, what the hell are those things? [She says it in a hiss, covering her mouth with both hands.]

[Outside, other people are coming by to stare in the shattered window, yelling and muttering about what the fuck a deer was doing in the city and what the fuck just happened.]

[ He was watching Sandra poke the thing, but as soon as Candy points something else out, he recoils away from the cake/deer/counter/vermini instantly. He's shit in situations that require being useful and reacting quickly, but for once in his life, he stumbles over to Candy and tries to pull her away. ]

We-- Stay away from them. Don't touch them-- do you have bug spray? Like, like Raid? Or something? We need to kill them-- they're. Fuck, I dunno, I read something about these on the network. They gotta die, and we need to do it now.

[She pulls back with him, staring at the bug monster creatures. No one else in the cafe has seemed to notice them, and Sandra is getting on the phone to call 911.]

Bug spray, I-- [They don't use Raid or anything like that in the cafe. Too dangerous. However.]

Bleach? I have bleach...

[Bleach will kill most anything she knows. She darts back into the kitchen and wrenches open the door to the cleaning closet. She grabs the first bottle of bleach she finds, runs back out and proceeds to dump it all over the Vermini.]

[ While she was gone, Karson kept his eyes on these weirdass motherfuckers-- ready to use a stale cupcake or two to keep them in place if they tried to escape. Thankfully, though, cupcakes were unnecessary, since it doesn't take Candy all that long to start murdering the shit out of them. There are a few chirps, puffs of steam, and they're gone.

Karson collapses on his ass, still crying like a baby. ]

We... We gotta... [ What else are they supposed to do? His eyes flick about the room, searching for other dangers. It's because they're part of the numbers club, isn't it? That's why this shit happened, right? Why else would else would a fucking DEER attack them!?

He notices Sandra. He notices an asshole lowering his phone. He notices a few people staring at them, but most people staring at the deer. ]

We gotta run. Or go. Or-- the police can't know we're here-- or, you're supposed to be here, but not me, they shouldn't know I'm here, oh fuck. [ Is he hyperventilating? Yeah, you'd better believe it. ]

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