savetheearth | text/audio;

text/audio;

[ The post opens with a handy little form letter custom-designed by Octavia for people to fill out. Enjoy. ]

Dear Tavia / Alan / Tavia and Alan / President O8ama,

I, (YOUR NAME HERE), am pissed at / super pissed at / really super pissed at / shockingly attracted to you right now. What were you thinking / are you wearing, cutie(s). What you did was irresponsible / reckless / dangerous / actually pretty cool / worse than str8-up murdering a flock of 8a8ies and I can't 8elieve you would 8e so stupid / you didn't invite me / you are not dead / it's not 8utter. Wow, am I ever 8uttmad / asschafed / cheekstung / rearniggled right now. Damn.

To conclude, you are dum8 / 8rave / lucky to 8e alive / actually already punished enough for this / going to get punched in the face / a 8itch / in possession of a really gr8 8utt.

We are / are not friends any more. I hope you die / don't die,

love / no love from YOUR NAME HERE.

[ That done with, she switches to audio. ]

Just thought I'd cut down on the lecture time for everybody. Because while I am sure all of you are oh-so-fucking ready to sate your massive told-you-so boners, I actually have stuff to say! Like "thanks for being super cool badasses and saving us, rescue teams." And "wow those photos being shown on the news are unflattering as fuck." And "please remember we just spent days in solitary confinement thinking we were going to have our brains scooped out." Which means yes! Alan and I are entirely aware of how quote-dumb-unquote my plan was and all the implications of it and blah blah blah don't waste your fucking time fussing at us.

I also want to point out that like. Somebody would have got caught at some point anyway, right? Like this whole deal was only ever going to last so long. And if it had to be somebody it was good that the captives were us! People who didn't fucking talk even a little, no matter what they threatened us with. People who were brave and cool at all times! People who could contact the outside without writing a number in blood or snot or whatever and blowing this whole shitfest operation. You are welcome.

[ There's a half-uttered syllable, then a soft mmgh as she apparently rethinks what she was going to say. Then, in a falsely lighthearted tone: ]

And, uh. Since like. My face is out there anyway I don't really have shit to lose as far as that is concerned! So what if we had me record a message saying that we ain't terrorists. Maybe explain our deal a little or something? And then put it on Youtube or send it to the press or whatever. Like, if there is a way to do that safely and securely and not get caught. And if people think that's a good idea and not me being fucktarded, haha! And stuff.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You just re-admitted the feelings are a thing ALAN COME CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.

NO ALAN, DON'T COME CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

LIKE THAT WAS EVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING BUT ENCOURAGE HIM MORE.

[ endless wailing noises ]

Quit it! Or you will get Crab all distressed and shit. Cutie distressed. If you had just been willing to open up yourself, I wouldn't have had to yell for Alan! I hope you have learned your lesson, Karson. Wow.

You would have called him anyways. [ BACK TO YELLING. NOW CRAB IS CUTIE DISTRESSED AND BARKING. ]

I would have done it subtly and classily. As part of my contractual obligaton to inform him of any people expressing loving feelings towards me, whether they intend to do the do or not! PET CRAB ALREADY FUSS HIM CUDDLE HIM AND TELL HIM HE'S PRECIOUS.

CRAB, BARK LOUDER. COVER MY EMBARRASSMENT.

STOP EXPLOITING HIS CUTIE PATOOTIE RUMPKIN BARKLETS!

Crab, HOWL AT THE MOON! BE A WEREWOLF!

[ crab is now howling professionally ]

That. That's actually kind of impressive.

BE QUIET FOR TAVY-WAVIA, CRABLY-WABBIKINS! WHO'S A CUTIE LIL BABBYBOO. WHO IS. WHOOZAWUFFLEBUTT.

Crab, don't stop. Believing. Just hold on to that feeling. [ Crab howls louder. He responds to lyrics only. ]

OH MY GOD CRAB I BOUGHT YOU ICE CREAM THIS IS BULLSH--

[ Ok no TEXT

HAH ]

CAN'T HOWL OVER TEXT, 8RO! HAH!!!!!!!!
Serket wins again!

jhjhjkfdjhjhhjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj

[ did he just pap his lil doge paws on the screen? awww yeah ]

Omg. Was that Cra8?
Is Cra8 typing to me? Oh shit. OH SHIT THAT IS ADORA8LE.
TRY MAKE HIM DO AN 8 MAKE CRA8 DO 8s AT ME. So cute. <33333333

You should 8ring him over to Gavin's when you come give me my scarf and shit. Which is a thing I assume you are going to do.

8889898787988987988

also, yeah sure.
and who is gavin
who the fuck is gavin can we trust a gavin do i know a gavin???

Gavin is this guy!!!!!!!!
He's pretty legit. Like he said we can stay here as long as we need and he 8n't harassing us for cash or whatever.
So he automatically gets a pass! Right?

how is he affording you

I am 8eing super cool and unsno88y a8out eating poor people food and using poor people soap and not going out on extravagat spending sprees is how. ::::I

that shit still costs money???
unless you're all like
using the same soap and tooth brushes and shit.
that's so gross.

Karson 8n't people.

fine I guess. as long as you make it private so people cant see it.

Man. So fussy! <33333333

its not fussy I just want to make sure were safe.

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