savetheearth | [text]

HEY so some of you probably don't remember me which is GREAT because I kind of ignore most of you assholes anyway. I don't know if this is like common knowledge yet since LIKE I SAID I basically try to ignore you for the most part and pretend that none of this shit EXISTS, but I guess the police have magic dogs that can pick us out from people who aren't walking freak shows? WHICH IS AWESOME, RIGHT? I bet it was all over the network at some point, but I'm 100% a giant moron and pretty much never look, so long story short A MAGIC DOG GOT ME and some shitty dickhead cop motherfucker with an ugly face and a big butt arrested me. Did I mention he's an asshole because he is absolutely the biggest asshole fuck him.

Good news is I'm not in jail anymore, hooray for me, right? "BUT RAY HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF JAIL WHEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF US :( ?" you may be wondering. Or maybe you don't give a fuck. Well listen up motherfuckers because you're ABOUT to give SUCH a fuck.

I may or may not have completely agreed to act as an informant for the people that want us dead soooooooo that's a thing that's happening now. Detective Slenderman or whatever wants NAMES and I don't want to be DEAD so he's getting his goddamn names.

Now don't worry, I'm not a complete asshole. I'm not going to charge right up to the fucker and sell all of you out, but I can only give the guy fake names and bullshit for so long before he starts catching on and sends the murder patrol to my front door. SO HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK (it probably won't work but I like to pretend to be optimistic): I need volunteers. I need actual REAL LEGIT NAMES to give this dude. Yes that would make life harder for you and YES it would be a giant pain in the ass but maybe we can think of a way to make this work to our advantage somehow? OR you can all just tell me to fuck off and worst case scenario only I have to become dead because I'd rather do that than get anyone else killed. Still though I'd prefer to be ALIVE.

PS: As a general rule, if you're not old enough to drink you're not old enough to volunteer for something this goddamn stupid so you dumbass teenagers can just fuck right off. At the very least nobody's going to be able to accuse me of getting kids mixed up in this.

PPS: I KNOW, I'M A MORON, I GET IT, I'M SORRY, ETC. SHIT HAPPENS, DEAL WITH IT.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

i can't believe i saw a movie with you

you jerk

I SAID I WAS SORRY WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?????!

UM NOT DO THIS??? NOT GET CAUGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE? PAY ATTENTION TO IMPORTANT THINGS?

also I know you know my full name. if you give my name up, I will track you down and rip you to shreds and feed those shreds to my cat are we super duper ultra crystal clear

UM EXCUSE YOU THE FUCKERS WERE CAMPED RIGHT OUTSIDE MY JOB I JUST WANTED TO GET IN MY FUCKING CAR AND GO HOME I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM THERE

i'm not GIVING them your name why the fuck did you think I asked for VOLUNTEERS. I'm not planning on deliberately fucking anybody over!

can't believe we have some some sort distinctive scent what epic bullshit is that.

you probably aren't going to get any, you damn moron. who would be dumb enough to volunteer to be CAPTURED? and then when you don't have any choice, what will you do?

dude i have no fucking IDEA how this shit works IT'S A DEMON DOG

SOMETHING DRASTIC PROBABLY.

This is the worst idea.

maybe someone should get rid of these dogs. i'm sure they'd make a tasty snack.

yeahwell just remember what i said. i have these fancy new claws that can leave marks in bricks without losin a bit of sharpness and im not opposed to using them on rats.

Dude if you know anyone who EATS DEMON DOGS have at it they're a PROBLEM

hey fuck off didn't i just SAY I wasn't going to give them your name. chill out

I

KNOW

IT'S THE SECOND STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE

Edited 2013-11-24 22:06 (UTC)

i eat everything. i just need to find out where they keep them.

I WILL NOT CHILL OUT, YOU FUCKED UP BIG TIME AND I AM NOT GONNA DIE FOR YOUR FUCKUPS

They didn't harm you, did they?

What's the first?

well since it seems like i'm going to be making regular trips to the police station ANYWAY i can always keep my eye out for weird shit like that

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE SHUT THE FUCK UP

i jumped off a roof once onto what i thought was a big pile of snow but it turns out that it had rained the night before and then froze over so I broke my tailbone

nah, I didn't give them a reason to.

good. make yourself useful and figure out where their kennels are. I can do the rest.

BUT WHAT IF I DO

[the bipolar nature of this conversation is astounding]

No I think this is much dumber than that.

bitch don't tell me what to do i'll get to it when i get to it

WELL IF YOU DO IT WON'T BE MY FAULT BECAUSE I'M NOT TELLING THEM ANYTHING

[YEP pretty much]

actually yeah youre probably right this is pretty fucking bad

COW8RD!!!!!!!!
Me and Alan didn't fucking cave to his 8ULLSHIT DEM8NDS like ST8PID 8A8Y WEAKY-WE8K WEAKLINGS. 8ut you DID????????
GR8 FUCKING JO8 THERE, CH8MP. WOW! HELLA GR8.
And your first instinct is to ask for people to sell themselves out instead of, I don't know. G8ING INTO HIDING L8KE SOME PE8PLE AR8UND HERE?
No8ody I like 8etter volunteer for your COWARDLY FUCKING WEAKSAUCE 8ETRAYAL SCHEME or I will F8CK YOU UP.

Do you think anyone's actually going to take you up on this? I mean the network's like eighty percent teenagers so that significantly narrows your options right there.

I cant believe you think anyone would help you out after you agree to BETRAY us all. especially since some of the people here are stupid enough that they might actually go along with this. go die in a fire you fucking asshole.

dumbass the sooner you get to it the sooner I can destroy those dogs and the safer everyone will be.

WELL GOOD!!!

Well to be honest my first instinct was a lot more dramatic and quite a bit messier but we won't go into that.

oh hey wait, weren't you one of those dipshits that went and got captured and then needed their buddies to break them out? guess who didn't have access to buddies, kid. Or fancy powers, for that matter. It's not like I could have just hulked out and snapped the guy in half.

You know what I could have done? I could have said "fuck it" to every single one of you and just gave the bastard everything he wanted right up front. That would have been a lot easier. But no, I decided it would be better to work with what I have. So that's what I'm doing.

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