text;

[drama8om8]

[ Hello, network. If you're eating, you may wish to look away. Children and people of a nervous disposition are also advised to steer clear of this post. Why, you may ask? ]


~When Worlds Collide~
A fanfiction for Mac (and the rest of you guys too I guess) 8y Tavia Serket
(Rated R! KIDS KEEP OUT!!!!!!!!)

[ That's why. ]


It was a super 8oring cold January evening and Detective 'Dick8ag' Sherman was super depressed. "I am depressed," he snotted grossly to himself, alone and misera8le in his shitty dum8 police office. "It is pro8a8ly 8ecause I am so lame. And ugly. And also I stink. God my life is fucking terri8le."

He sighed. And made a super sad face thinking a8out how majorly gross he was in every possi8le way. Life was hard when you were a complete and utter dicklord. And 8ecause he was the worst of all the dicklords, no8ody in the entire world could really understand his pain.

Or should I say........ No8ody FROM this world?

Just then, there was a conveniently-timed knock at the door of Detective Douche8ag's office. "GOD," he ejacul8ted. He lit a cigarette and smoked it angrily. It smelled super gross. "WHO DARES TO INTERRUPT MY ANGSTING?"

The door 8urst open and there was........ AN ALIEN. One of the evil ones, not one of the cool superpowered people that Sherman h8ted that might have 8een aliens in their past lives. This alien was one of the asshole aliens who are working with the cops. It was 8asically like your lamey-lame stereotypical alien design that you see fucking EVERYWHERE, except it was pink and also had a 8ow on its head 8ecause those fuckers are all a8out 8eing cute and shit apparently. ((A/N: I will edit this l8ter if the evil aliens actually end up 8eing green tentacle monsters or something, ok. Get off my 8ack! Wow.))

"Hello Shermy," said the alien cute-evilly. "What is up, 8uttmuffin?"

"I'm grumpy and depressed 8ecause I am not as cool or smart or attractive as those guys we're trying to kill," wept Sherman. He tore his shirt off in his grief. It was super gross ((A/N: My headcanon is that he has a third nipple and incredi8ly unattractive 8ody hair. Feel free to use!)). "It's just so hard, you know?"

"Is it," evil-giggled the evil alien, evilly. "That's super convenient." And then the alien STR8IGHT-UP 8TE SHERMAN'S PANTS HOLY SHIT.

"Those were my 8est pants," cried Sherman, even though they were super lame and he pro8a8ly 8ought them from Walmart for like five 8ucks. He 8lew smoke everywhere like a giant raging asshole and then stu88ed his cigarette out on his desk. "You are viol8ting my pants-rel8ted rights. I am going to have to place you under arrest, and then I will 8e a serious dick to you. It's going to suck."

"That's some kinky shit," evilled the alien. "Speaking of serious dick. And sucking........"

"Omfg," said Sherman.

Just then, there was ANOTHER knock on the door! "GO AWAY," yodelled the world's most stupid dum8 detective (Sherman). "I'M SUPER 8USY RIGHT NOW."

8ut unfortun8tely for Sherman and his super distasteful xeno action, the person didn't go away. The door 8urst open again and there........ was police chief Simon Edwards!!!!!!!!

"WHAT THE EVIL POLICING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE," the chief screamed. "WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT. HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX ON POLICE PREMISES........"

Sherman gulped. Oh shit he was so fired! And so ugly. And so super gross in literally every possi8le way. He held his 8reath (partly 8ecause he was scared and partly so he didn't have to 8reathe his own stink).

"........WITHOUT INVITING ME TOO," finished the chief. He was naked.

"Omfg," said Sherman.


((TO 8E CONTINUED!!!!!!!!))

Comments

[wirsinddiejager]

A+ 100% accurate to reality.

[drama8om8]

Idk do you think I put enough emphasis on exactly how much he stinks?
Like that shit is hard to put into words. Even for someone as gr8 as me! ::::C

audio;

[hawaiianheir]

[HOWLING.]

[Maniacally.]

Fucking worth it.

audio;

[drama8om8]

I'm super glad to hear this matches your smut preferences! You're welcome.

