001 [VIDEO]

[epimethean]

[Hey, it's a THUMB.

No, wait, it's a ginger dude who has his thumb over the phone camera, but he seems to realize his mistake soon enough. He gets a little too up close and personal with the feed before pulling back, all terrible plaid and a disingenuous grin that looks like it froze on his face a little bit.]

Good news!

[He is also apparently very, very British.]

Did some preliminary diagnostics, ran a few tests. [Finger wiggles for emphasis!] Pretty sure that this is not, in fact, an incredibly sophisticated government surveillance mechanism.

I know, I know, that's what I thought too! But I'm probably...sixty to seventy percent certain we're all right on that front, which is good, because for a while there I was thinking this was textbook government. You know, set up some kind of...secret diary forum, or something, give us secret access codes to make us feel important, then mine all our secret diary posts for their secret...government...things.

Anyway, point is, I'd like to revoke my membership. And it's--it's nothing you lot did, don't worry, I'm sure you're all--you're all great! Lovely folks, super club you've got, sure of it, just...not entirely comfortable with the concept. I mean--ha, it's like, uh. With the numbers and the...it's not for me, sorry. Sort of weird!

Pretty smart, though. Wish I'd thought of it.

[Wheatley laughs abruptly, genuinely uncomfortable before it and the nervous grin dissolve entirely.]

Seriously, though, who are you people? Because if you--if you are the government, I'm definitely out of here. No offense.

Comments

audio;

[reapsthewind]

[have the most obnoxiously screechy voice in the world]

We're not the fucking government, we're the opposite. We'd kind of like to blow the government up, at this point. Do not trust the police, do not trust your friends.

Also the only way to revoke your membership is to leave the city forever and even then given what's happening that's not a sure thing.

[epimethean]

Right, so, one, that sounds just like something the government would say, so you might want to get better at not sounding like the government. Which brings me to two, if you were--if you were listening, I did say that you were probably not the government.

Three, wait, who is blowing things up why do we want to blow things up, did you all sign up for this or something? Because I've got--I've got no interest in blowing things up.

text;

[synchronous]

Your request is being forwarded to the NSA. Please stand by.

text

[epimethean]

Yes, ha ha very funny, good one. Unfortunately for you: wasn't born yesterday, you'll have to do better than that.

text;

[mood2wiingiing]

no were just here two fight the alien obamas or something nbd.

text

[epimethean]

Okay but is that secret diary forum club code for something or...???

[Text]

[shiromadoushi]

And if we were, you just showed your face and likely would have given us enough info to track you down.

Instead of tests, might want to do some reading...

text

[epimethean]

I figured if you were, in fact, the government, you'd already have cameras in my bathroom or something so I probably had nothing to lose.

I do quite a lot of reading, for your information. Nothing on inexplicable strings of numbers pinging themselves into your brain or secret haunted hidden forums that probably shouldn't exist. Must have missed that shelf in the library.

[ Handwritten ]

[selfassured]

It gets weirder than a series of numbers and a secret network.

We're more like the group of people that the government would like to get rid of for one reason or another.

video

[epimethean]

Uh...how weird is...weird? Also! Not especially liking the idea of the government wanting to get rid of me? Haven't--never broken the law, to my knowledge, ha, I'm not sure why they'd have any interest in me at all, actually.

text;

[drama8om8]

President Obama, at your service.
Some people are going to tell you that you absolutely cannot quit the club no matter what!
But I have a message for you, newbie. From the president. AKA me.

~*YES WE CAN*~

text

[epimethean]

Can everyone stop being completely insufferable for two seconds and just tell me how to quit? I'd appreciate that, at this point.

text;

[wirsinddiejager]

nope sorry too late. once youre in the numbers club you can never leave. EVER.

text

[epimethean]

You can't keep someone in an internet forum against their will. I mean, I know we're not really on the internet, but I didn't sign up for anything, didn't check the little terms and conditions ticky box, because there wasn't one.

