savetheearth | two; video

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ He was watching Sandra poke the thing, but as soon as Candy points something else out, he recoils away from the cake/deer/counter/vermini instantly. He's shit in situations that require being useful and reacting quickly, but for once in his life, he stumbles over to Candy and tries to pull her away. ]

We-- Stay away from them. Don't touch them-- do you have bug spray? Like, like Raid? Or something? We need to kill them-- they're. Fuck, I dunno, I read something about these on the network. They gotta die, and we need to do it now.

[She pulls back with him, staring at the bug monster creatures. No one else in the cafe has seemed to notice them, and Sandra is getting on the phone to call 911.]

Bug spray, I-- [They don't use Raid or anything like that in the cafe. Too dangerous. However.]

Bleach? I have bleach...

[Bleach will kill most anything she knows. She darts back into the kitchen and wrenches open the door to the cleaning closet. She grabs the first bottle of bleach she finds, runs back out and proceeds to dump it all over the Vermini.]

[ While she was gone, Karson kept his eyes on these weirdass motherfuckers-- ready to use a stale cupcake or two to keep them in place if they tried to escape. Thankfully, though, cupcakes were unnecessary, since it doesn't take Candy all that long to start murdering the shit out of them. There are a few chirps, puffs of steam, and they're gone.

Karson collapses on his ass, still crying like a baby. ]

We... We gotta... [ What else are they supposed to do? His eyes flick about the room, searching for other dangers. It's because they're part of the numbers club, isn't it? That's why this shit happened, right? Why else would else would a fucking DEER attack them!?

He notices Sandra. He notices an asshole lowering his phone. He notices a few people staring at them, but most people staring at the deer. ]

We gotta run. Or go. Or-- the police can't know we're here-- or, you're supposed to be here, but not me, they shouldn't know I'm here, oh fuck. [ Is he hyperventilating? Yeah, you'd better believe it. ]

[Candy watches them die and immediately starts crying. What the hell? Magic steam-filled ticks? A dead deer right in front of her? Why is this happening?]

W-what...the police...? Oh...Oh God. Go. Go, run. I think I saw someone shooting video. Go!

[ He stands, wobbly on his feet. Looks like the shitstirring video-taper has decided the action's over, so he's lowered his phone. Thank God. ]

I-- I'll check up on you later, okay?! [ He says as he leaps the fuck over the counter and runs for the door. Suspicious behavior???? Super suspicious behavior-- but he's out the door and the fucks he could give are minimal. ]

Okay...be careful...go, run. [She shoos him off, watching to make sure no one's watching as he leaves. Plenty of other patrons are fleeing as well, while others are huddling in corners or creeping toward the deer.]

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