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[synonymouswithdookie]

HEY so some of you probably don't remember me which is GREAT because I kind of ignore most of you assholes anyway. I don't know if this is like common knowledge yet since LIKE I SAID I basically try to ignore you for the most part and pretend that none of this shit EXISTS, but I guess the police have magic dogs that can pick us out from people who aren't walking freak shows? WHICH IS AWESOME, RIGHT? I bet it was all over the network at some point, but I'm 100% a giant moron and pretty much never look, so long story short A MAGIC DOG GOT ME and some shitty dickhead cop motherfucker with an ugly face and a big butt arrested me. Did I mention he's an asshole because he is absolutely the biggest asshole fuck him.

Good news is I'm not in jail anymore, hooray for me, right? "BUT RAY HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF JAIL WHEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF US :( ?" you may be wondering. Or maybe you don't give a fuck. Well listen up motherfuckers because you're ABOUT to give SUCH a fuck.

I may or may not have completely agreed to act as an informant for the people that want us dead soooooooo that's a thing that's happening now. Detective Slenderman or whatever wants NAMES and I don't want to be DEAD so he's getting his goddamn names.

Now don't worry, I'm not a complete asshole. I'm not going to charge right up to the fucker and sell all of you out, but I can only give the guy fake names and bullshit for so long before he starts catching on and sends the murder patrol to my front door. SO HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK (it probably won't work but I like to pretend to be optimistic): I need volunteers. I need actual REAL LEGIT NAMES to give this dude. Yes that would make life harder for you and YES it would be a giant pain in the ass but maybe we can think of a way to make this work to our advantage somehow? OR you can all just tell me to fuck off and worst case scenario only I have to become dead because I'd rather do that than get anyone else killed. Still though I'd prefer to be ALIVE.

PS: As a general rule, if you're not old enough to drink you're not old enough to volunteer for something this goddamn stupid so you dumbass teenagers can just fuck right off. At the very least nobody's going to be able to accuse me of getting kids mixed up in this.

PPS: I KNOW, I'M A MORON, I GET IT, I'M SORRY, ETC. SHIT HAPPENS, DEAL WITH IT.

Comments

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[synonymouswithdookie]

YOU'RE RIGHT I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT

i mean wait i DID but

not in the

asshole way

??

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[glorifiedtrash]

I think you apologizing might be even worse. Oh well I'm on your side so whatever. Just don't get me killed dying makes me kind of grumpy.

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[synonymouswithdookie]

no no you're amazing and great and awesome does that make it better

i am going to get my guy and we are going to TALK ABOUT THIS THING and it is going to work or I'm going to jump off a bridge

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[glorifiedtrash]

you're really freaked out about this aren't you

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[synonymouswithdookie]

YES I AM VERY MUCH SO WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE

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[glorifiedtrash]

you could always run away wouldn't even laugh promise

I feel like I'm the one becoming responsible for you

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[synonymouswithdookie]

I can't just run away from shit I don't like just because it's literally the most dangerous thing ever. I'm a stubborn idiot.

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[glorifiedtrash]

So you're trying to do what you think is the right thing even though you know doing the right thing usually makes people wind up dead. I kind of have to respect that.

Stop freaking out. You have me, your insider friend and a few others. And handing me over will make sure Sherman doesn't think twice about you, promise.

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[synonymouswithdookie]

It's kind of hard to just STOP freaking out, but I'll give it my best shot. I really hate doing this, though. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.

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[glorifiedtrash]

Not at all. I think I'm the one who should be thanking you. I was having a hard time making my mind up on something, but you've convinced me to try my best. Irony is an eccentric mistress like that.

Try grabbing a drink and telling yourself whatever will be will be. Nothing's happening this week at least.

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[synonymouswithdookie]

No shit? Funny how the world works sometimes.

That's actually not bad advice. Thanks.