savetheearth | [audio; phone]

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[audio; phone]

[For a few moments, there's nothing but faint shuffling noises. Then:]

Is it on? Oh thank fuck somebody help, I'm- oh fuck-

[There's a thud, followed several minutes of swearing and ragey noises.]

Goddammit, just get me out of this thing ARGHRHGH-

[It goes on for like that for a while.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's not that cool if you ask me. The more I remember the shittier it gets.

Yeah, but, like. The bad stuff makes you more grateful for what you have! Right? And seeing what a shit past you was can like. Help you not be a shit? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm working this. Or I'd have like. Murdered somebody by now! Haha.

[ Quietly ignoring the fact she just wanted to mind control mysterious kidnappers into committing suicide

um ]

Yeah, I guess. Though I think I was doing a pretty good job with not being a shit before I got to see what a shit past me was.

Uh, well. Yeah! But that's useful for like. People. Who have tendencies towards, uh, shitness. I mean there are probably some around here? And. Yeah.

[ NOT THAT SHE KNOWS ANYONE LIKE THAT HAHAHA

HA

HA... ]

So people like you who started off non-shitty get to become all heroic and stuff by rejecting the shittiness! Which is pretty great. Right?

Hey, I hope you're not saying you're not one of those people. Because you might not be the nicest person ever, but you're definitely not shitty.

[Master of sweet-talking right here, ladies and gentlemen.]

So if I get to be heroic, that applies for you too.

IIIIIIII don't think any heroes out there would do the whole. Suicidey mind. Thing. Even at people who would totally have deserved it if they had kidnapped you.

[He almost tells her that it's fine since definitely would have deserved it but thinks better of it.]

Well, uh. You wouldn't have actually done it, right? Is that even something you can do?

Uh. Iunno.

[ She would totally have fucking done it and her shitty attempt at a nonchalant tone probably isn't fooling anyone. ]

On either count! I mean when I've practiced people usually do whatever I try to make them do, but sometimes it's harder and I never try to make people do bad stuff or hurt themselves so. Dunno.

Oh.

[It still takes Alan some effort to remind himself that stuff like that is bad. Fuck crazy past self influences, man.]

Well, it doesn't matter since there weren't any kidnappers this time! Right?

This time? Do you plan on getting papoosed often? Have you developed an incredibly debilitating papoose addiction?

[ HAHA, JOKES.

JOKES ARE. FUNNY. ]

But, uh. Yeah. You're right! So right. I guess if I can just avoid being a villain, I don't have to be a hero. Heroes are overrated! So.

You're not gonna be a villain! No way. But maybe you could be like. A badass anti-hero?

Like [Batman] Rorschach from Watchmen! Only a hot rich chick instead of a crazy hobo. But badass and. Uh.

Wasn't he the guy that died at the end?

Okay, bad example. But there are tons of awesome badass anti-heroes who get happy endings!

I watch a fuckload of movies and I can't think of anybody who would straight-up mindmurder dudes and still got a happy ending.

How many movies have you seen where someone straight-up mindmurdered dudes, though?

None.

Because it ain't something even anti-heroes would do, I guess.

Oh, come on. There's totally stuff where that happens. Like, uh...

[Give him a second.]

...Wait, Bioshock Infinite! You can make enemies kill themselves in that! And Booker's totally an anti-hero.

[And he dies at the end but shhhh.]

I PLAYED THAT FUCKING GAME ALAN HUNTER STOP COMPARING ME TO PEOPLE WHO DIE AT THE END OF THINGS I ALREADY DIED AT LEAST TWICE I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH DYING ALAN LIKE YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW

WELL HE KIND OF DOESN'T DIE SINCE HE'S STILL ALIVE IN THE PROLOGUE BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT, THE POINT IS THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE AND THERE WILL BE NO DYING

HE DIED AND NOBODY CARED OR LOVED HIM EXCEPT HIS DAUGHTER AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DAUGHTER ALAN LET ALONE A MAGICAL SPACEBENDING DAUGHTER

Edited 2013-09-29 20:11 (UTC)

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE AND ANYWAY I CARE ABOUT YOU AND LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE DO TOO AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE

This is stupid I hate everything I hate my stupid life and I hate my stupid potential death and I hate stupid hero bullshit and I hate past me and I hate THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT.

Hey hey hey no. It's gonna be okay, Octavia. I promise. You're not going to die.

Yeah. I know. I mean that's not what Jesuses and-slash-or bad people and murderers do or anything.

You're not any of those things. You're not past you, and you don't have to be anything like her if you don't want to.

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audio; wait shit we have a bioshock character now THIS THREAD IS NOW ABOUT WHYOCLOCK SIMFINITE

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audio; BONER HOUUUUUSE

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