savetheearth | two; video

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...Wasn't Rome a democracy for awhile there? Actually, wasn't Greece a democracy too?

Both of them thought it was a brilliant and romantic idea to fuck little boys. That hardly counts as civilization.

Well...fair point. But I think it's normal for countries to have flaws. I don't think that makes them uncivilized, though.

Some countries have more flaws than others. Some has so many flaws, they can hardly be considered countries.

That's true, I suppose. I don't know...I like the fireworks at least. And we always sell red, white and blue cupcakes today that are really tasty, in my opinion.

...........Are any of the red ones red velvet?

Yep! The blue ones are cotton candy, and the white ones are vanilla bean.

...I want all the red velvet. [ do you recognize the father-son similarities? ]

...I don't think I can give you all the red velvet...but I can give you a few dozen if you want?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

You know they're two bucks a pop, right?

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry! It's the cheapest we can sell them.

That's ridiculous and a lie. Capitalism has forced you to the extreme of two dollar cupcakes.

Oh no it's not. Trust me, Sandra is a math whiz and she's the one who came up with the prices. We have a forty cent profit margin, if I remember correctly. Plus they're huge. Most specialty cupcake stores sell for $3-5 a pop.

[Not this time Karson, she's done RESEARCH.]

We have deals if you buy a dozen or half dozen, though.

What do you do with your cupcakes at the end of the day? Do you throw them out?

Aha! Clever! The cupcakes are usually good for two days, and after that at the end of the day we sell them in bulk for super cheap. They're stale by then, though.

How cheap? I'm fine with stale cupcakes.

50 cents each, five bucks for a dozen.

Excellent.

It's the Sugar and Spice bakery. [Address goes here fight me.] You can come whenever you like. It's public, so it's safe.

.......................... [ oh he knows that place ]

Uh. Weird question. Does an asshole old man come in from time-to-time and does he buy all the licorice scottie dog cupcakes you have?

...Oh my god, you know The Scottie Man?

[ You can hear the facepalm. ]

He's my dad.

Oh my God.

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