001 [VIDEO]

[epimethean]

[Hey, it's a THUMB.

No, wait, it's a ginger dude who has his thumb over the phone camera, but he seems to realize his mistake soon enough. He gets a little too up close and personal with the feed before pulling back, all terrible plaid and a disingenuous grin that looks like it froze on his face a little bit.]

Good news!

[He is also apparently very, very British.]

Did some preliminary diagnostics, ran a few tests. [Finger wiggles for emphasis!] Pretty sure that this is not, in fact, an incredibly sophisticated government surveillance mechanism.

I know, I know, that's what I thought too! But I'm probably...sixty to seventy percent certain we're all right on that front, which is good, because for a while there I was thinking this was textbook government. You know, set up some kind of...secret diary forum, or something, give us secret access codes to make us feel important, then mine all our secret diary posts for their secret...government...things.

Anyway, point is, I'd like to revoke my membership. And it's--it's nothing you lot did, don't worry, I'm sure you're all--you're all great! Lovely folks, super club you've got, sure of it, just...not entirely comfortable with the concept. I mean--ha, it's like, uh. With the numbers and the...it's not for me, sorry. Sort of weird!

Pretty smart, though. Wish I'd thought of it.

[Wheatley laughs abruptly, genuinely uncomfortable before it and the nervous grin dissolve entirely.]

Seriously, though, who are you people? Because if you--if you are the government, I'm definitely out of here. No offense.

Comments

[epimethean]

So the monsters/vampires/zombies/werewolves are real, and they're on the network (I assume), and they're your friends.

[shiromadoushi]

Exactly.

You'll find out for yourself soon enough.

[epimethean]

You lot have got to be the most unhelpful group of people I have ever met.

[shiromadoushi]

Just consider it equal exchange for your most helpful introduction~

[epimethean]

I think you and I have very different definitions of "helpful".

[shiromadoushi]

Quite likely.

Though it was an improvement over the "LOL HACKED U" BS that kept popping up a while back.

[epimethean]

Yeah you all seem to think you're a bunch of comedians, don't you?

[shiromadoushi]

Let me guess, not liking any of the answers you got? Or are you getting all snark based on your idiotic opener? Maybe a bit of both?

[epimethean]

How about you answer some questions instead, starting with "are insults really necessary?" and ending with "why do you feel the need to be both rude and insufferable for absolutely no reason at all?". Let's try that.

[shiromadoushi]

Yes and because I'm an asshole.

Happy?

[epimethean]

Do you think that excuses your behavior, or something? Because it doesn't. It just makes you entirely unpleasant.

[shiromadoushi]

You asked.

So. Any actual useful questions or are you just going to keep being affronted?

[epimethean]

I'm going to keep being affronted for as long as you keep being a tosser.

[shiromadoushi]

Hope you enjoy being affronted then~

[epimethean]

I won't but you seem to enjoy being a genuinely awful person which is kind of weird and maybe a little sociopathic so I'm just going to

leave the conversation and feel good about not being terrible.

[shiromadoushi]

You do that.

Maybe after your eyes have been opened some, we'll talk again~

[epimethean]

Sure, fine, but I'm willing to bet you'll still be terrible.

[shiromadoushi]

Quite likely! Even if I'm not, you'll think I am anyway~ First impressions and all that.