[handwritten]

[wastingtime]

Have you considered a career in writing?

text;

[drama8om8]

[ O-OMG

THE RECOGNITION SHE CRAVES

WITHIN HER GRASP ]

Uh. May8e?
Like acting was always the 8ig dream 8ut that's going to 8e super hard now I'm a fairy and shit.
8ut I can WRITE movies instead! I mean that can't 8e super difficult. Not for some8ody with my talents! 8888)

voice; i make no regrets

[theboywiththebook]

[HENRY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THESE WORDS BUT WOW IS IT REALLY BAD. ALL THE SEXUAL STUFF IS KIND OF GOING OVER HIS HEAD. EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE BLUNT SEX TALK. ALSO NOT LISTENING TO THE PARENTAL ADVISORY WARNING BECAUSE HA SCREW THAT, YOU KNOW WHY, TAVIA! REBEL LIFE!]

No wonder he hasn't got us yet. He sucks at his job.

[Pun completely unintentionally and unknowingly said.]

voice; CRYING

[drama8om8]

He sure does suck. He sucks hardcore. He sucks so hard that he blows!

[ Taking the subtlety from that accidental pun

AND THROWING IT ON THE GROUUUNNNDDDD ]

[ursoreckless]

My ex-girlfriend was way better than this guy with sucking.

Then again she also used to spit.

[drama8om8]

TOO MUCH INFORMATION BRO WOW.

text

[umbrael]

Why.

text

[drama8om8]

Freedom of artistic expression is why! Can't 8e tamed! MY ART WILL NOT 8E HIDDEN!!!!!!!!

 

 

(And also 8ecause my friend Mac 8asically goaded me into it and Sherman is a giant alien-8oinking douche)

text

[hungryhunter]

ur not gonna write the actual fucking in the sequel tho rite

text

[drama8om8]

"8e gentle with me," Sherman whispered as Chief Edwards solemnly caressed his 8utt.
"Never, you unfortun8-smelling fool," laughed Edwards with his tongue lodged firmly in the stinkier man's ear.

 

 

^ Does that answer your question? 8888)

video;

[idealofhope]

What's wrong with Wal-Mart?

video; GOD

[drama8om8]

 

 

 

 

...seriously?

text;

[waltharius]

I'm taking this as confirmation that you have no shame whatsoever. Congratulations, Tavia. You have outdone yourself.

text;

[drama8om8]

Pfft, out-DONE!
As in like. DOING.
Get it?
Eh?
Ehhhhhhhh???????? :::;D

old lady handwriting

[pokebonnet]

[By the way, she's staring at your fanfic in redfaced confusion for a good ten minutes before she writes in shaky handwriting:]

Oh dear.

Did this actually happen?

text; oh mydfusdg I'M SORRY

[drama8om8]

[ No, Tavia

No

BAD

RESIST THE TEMPTATION ]

Yes. ::::C
It is 100% actual irl canon. I heard it all happen when I got arrested!
Sometimes at night, I still hear the screaming when I close my eyes.

[grannyfucker]

The sheer force of Simon Edwards's nakedness and the sexiness emanating off Simon Edwards's body forced Sherman's and the alien's clothes off completely (assuming the alien is even wearing clothes aside from the bow, you weren't very clear on that). The almost blinding sheen of the sweat basting Simon Edwards's entire human form forced the other two to salivate wildly as they flocked to Simon Edwards's body. While they began desperately caressing Simon Edwards's nipples with their tongues, out of breath and frantic from the intensity of their desire, Simon Edwards laughed heartily.

"SADDLE UP, BOYS, WE'RE ON THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY TO HELL! YOU TWO ARE ONLY THE BEGINNINGS OF MY PLANS FOR THIS POLICE DEPARTMENT."

Sherman, mesmerized by the sultry and seductive quality of Simon Edwards's dulcet tones, fell to his knees, paralyzed by lust. The only thing propping him upright at all any more was his enormous, unbreakable rock python. He tried desperately to grab onto Simon Edwards's bearded blood sausage, but the thing was so untameable and slippery that it took him several moments before he could wrestle it into submission and begin to palm it at such incredible speed that it could no longer hold back. It began to cream all over the room harder than an entire dairy farm could ever hope to churn out in a week.

As the cum hose flew out of Sherman's hand and coated the entire room in spunk, the alien swooned and fell to the ground, aiming his mouth to become the basin of the spooge fountain.

