savetheearth | [audio; phone]

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[audio; phone]

[For a few moments, there's nothing but faint shuffling noises. Then:]

Is it on? Oh thank fuck somebody help, I'm- oh fuck-

[There's a thud, followed several minutes of swearing and ragey noises.]

Goddammit, just get me out of this thing ARGHRHGH-

[It goes on for like that for a while.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

HOW THE FUCK CAN A PAPOOSE BE SATAN?

IT'S THAT EVIL

Okay. Okay! As this post's only official actual real-life past-life Jesus, I will take it upon myself to solve your problem. I am holding a bible right now! Almost. I can do this! For you. For you.

[ she's actually holding mindfang's diary

how 8lasphemous ]

GET YE GONE FROM AROUND MY HOTTIE BOYFRIEND, PAPOOSE SATAN!

Did it work~?

NO IT FUCKING DIDN'T

Then I don't know what to say! Other than your papoose ain't satan. Maybe it's a Jesus papoose! And you're the satan! It's the only explanation for why Jesusing it didn't work.

SHUT UP I'M NOT SATAN

But that's sort of romantic! Imagine. Past-life Satan and past-life Fairy Jesus falling in like and engaging in all the makeouts, only to later realise that they are all tragic and star-crossed and shit because fate decrees they have to BATTLE TO THE DEATH FOR THE FATE OF HUMANITY ITSELF.

Okay not the last bit but the first bit stands.

Octavia, I'm not past life Satan.

Okay, god! It's just that you keep saying what an asshole he was and I thought maybe he was THAT much of an asshole. Maybe. And then I got excited because figuring out stuff about past lives is sort of cool! Even the bad stuff. Even if you were past life satan.

It's not that cool if you ask me. The more I remember the shittier it gets.

Yeah, but, like. The bad stuff makes you more grateful for what you have! Right? And seeing what a shit past you was can like. Help you not be a shit? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm working this. Or I'd have like. Murdered somebody by now! Haha.

[ Quietly ignoring the fact she just wanted to mind control mysterious kidnappers into committing suicide

um ]

Yeah, I guess. Though I think I was doing a pretty good job with not being a shit before I got to see what a shit past me was.

Uh, well. Yeah! But that's useful for like. People. Who have tendencies towards, uh, shitness. I mean there are probably some around here? And. Yeah.

[ NOT THAT SHE KNOWS ANYONE LIKE THAT HAHAHA

HA

HA... ]

So people like you who started off non-shitty get to become all heroic and stuff by rejecting the shittiness! Which is pretty great. Right?

Hey, I hope you're not saying you're not one of those people. Because you might not be the nicest person ever, but you're definitely not shitty.

[Master of sweet-talking right here, ladies and gentlemen.]

So if I get to be heroic, that applies for you too.

IIIIIIII don't think any heroes out there would do the whole. Suicidey mind. Thing. Even at people who would totally have deserved it if they had kidnapped you.

[He almost tells her that it's fine since definitely would have deserved it but thinks better of it.]

Well, uh. You wouldn't have actually done it, right? Is that even something you can do?

Uh. Iunno.

[ She would totally have fucking done it and her shitty attempt at a nonchalant tone probably isn't fooling anyone. ]

On either count! I mean when I've practiced people usually do whatever I try to make them do, but sometimes it's harder and I never try to make people do bad stuff or hurt themselves so. Dunno.

Oh.

[It still takes Alan some effort to remind himself that stuff like that is bad. Fuck crazy past self influences, man.]

Well, it doesn't matter since there weren't any kidnappers this time! Right?

This time? Do you plan on getting papoosed often? Have you developed an incredibly debilitating papoose addiction?

[ HAHA, JOKES.

JOKES ARE. FUNNY. ]

But, uh. Yeah. You're right! So right. I guess if I can just avoid being a villain, I don't have to be a hero. Heroes are overrated! So.

You're not gonna be a villain! No way. But maybe you could be like. A badass anti-hero?

Like [Batman] Rorschach from Watchmen! Only a hot rich chick instead of a crazy hobo. But badass and. Uh.

Wasn't he the guy that died at the end?

Okay, bad example. But there are tons of awesome badass anti-heroes who get happy endings!

I watch a fuckload of movies and I can't think of anybody who would straight-up mindmurder dudes and still got a happy ending.

How many movies have you seen where someone straight-up mindmurdered dudes, though?

None.

Because it ain't something even anti-heroes would do, I guess.