Dated to June 7th

[pheromonecoffee]

[Matt Abbot sits before you today in a spinny desk chair, illuminated by his laptop screen. If you thought Matt couldn’t get dumber, you were wrong. You were very wrong. He is making good on his threats of stupidity so over the top they’re impossible to believe. Today Matt is wearing a surprisingly well made masquerade-style eye mask, black with a diagonal cut of blue over his left eye. And he is also wearing a surprising well made collared cape, black with a blue lining. He is also just wearing generally nice clothing under it because you can totally dress like a supervillain and still be stylish.

He steeples his fingers, a sly(ish) smile on his face.]

Greetings, Numbered. As I have been recently freed from the mortal prison of mandatory education, I am now free to pursue any future I wish. … Until August because I have already paid my tuition deposit.

But until August, Locke City, you are being watched. I will be your worst nightmare. I will be a supervillain the likes of which none of you have ever seen before. Such dastardly deeds as speaking in a fake New Jersey accent, directing tourists to the wrong streets and ripping tags off mattresses will happen on the streets every day for as long as I remain in its borders. I will accomplish all my good deeds by questionable means, causing me to become a terrible menace who will puzzle philosophy majors because no one can tell if I'm actually being a bad person. [He leans back in his chair, doing his best to look mysterious and dangerous.]

My first dastardly deed will be a kidnapping. Next Monday, June 16th, I will be kidnapping one of your number, heroes, and taking him with me to Las Vegas. If you wish to guarantee his safety, there is room for two others to accompany us on our cross-country trip. If you wish to ensure his safe return to New Jersey, then you may contact me and we will discuss plans.

[And with that the video turns off. However, Matt is still going, typing. He’s posting a selfie, too, of him in graduation robes. He’s got the National Honor Society gold graduation stole and everything.]

Graduation’s next weekend, too. My parents and my aunt and uncle are the reason I can take the trip--the car’s a graduation thing. Being serious for a second, though, if you want to come, the car is big enough that it won’t be an awful trip. Leaving the 16th at 8AM. If you’re under 18, I need parental permission. I’ll text you my number.

Comments

[onecream_fivesugar]

That's awfully nice for a super villain... You sure you aren't in the wrong business?

[pheromonecoffee]

The only difference between villainy and heroism is method. Look at all the damage heroes do in action movies.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Don't the villains cause just as much damage? Because they kind of set everything in motion?

[pheromonecoffee]

A villain robs a bank for a thousand bucks, and the heroes destroy a bridge while trying to stop them. One's a little bit more expensive.

[onecream_fivesugar]

But all of it could've been avoided if the villain didn't steal the money in the first place.

[pheromonecoffee]

What if he needed to feed his hungry family?

[onecream_fivesugar]

I'm sure if he had ability to rob a bank and force a hero to break a bridge to stop him, that he'd be able to get a job doing something else.

I'm so sorry.

[pheromonecoffee]

Classist. Not everyone can find a job you know. My dad's a biologist and he can't find anything full time.

[onecream_fivesugar]

...Is that why you're becoming a super villain?

[pheromonecoffee]

If you trace things far enough back, that's why I'm in Locke, so sort of?

[onecream_fivesugar]

Oh. ...Well I still don't think a life of crime is the answer...

[pheromonecoffee]

Small crimes. The fun kind.

[onecream_fivesugar]

The small fun kind are still crimes.

[pheromonecoffee]

Directing lost tourists to froyo places instead of a museum?

[onecream_fivesugar]

Okay, well it's not really a crime but it's a jerk move.

And I'll be there to point out that you're telling them lies and I'll have Google Maps open to prove it.

[pheromonecoffee]

But I'm directing them to delicious frozen treats.

[onecream_fivesugar]

But they wanted to go to the museum!

[pheromonecoffee]

Frozen yogurt is better than the museum, especially if I take them to that build your own place.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Mmmmmm... That does sound good.

But as much as I like it and as much as other people should like it too, it's still not what they wanted to do. You can just point them in the direction of frozen yogurt and expect them to like it.

[pheromonecoffee]

Yes I can, it's frozen yogurt. Everyone likes frozen yogurt.

[onecream_fivesugar]

Well as much as I wish that were true, not everyone likes it.

[pheromonecoffee]

Lies and slander, get out. You are the true villain.

[onecream_fivesugar]

What? No! No, I'm not!

[pheromonecoffee]

You're implying that people don't like delicious frozen treats.

[onecream_fivesugar]

I'm not implying that at all!