savetheearth | text/audio;

[ The post opens with a handy little form letter custom-designed by Octavia for people to fill out. Enjoy. ]

Dear Tavia / Alan / Tavia and Alan / President O8ama,

I, (YOUR NAME HERE), am pissed at / super pissed at / really super pissed at / shockingly attracted to you right now. What were you thinking / are you wearing, cutie(s). What you did was irresponsible / reckless / dangerous / actually pretty cool / worse than str8-up murdering a flock of 8a8ies and I can't 8elieve you would 8e so stupid / you didn't invite me / you are not dead / it's not 8utter. Wow, am I ever 8uttmad / asschafed / cheekstung / rearniggled right now. Damn.

To conclude, you are dum8 / 8rave / lucky to 8e alive / actually already punished enough for this / going to get punched in the face / a 8itch / in possession of a really gr8 8utt.

We are / are not friends any more. I hope you die / don't die,

love / no love from YOUR NAME HERE.

[ That done with, she switches to audio. ]

Just thought I'd cut down on the lecture time for everybody. Because while I am sure all of you are oh-so-fucking ready to sate your massive told-you-so boners, I actually have stuff to say! Like "thanks for being super cool badasses and saving us, rescue teams." And "wow those photos being shown on the news are unflattering as fuck." And "please remember we just spent days in solitary confinement thinking we were going to have our brains scooped out." Which means yes! Alan and I are entirely aware of how quote-dumb-unquote my plan was and all the implications of it and blah blah blah don't waste your fucking time fussing at us.

I also want to point out that like. Somebody would have got caught at some point anyway, right? Like this whole deal was only ever going to last so long. And if it had to be somebody it was good that the captives were us! People who didn't fucking talk even a little, no matter what they threatened us with. People who were brave and cool at all times! People who could contact the outside without writing a number in blood or snot or whatever and blowing this whole shitfest operation. You are welcome.

[ There's a half-uttered syllable, then a soft mmgh as she apparently rethinks what she was going to say. Then, in a falsely lighthearted tone: ]

And, uh. Since like. My face is out there anyway I don't really have shit to lose as far as that is concerned! So what if we had me record a message saying that we ain't terrorists. Maybe explain our deal a little or something? And then put it on Youtube or send it to the press or whatever. Like, if there is a way to do that safely and securely and not get caught. And if people think that's a good idea and not me being fucktarded, haha! And stuff.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

okay here's the deal.
include me in all plans from here on out.
because i was EXPECTING alan to keep you from doing dumb shit, but apparently that's too much for his small mind.
obviously it's my duty to keep you morons from the full sex and from DYING IN PRISON.

DON'T DISS MY PLAN OR MY 8OYFRIEND OH MY GOD. Alan's mind is HUGE and the plan WASN'T DUM8, ok! The plan itself was gr8.
Our only mistake was not making ANOTHER plan to get out! And 8eing too merciful and lenient with the guards. I should've walked them off the top of the tower instead of letting them come 8ack and catch us. Stupid dum8. 8ut hey! Mistakes made and lessons learned.

(And you will only ever keep me from one of these things. Choose carefully.)

1) NO SEX.
2) NO PRISON.
3) WHO THE HELL DOESN'T COME UP WITH A PLAN TO GET OUT OF A PLACE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!!??!?

all plans must be okay'd by me from now on.
ALL PLANS.

Ok, 8rave leader!
ALL plans.
Ok so tonight I PLAN on getting wasted on illicit 8ooze provided 8y a good 8uddy of mine! Like super fucking wasted.
And then I PLAN to engage in sloppy makeouts for a while. Sloppy drunken makeouts! With some 8utt-touching for good measure.
And after that I PLAN to drink a glass of water to make sure I don't get dehydr8ted. 8ecause I don't PLAN on getting a hangover! Wow.
Finally, I PLAN to go sleep with Alan. And I also PLAN to wake up several hours l8r.
Is that enough? Or should I keep going????????

all of that makes me uncomfortable.

Gr8! We are esta8lishing 8oundaries. Should I start keeping my plans to myself again? :::;)

uh.

yeah, maybe.

I am glad you can see things my way! 8888)

(8ut just fyi you are still the leader and you are still pretty gr8 and I still appreci8 the shit out of you 8ringing me a jacket and a scarf and stuff, that's super adora8le.)

(i can bring crab over too so you can pet him some. do you need anything? food??? blankets???? pillows? idk are you sleeping on the floor or some shit??)

We don't NEED any of those (except Cra8) 8ut they are all welcome!!!!!!!!
And of course we 8n't sleeping on the floor! God. Gavin let us share a foldy outy 8ed sofa thing. We're not ANIMALS, wow.

wow, like it's already been stated in the conversation-- i don't know this guy!!!!! i don't know if he has the supplies to care for two fugitives!!!

do you guys want a cute cat to take care of?
my weird cousin has been bringing home more strays and our house is fucking full of cats, and i doubt she'll notice if one goes missing.

Calm your tits! I said stuff was welcome, god. Give us all your useless leftover castoff shit! All of it. And may8e some chocol8. And condoms (KIDDING, THAT WAS A JOKE, I AM TEASING YOU, DO NOT FLIP EVERY SHIT)!

8ut no cats. Idk if any of us are allergic and if the cat poops in Gavin's house then we will pro8a8ly 8e homeless ho8o fugitives instead of leech fugitives. ::::|a

what about a goat
(there is a bigass goat in my house please help me get rid of it oh my god it stares at me when i go to use the bathroom at night help)

There is a goat. That spies on you. When you pee.

Ok realtalk may8e you should just come and 8e fugitives with us.

i am
really
really
really
fucking tempted.
really fucking tempted.

Look on the 8right side!
At. Least if the deer comes 8ack then the goat will scare it away.
Pro8a8ly. I mean they are pro8a8ly mortal enemies or something? 8ecause they are 8oth four legged things that sometimes have horns? So they are rivals!
Unless that means the opposite, in which case they will a8solutely team up against you. You will never again use a 8athroom unmolested 8y weird animal eyes.

I forget where I was going with this, 8ut I am pretty sure you should 8e feeling comforted right now.

i'm never going to pee again.

8H M8 G8D. Your 8ladder will explode and you will die in a piss-soaked gory mess, Karson!
This is a FACT. It will rupture and 8OOM! So gross. I saw it in a movie once.

yeah, but i'm immune to death.
so
i'm not really sure what might happen.
i mean, okay, immune to death, so my organs are probably immune to rupturing.
which means what?
jesus could turn water into wine.
i can probably just magic piss away.

What if it means that you will live forever with a massive pee-soaked peesplosion hole in your 8ody, and you will always 8e the pee kid 8ecause you will stink of pee and you will still 8e alive so you will still produce MORE pee and it will just keep coming out of the gaping wound in your a8domen and the wound will never close 8ecause no8ody will ever want to sew that shit up for you 8ecause eww pee so gross.

Do you want that for yourself?

Do you want to 8e Pee Jesus, Karson?

um okay
wow
TECHNICALLY
you are describing pee zombie jesus.
which i am about nine hundred million times sure i'm not.

*Zom8pee Jesus.

text;

enrages - 2013-11-28 01:55 (UTC) - Expand

drama8om8 - 2013-11-28 01:57 (UTC) - Expand

enrages - 2013-12-12 07:27 (UTC) - Expand

wow thanks.

you fucked up.
i'm just calling it like i see it.

fuck you too man.