savetheearth | two; video

[ The camera's pointed at a precious cutie scottie dog dressed in the most ridiculous dog outfit imaginable. The dog is currently licking its crotch. Karson's speaking from behind the camera. ]

Hey, network for assholes. Today's the most important day of the year, and I swear to god, if a single one of you is completely unaware of what day it is, I'm going to vomit all over this screen, and then, instead of guessing the day, you'll get to guess what I had for lunch.

So, you know what day it is today? It's America Day-- a day to celebrate the glorious freedom we could have if we'd all stop voting for Obama. A day to celebrate how, a fuckton of years ago, a bunch of powerful white men dressed in embarrassingly racist Native American costumes and wasted a lot of tea by dumping into a bay, killing all wildlife that might have lived there. It's to celebrate a revolution that was started by the murder of a freeman named Crispus Attucks, and it's to celebrate the first successful democracy ever created by a civilized nation. It's the day where we should all stand up for our rights and fight to bear arms!

[ The dog gets up and wanders over to Karson. He stops his rant for a moment to deliver a few pets. The dog promptly lies down and rolls over, demanding belly rubs. Karson delivers. ]

So get your fireworks, hold them high, and set that shit on fire--- except don't do it while it's in your hand, that's incredibly dangerous. Enjoy the light show tonight, and remember that thousands of people have died horrible, gangrene-filled deaths for freedom with a dash of democracy. God bless America, or whatever higher leveled deity you might worship.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No! He loves it! He loves all the shit I put him in! It makes all the girls coo and pet him more. He can be manipulative like that.

He loves it, huh? Told you that, did he?

Look, ghost jacket. This is one area where you won't inspire doubt. This dog and I were raised together. He's the only family I've ever known, and I fucking know how he thinks. Just give up this line of trolling and move onto the next.

But I'm not trolling--I really do think dressing your dog up in stupid-ass outfits makes you look like a tool.

I'll accept being a tool if it makes my dog happy.

Fair enough--if that's really the case. Most people I've seen dress their pets up 'cause it makes them happy--the people, I mean. The animals just put up with it 'cause they don't really have a choice.

[ Sometime between GhostJacketMan's response and Karson's, Crab wakes up and waddles over, looking for pettings. He gets his pettings. ]

Tell me my dog is upset. Just try and tell me. Look at this little gruntpup; he's so happy. Such a good boy, yes he is.

[ Crab then starts prancing about the room, occasionally coming back to Karson for snugs. ]

It makes him feel pretty.

Dude, all that proves is that he likes you--despite the...whatever that is. I see no evidence that he gives a flying fuck about those rags you hung all over him.

It's just because you don't know him. He's showing off right now-- too bad he doesn't know you're a total asshole.

Showing off, huh? Looks to me like he just wanted you to pet him.

Look at his wagging butt-- he's got a little flutter butt, so cute. He doesn't do that unless he knows there's someone else besides me around.

You mean he doesn't wag his tail like that when you pet him or pay attention to him?

He wags it, but he's fluttering it right now. There's a difference.

Looks pretty much the same to me, dude.

Because you don't know him like I do.

[He laughs a little]

Okay man, fair enough.

two; video

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