Simon Edwards grinned slyly through Simon Edwards's triumphant laughter. Simon Edwards narrowed Simon Edwards's eyes at the two underlings. "SO GET READY--I'M GOING TO RECTUMIFY THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE."

[drama8om8]

 

 

 

((I seriously dou8t Sherman has an "enormous un8r8ka8le rock python?" I was thinking more "malnourished earthworm" to 8e honest 8ut ok let's do this shit))

"Oh my god," panted Sherman in a hideous and also stench-filled manner. "Yes. Yes! Rectumific8tion. That is exactly what I have always dreamed that you would do to me, Simon Edwards. What I have always dreamed you would do for ALL of us. I am so hot for you right now."

"What IS this Earth human rectumifying that you speak of," the evil alien evilly asked. Sherman and Edwards laughed together at the alien's sexual naiveté, 8ecause they were kind of dicks like that. Dicks! How appropri8.

"I am sure that Police Chief Simon Edwards can help you understand," Sherman jovially winked through the waves of his stink. The skin on his face creaked a little 8it as he tried to smile, 8ut failed. "8end over, Kawaii alien-chan. It is time we officially welcomed you to Earth. With our penises."

text;

[centurian]

[ Well... if he needed any more evidence that he'd stooped to a petty argument with a teenage girl the other day... this would be it.

Still... despite the general... horridness of the prose... ]

You should send this to Detective Sherman.

text;

[drama8om8]

Already planning on it! >:::;D
8ut we have to do some prepar8tions first. We are going to do a dramatic reading. Alan will 8e voicing Sherman for me!
It's going to 8e FUCKING PERFECT.

[ That would be the Alan who was on the news a couple of months ago being accused of terrorism. Along with Octavia.

For. Anyone who might follow such things. ]

[Handwritten]

[originaloddcouple]

That was nice Tavia. I need to go wash my eyes now.

text;

[drama8om8]

DON'T USE 8LEACH. The tempt8tion will 8e strong, 8ut you can resist.
I 8elieve in you!!!!!!!!

text;

[anequal]

i'm surprised you didn't say he had eight nipples

well done

text;

[drama8om8]

Please!!!!!!!!
Like I would soil my soul8onded spirit num8er 8y applying it to THAT douchelord.
Like I would taint it so cruelly! WOW.
The very idea is a8solutely the most unconsciona8le!

[mood2wiingiing]

beautiful.
im sure you have a career as an author ahead of you.

[drama8om8]

Wow, I thought I said kids keep out????????
I wouldn't want to get in trou8le with your daddy over this!
Lol. ::::P

[dragon_blossom]

literal actual truth.

[drama8om8]

Damn right!
Technically this is less "fanfiction" and more "exactly what I overheard when I got arrested that one time, true facts." ::::C

[wonk]

i see ur plans 2 post this on a tumblr

i would like 2 suggest simonedhard.tumblr.com

[drama8om8]

I am actually crying a little 8it right now 8ecause that's perf8ction and it wasn't me that th8ught of it I h8cked up I'm tr8sh

[handwritten]

[moarnomsplz]

OK you're not allowed to use "super" again til you can prove you'll be responsible with it.

text;

[drama8om8]

I'd super like to see you super try to super stop me supering when I am so incredi8ly super at it, 8uddy!
8eing responsi8le and using words in moder8tion is for CHUMPS. Winners go all out!

Text;

[persuaderoll]

[ ... What

did he just read.


... No seriously what did he just read. His eyes and head both hurt a little from try to parse this. ]

How old are you

[ Uh oh look out here come the boring adult brigade. ]

text;

[drama8om8]

I turned seventeen a couple of months ago. Why?
If you are asking a8out the legality of me writing explicit smut then FUCK THE LAW, CAN'T 8E TAMED!!!!!!!!

audio;

[redical]

[There's just... a lot of laughing for a moment.]

Oh man, that was beautiful. If I were the sentimental type, I'd shed a single tear right about now.

audio;

[drama8om8]

Man. Sounds like somebody needs to see the incredibly moving and emotional conclusion! Waity-wait, I'll just. Link that.

[ And attached is a text link! One that is far, far more nsfw than the beginning of the... thrilling tale. Um. ]

Text

[stop_hamerutime]

i'm not sure if it's fanfiction if it's about real people...