two; video

[enrages]

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Comments

[enrages]

Yeah.









What's the worst thing you've ever done?

[angelskills]

The worst thing I've ever done?

Um... [ wow you're not supposed to ask stuff like that!! ]

I skipped school, once!

[enrages]

Everyone skips school. C'mon, something worse. I'm listening.

[angelskills]

Oh, um, um!

I've been late to volunteer work before!

[enrages]

That's not even a thing. The volunteering cancels out the lateness.

[angelskills]

But you're not supposed to be late!

[enrages]

But it's volunteering!

[angelskills]

I can't really think of anything else...

[enrages]

You can't pet my dog until you do something bad.

[angelskills]

What?

[enrages]

Only actual human beings can pet Crab. That's the rule.

[angelskills]

I'm human!!

[ Wah... ]

[enrages]

Skip a day of volunteer-- then we'll talk about your humanity. Because, right now? It's doubtful.

[angelskills]

Ah... but then, who is going to feed the puppies at the shelter?

[enrages]

Someone else. Someone who's getting paid.

[angelskills]

I guess...

So if I don't go, you'll believe I'm human?

[enrages]

Yes, and you'll stop propagating the shitty unpaid internship and volunteering culture that is ruining the job market.

[angelskills]

It's ruining the job market? Really?

[enrages]

Yup. Why do you think so many recent graduates from high school and college can't get jobs? It's because every organization wants to hire unpaid interns and volunteers, as opposed to having entry level, paid jobs. You're doing slave labor, and you're hurting other people by agreeing to it.

[angelskills]

Oh, I didn't know that! Then I guess stopping volunteering is a good thing.

Ah - but I still like to help at the church! Is that all right?

[enrages]

Only if your church chooses to pay taxes and not accept the religious organization exemption they're currently granted under the law.

[angelskills]

Wow, you're really smart! It's kind of you to tell me all of this. Thank you!

[enrages]

Damn straight, I'm smart. It's hard being a politically conscious teenager in this day and age, but we've got to do our fucking best-- otherwise we'll keep electing shit like Obama.