savetheearth | two; video

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm one eighth egyptian, stop whitewashing me!

[ octavia

o c t a v i a ]

w h i t e

You are DISREGARDING MY HERITAGE! You are like one of those chumps who portrays bible guys as white dudes. That's you. That is exactly what you are doing right now, and it is terrible.

w
h
i
t
e

i
s

n
o
t

a
t
t
r
a
c
t
i
v
e

t
o

m
e
.

Then we are EVEN because TALENTLESS LOSER is not attractive to ME!!!!!!!!
So THERE.
I mean do you even have a cool power at all? Or visions of cool heroic deeds? I don't think so! Which is a good thing because you would look TERRIBLE in spandex. >8C

[ H U F F ]

..........................DID YOU JUST ADMIT TO THINKING ABOUT ME IN SPANDEX?

DFKJLSF NO. NO NO NO. DON'T START THAT I SWEAR TO FUCK NO.
I was referring to the spandex that will inevitably be worn by all the TALENTED PEOPLE when we form a cool superhero group!
I have been designing costumes and shit and UGHJKSDHKJFHSDLHG I WANT TO DIE.

i feel so unclean right now.

I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT YOU IN SPANDEX!!!!!!!! XO

let's just never mention spandex again, please.

I REFUSE to let you gross me out of my superhero costume plans!!!!!!!!
You just won't get one. Everybody else will be part of a cool team who fight evil, and you will remain sad and alone and clad in appropriately loose-fitting clothing.

good.
i don't want to be objectified by my body.
that's my super power.
remaining a human fucking being instead of becoming a cartoon bastardization of who i once was.

Haha, man.
Wouldn't it be incredibly ironic if you were to grow a host of increasingly sickening alien appendages now you have said that? 8D
DO you have any like. Actual powers yet?
Because I do! Powers and visions and so much cool shit you don't even know!

what powers do you have?

I asked first.

uh

i literally have nothing.
nothing at all.
in the least.
no visions.
no memories.
no powers.
no anything.
i have no fucking clue why i have this number.

Haha, wow, really?
Ok I actually feel a little bad for picking on you now. But only a little!!!!!!!!
And I may have exaggerated just a teeny tiny bit I guess.
My power is

[ what's the least lame way of putting this wow ]

controlling luck!
And I had a memory vision thing but it was boring and sucked and is of no relevance to anything ever. 8|

what was it?
the memory thing.
also the luck thing, how the fuck does that even work?
luck isn't actually a thing.

Uh. It was pretty vague!
Vague and boring and filled with jerks who type like tools and ARE tools. I mean who the fuck goes ahead and calls themselves Sollux? TOOLS IS WHO.
And luck is SO a thing!!!!!!!! Flip a coin, asshole. Bet you it comes out heads.

we will address the coin thing in a minute, because okay
weird question time about typing tools.
uh.
was there someone who typed in a shitty mustard color?
liike thiis and would say two instead of to?

That

would be the shitty Sollux tool. and iit wa2 more liike thii2? Haha.

So is mind-reading your power now or what.

i
don't
know.

Let's test it!!!!!!!!
What am I thinking about RIGHT NOW?

spandex??

GODFSU8CKINGDAMMIT NO.
Lack of mind-ready bullshit confirmed!
Which means

I don't know what that means what does it mean.

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