savetheearth | [video]

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[Alan looks terrible, like he hasn't slept for a couple of days. (That would be because he hasn't.) He's still feeling nervous about bringing up the scorpion encounter and potentially having to mention his weird outburst, but he figures the network should know about it. Might as well do it now, when he's too tired to care much.]

Uh, hey. There was this big purple scorpion...thing running around the other night? It stung people and made them laugh like morons for hours.

[He yawns and rubs at his eyes, then takes a sip of coffee.]

Anyway, it was following Octavia and she led it to my house because for some reason she thought I might have a gun and, uh, we killed it. Together. It was a team effort. Go us.

That's pretty much it, just though you guys might want to hear about it.

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And sometimes your loyal subjects hope you annoy Alan so much that he badassrages the SHIT out of you.
This is also one of those times!

if he does that, i'm going to drag myself to your house and bleed my fucked up blood all over everything you have ever loved.

TRY IT. You won't get past security.

i'll bleed all over them
and when you come out all like "what's the fuss!??!"
they'll be coated in my blood and will attack you with tales of my death.

STOP FANTASIZING ABOUT BLEEDING AND DYING ON EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

YOU PUSHED ME TO THIS EXTREME.
WHEN ALAN KILLS ME, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO CRAB HUH?
WILL HE BE COVERED IN MY BLOOD TOO?
OR WILL ALAN KILL CRAB WITH ME?!?!!

LAAN WUOLD NEVER KILL CRAB HE IS IN CONTRLO OF HIS RAGES WHAT IS WRNOG WITH YOU JESUSC HRIST

he's the type who would murder crab in cold blood and NOT FEEL A THING.

Wow NOT COOL.
NOT
COOL.
Like REALLY SUPER NOT COOL. D8

I DONT TRUST HIM.

he was like majorly trustworthy when smushed up the scorpion, ok.
I mean if he was a crazy berserker psycho asshole he could have tried to squish me too!
But he didn't ok it was just really amazingly cool and shit. Alan is great.

still not trusting him.

What if theoretically in theory he kind of saved my ass because by the time I got to his place I wasn't in super great shape for fighting scorpions EVEN THOUGH I REALLY WANTED TO AND COULD HAVE TAKEN IT IN ANY OTHER SITUATION.

you were giving me shit about the deer
and you
didnt even fight this thing.
you sent a mentally deranged boy to kill it for you?

I DID FIGHT IT OK GOD.
Then it stung me and I was running away for EITHG HOURS and then when I got to Alan's I threw him a weapon and acted as VALUALBLE KILLING SUPPORT.
And he is NOT mentally deranged he is a HERO stop being a dcik!!!!!!!!

do you have a crush on him

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT???!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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ACTUAL PHONE TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;

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I AM NOT GOING TO KILL YOU OR YOUR DOG JESUC FUCKING CHIRST

THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT THE SCORPION THOUGHT.
THAT YOU WOULDN'T KILL IT.

THE SOCRIPION TRIED TO KILL ME FIRST OK

MAYBE IT WAS JUST HUNGRY?!

SO SHIOULD I HAVE LET IT EATM E AND OCTAVIA NOT COOL MAN

YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO FEED HIM!
DID YOU EVEN THINK OF THAT?
THAT MAYBE IT HAD A FAMILY AND SOME KIDS IT WANTED TO FEED, SO IT NEEDED A MEAL?!

NO I DIDNT HIN OF THAT BECAUSE THERE WAS A GIANT FUCKING SCORPIONON MY LAWN TRYING TO KILL ME

ANIMALS HAVE RIGHTS TOO YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. AREOYU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT I SHOULDNE HAVE KILLED THE CRAZY ALIEN SCORPION

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