savetheearth | [text]

HEY so some of you probably don't remember me which is GREAT because I kind of ignore most of you assholes anyway. I don't know if this is like common knowledge yet since LIKE I SAID I basically try to ignore you for the most part and pretend that none of this shit EXISTS, but I guess the police have magic dogs that can pick us out from people who aren't walking freak shows? WHICH IS AWESOME, RIGHT? I bet it was all over the network at some point, but I'm 100% a giant moron and pretty much never look, so long story short A MAGIC DOG GOT ME and some shitty dickhead cop motherfucker with an ugly face and a big butt arrested me. Did I mention he's an asshole because he is absolutely the biggest asshole fuck him.

Good news is I'm not in jail anymore, hooray for me, right? "BUT RAY HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF JAIL WHEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF US :( ?" you may be wondering. Or maybe you don't give a fuck. Well listen up motherfuckers because you're ABOUT to give SUCH a fuck.

I may or may not have completely agreed to act as an informant for the people that want us dead soooooooo that's a thing that's happening now. Detective Slenderman or whatever wants NAMES and I don't want to be DEAD so he's getting his goddamn names.

Now don't worry, I'm not a complete asshole. I'm not going to charge right up to the fucker and sell all of you out, but I can only give the guy fake names and bullshit for so long before he starts catching on and sends the murder patrol to my front door. SO HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK (it probably won't work but I like to pretend to be optimistic): I need volunteers. I need actual REAL LEGIT NAMES to give this dude. Yes that would make life harder for you and YES it would be a giant pain in the ass but maybe we can think of a way to make this work to our advantage somehow? OR you can all just tell me to fuck off and worst case scenario only I have to become dead because I'd rather do that than get anyone else killed. Still though I'd prefer to be ALIVE.

PS: As a general rule, if you're not old enough to drink you're not old enough to volunteer for something this goddamn stupid so you dumbass teenagers can just fuck right off. At the very least nobody's going to be able to accuse me of getting kids mixed up in this.

PPS: I KNOW, I'M A MORON, I GET IT, I'M SORRY, ETC. SHIT HAPPENS, DEAL WITH IT.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Geez, you're gonna make me wait? That's no fair.

I'm not your friend, bro.

I don't always have to obey the law, but when I do it's usually an unavoidable situation. Sorry, legal obligations.

And we're definitely not bros. You want to share a little more about what happened? I'll probably be going through the same. They're not going to hurt my pretty face are they?

Fair enough.

They threw me in a cell for a couple days and then I had to sit through an interrogation. I can't promise your face won't get kicked in a little, especially if you don't cooperate. beyond that I have no idea.

If that just isn't the classiest. What was the detective like?

a prick, but he skipped all the bullshit and got right down to the questions. And he likes making threats but that's a given.

What kind of threats? Torture and death?

that kinda thing and the I'LL KILL YOUR FAMILY BLAAAH kind of shit. basically motherfucker fights dirty.

Oh good. I was worried he didn't get his villainy 101 from a Bond flick for a moment there. How much did he know about you when he interrogated you?

I'm just going to be safe and assume everything since he is kind of a detective and it's sort of their business to find out shit about people.

They don't have a piece of paper with your whole life on it. Only what they could dig out of your trashcan and get from tapping your phone.

[Kind of odd for him to say considering he's a celebrity. The media have already done Sherman's work for him. All he has to do is flip open a magazine to know all about Zelos Wilder. ...Right?]

If he was threatening to kill you it doesn't sound like he knew very much at all.

he never flat out said that, but it was implied. At the very least, now he could dig up anything he wanted to on me. All he needs to do is get my information from the army. If anyone's going to have my entire life history on file, it's them.

Yeah well that's your problem. I'm a civilian ヽ(^。^)丿

Not that I'd lose sleep over it. A real pro would have looked up all your information before meeting you. And we'll get you out if he actually figures out how to use it. Everyone around here loves any excuse for breaking the law.

the fuck is that emote even

I dunno man I seem to have single handedly pissed off half the network. I'm not expecting much by way of rescue if I do end up in a tight spot.

The symbol of our budding friendship of course

And I wouldn't worry about that. They're just an excitable group, they pull it together at the last minute.

oh goody hooray.

see excitable isn't good though, excitable gets people into deep shit.

Yeah it does. I didn't say we're all the brightest crop of up and coming heroes ever.

[There's a pause in the writing. Yeah he thinks everyone's a joke for the most part. The enemy could easily enough leave everyone alone and probably never have another care, that's how pathetic this group is.]

But whatever we are is a conscription, not a volunteer service. So maybe it's time we all stopped being selfish assholes and had a little trust in eachother. Regardless of how much we might question IQs around here. Unless of course you have a list of groups just lining up to rescue you if you get fucked. Well?

Holy fuck out off all the people I've talked to so far, you were probably one of the last ones I expected to not have their head jammed up their ass. I'm impressed.

I know right wait

I'm doing you a favor here what the hell kind of backhanded compliment is that

YOU'RE RIGHT I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT

i mean wait i DID but

not in the

asshole way

??

I think you apologizing might be even worse. Oh well I'm on your side so whatever. Just don't get me killed dying makes me kind of grumpy.

no no you're amazing and great and awesome does that make it better

i am going to get my guy and we are going to TALK ABOUT THIS THING and it is going to work or I'm going to jump off a bridge

you're really freaked out about this aren't you

YES I AM VERY MUCH SO WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE

you could always run away wouldn't even laugh promise

I feel like I'm the one becoming responsible for you

I can't just run away from shit I don't like just because it's literally the most dangerous thing ever. I'm a stubborn idiot.

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glorifiedtrash - 2013-11-26 02:34 (UTC) - Expand

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