I'm pretty sure this is all kind of illegal.

text;

[eras]

here is our slightly out of date faq
i don't think there is actually a way to quit
s0rry :(

text

[epimethean]

I did get the FAQ, thanks. Still want to give a piece of my mind to whoever designed a forum and made it so couldn't sticky anything. Travesty.

Are you sure about the "no quitting" thing? Have you tried?

[text] did somebody say SECRET GOVERNMENT THINGS

[gogoghostpowers]

Not the government, and not any form of surveillance. I think this network is actually one of the only things out there that isn't!

Also, it's not connected to city hall, the FDA, Roswell, any psychiatrists, Adidas, or Thomas Edison.

Keep an eye out for the water, though, and avoid all the plumbers if you can.

text I DID SAY SECRET GOVERNMENT THINGS

[epimethean]

Heard about the water, yeah. Do Brita filters work or should I just stay away from it entirely?

I mean, not that I'm buying into all this conspiracy theory business, but I guess it can't hurt to ask.

Why plumbers?

[Video]

[originaloddcouple]

I don't think we're government. I mean, I could be wrong.

Does paying taxes count as government? And the only thing I think we're governing is the network...

Hmmmm... Well, there are cops trying to hunt us down. So, if we were government, we're pretty bad at it!

[epimethean]

[oh god there are two of them]

I'd think you either are the government or you aren't. I also think you'd--you'd definitely know, if you were the government.

audio;

[hawaiianheir]

[Hello Wheatley have a very familiar voice sputtering at you.]

W-Wheat!? Coffee-shop Wheat?

video;

[destinedforrock]

[And the image of the head of a white horse. Flicking her ears.]

Ex-cuse me?

[All she heard were the juxtaposed words "wheat" and "coffee-shop".]

text;

[hopediesalone]

you can check out any time you like

but you can never leave

text

[epimethean]

WOW everyone here is so witty! I've stumbled upon an entire enclave of comedic geniuses, what did I ever do to be so fortunate?

text

[carolinesays]

[if you want to imagine the future your boss, imagine a lip curled with disdain. forever. except this is just anonymous text, so, you know.]

Oh. It's you.

As the Greek chorus as undoubtedly informed you, there is no opt-out. There is no check-box marked "does not apply." Even when there comes the time when you suddenly, abruptly, so very dearly wish there was.

[epimethean]

[ANONYMOUS

GREAT

Time to be petulant and cavalier clearly this is no one important.]

Yes, hello, it's me, who are you?

And I did gather that, thanks. What if I just put my phone away and never check this network again, what happens if I do that?

handwritten text;

[toobig]

No one becomes a member of the Network, it just chooses you like some big cosmic lottery to decide whose life is going to suck.

Congratulations, you're a winner.

video

[epimethean]

So I've heard! Unfortunate, that. And no just turning it off and pretending you never saw it, I guess. How does your life suck compared to everyone else around here? Just trying to--trying to gauge the degrees of suckage, maybe on a scale from one to ten, one being superpowers and ten being actually turning into a zombie.

text;

[enrages]

it's a subset of obama's NSA.
obviously some sort of psychological test to see what the average person in a city does when they're able to access some bullshit ridiculousass network system with other average people.
it's bullshit.
total bullshit.
and we're wasting billions of tax payer dollars on absurdist ridic shit like this.
you wanna know how to get out of here?
GET OBAMA OUT OF POWER.
you wanna know how to do that?
STOP FUCKING VOTING DEMO(N)CRAT(E).

RON PAUL 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

text

[epimethean]

I'm not allowed to vote in this country, mate, this one's all on you.

That aside, it would be incredibly helpful to know whether or not you're being facetious, because everyone trying to be serious sounds insane, and everyone trying to be a wise guy has just come off as insufferable. I'm thinking at this point it could go either way, with you.

voice;

[metalbent]

Yeah, if we were the government I'm pretty sure the country would've gone up in flames by now or something. But I bet you've guessed that by now, because I heard a bunch of replies.

voice

[epimethean]

Yeah, pretty much everyone piled in to tell me they are not, in fact, the government, which seems a little suspicious, don't you think?

Not that you are the government. Seems kind of unlikely, at this point.