Dated to June 7th

[pheromonecoffee]

[Matt Abbot sits before you today in a spinny desk chair, illuminated by his laptop screen. If you thought Matt couldn’t get dumber, you were wrong. You were very wrong. He is making good on his threats of stupidity so over the top they’re impossible to believe. Today Matt is wearing a surprisingly well made masquerade-style eye mask, black with a diagonal cut of blue over his left eye. And he is also wearing a surprising well made collared cape, black with a blue lining. He is also just wearing generally nice clothing under it because you can totally dress like a supervillain and still be stylish.

He steeples his fingers, a sly(ish) smile on his face.]

Greetings, Numbered. As I have been recently freed from the mortal prison of mandatory education, I am now free to pursue any future I wish. … Until August because I have already paid my tuition deposit.

But until August, Locke City, you are being watched. I will be your worst nightmare. I will be a supervillain the likes of which none of you have ever seen before. Such dastardly deeds as speaking in a fake New Jersey accent, directing tourists to the wrong streets and ripping tags off mattresses will happen on the streets every day for as long as I remain in its borders. I will accomplish all my good deeds by questionable means, causing me to become a terrible menace who will puzzle philosophy majors because no one can tell if I'm actually being a bad person. [He leans back in his chair, doing his best to look mysterious and dangerous.]

My first dastardly deed will be a kidnapping. Next Monday, June 16th, I will be kidnapping one of your number, heroes, and taking him with me to Las Vegas. If you wish to guarantee his safety, there is room for two others to accompany us on our cross-country trip. If you wish to ensure his safe return to New Jersey, then you may contact me and we will discuss plans.

[And with that the video turns off. However, Matt is still going, typing. He’s posting a selfie, too, of him in graduation robes. He’s got the National Honor Society gold graduation stole and everything.]

Graduation’s next weekend, too. My parents and my aunt and uncle are the reason I can take the trip--the car’s a graduation thing. Being serious for a second, though, if you want to come, the car is big enough that it won’t be an awful trip. Leaving the 16th at 8AM. If you’re under 18, I need parental permission. I’ll text you my number.

Comments

[onecream_fivesugar]

What!? No! No-notatall!

Not like the tea!

[Maybe she's going to have to go back to the drawing board with this one.]

[pheromonecoffee]

Okay I just wanted to make sure because a tea-themed superhero sounds amazing.

[onecream_fivesugar]

...It would?

[No Robyn, don't consider it. You make rose petals, not tea.]

[pheromonecoffee]

Yes. It's very unique.

[onecream_fivesugar]

I guess, but how exactly are you supposed to fight crime with tea?

[pheromonecoffee]

... You can't use this on me because I'm telling you it and being nice so you have to find other villains to test it on--

But you throw hot tea on them. It would work every time.

[onecream_fivesugar]

That's not a bad idea.

Alright, I wont test it on you.

...After it's been tested though, I can't make any promises.

[pheromonecoffee]

No. No no no no no. See this is where you graciously admit that I'm a nice person for helping you and you never throw boiling water on me.

[onecream_fivesugar]

I could do that, but only if you agree to give up on the whole super villain thing. Deal?

[pheromonecoffee]

Impossible. I just started. I announced my evil plan and everything I will just have to stay far away from you.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Well you better watch out then, because when something evil pops up, I'll be just around the corner to stop it.

...With hot tea, in your case.

[pheromonecoffee]

I can't believe you would betray this sign of goodwill like this.

[onecream_fivesugar]

And I can't believe you'd betray my sign of goodwill! I'm trying to redeem you here, buddy.

You aren't leaving me with a lot of options.

[pheromonecoffee]

I'm not the one using someone's own advice against him. Who's the real villain here?

[onecream_fivesugar]

You are... You said you were going to be a super villain.

[pheromonecoffee]

Heroes live by a strict moral code. You're breaking it.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Or am I? Maybe I'm only saying all these to try and get you to give up your evil ways.

[pheromonecoffee]

Threats aren't very heroic.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Well... no, they aren't.

[He's got her there.]

[pheromonecoffee]

You need to work on your heroism.

[onecream_fivesugar]

...Would you believe me if I said it was my first day?

[pheromonecoffee]

It's okay. There will be many more days and I'll make sure no one murders you while you're getting the hang of it.

[onecream_fivesugar]

That's awfully nice for a super villain... You sure you aren't in the wrong business?

[pheromonecoffee]

The only difference between villainy and heroism is method. Look at all the damage heroes do in action movies.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Don't the villains cause just as much damage? Because they kind of set everything in motion?