savetheearth

[ Hello, network. If you're eating, you may wish to look away. Children and people of a nervous disposition are also advised to steer clear of this post. Why, you may ask? ]

~When Worlds Collide~
A fanfiction for Mac (and the rest of you guys too I guess) 8y Tavia Serket
(Rated R! KIDS KEEP OUT!!!!!!!!)

[ That's why. ]

It was a super 8oring cold January evening and Detective 'Dick8ag' Sherman was super depressed. "I am depressed," he snotted grossly to himself, alone and misera8le in his shitty dum8 police office. "It is pro8a8ly 8ecause I am so lame. And ugly. And also I stink. God my life is fucking terri8le."

He sighed. And made a super sad face thinking a8out how majorly gross he was in every possi8le way. Life was hard when you were a complete and utter dicklord. And 8ecause he was the worst of all the dicklords, no8ody in the entire world could really understand his pain.

Or should I say........ No8ody FROM this world?

Just then, there was a conveniently-timed knock at the door of Detective Douche8ag's office. "GOD," he ejacul8ted. He lit a cigarette and smoked it angrily. It smelled super gross. "WHO DARES TO INTERRUPT MY ANGSTING?"

The door 8urst open and there was........ AN ALIEN. One of the evil ones, not one of the cool superpowered people that Sherman h8ted that might have 8een aliens in their past lives. This alien was one of the asshole aliens who are working with the cops. It was 8asically like your lamey-lame stereotypical alien design that you see fucking EVERYWHERE, except it was pink and also had a 8ow on its head 8ecause those fuckers are all a8out 8eing cute and shit apparently. ((A/N: I will edit this l8ter if the evil aliens actually end up 8eing green tentacle monsters or something, ok. Get off my 8ack! Wow.))

"Hello Shermy," said the alien cute-evilly. "What is up, 8uttmuffin?"

"I'm grumpy and depressed 8ecause I am not as cool or smart or attractive as those guys we're trying to kill," wept Sherman. He tore his shirt off in his grief. It was super gross ((A/N: My headcanon is that he has a third nipple and incredi8ly unattractive 8ody hair. Feel free to use!)). "It's just so hard, you know?"

"Is it," evil-giggled the evil alien, evilly. "That's super convenient." And then the alien STR8IGHT-UP 8TE SHERMAN'S PANTS HOLY SHIT.

"Those were my 8est pants," cried Sherman, even though they were super lame and he pro8a8ly 8ought them from Walmart for like five 8ucks. He 8lew smoke everywhere like a giant raging asshole and then stu88ed his cigarette out on his desk. "You are viol8ting my pants-rel8ted rights. I am going to have to place you under arrest, and then I will 8e a serious dick to you. It's going to suck."

"That's some kinky shit," evilled the alien. "Speaking of serious dick. And sucking........"

"Omfg," said Sherman.

Just then, there was ANOTHER knock on the door! "GO AWAY," yodelled the world's most stupid dum8 detective (Sherman). "I'M SUPER 8USY RIGHT NOW."

8ut unfortun8tely for Sherman and his super distasteful xeno action, the person didn't go away. The door 8urst open again and there........ was police chief Simon Edwards!!!!!!!!

"WHAT THE EVIL POLICING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE," the chief screamed. "WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT. HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX ON POLICE PREMISES........"

Sherman gulped. Oh shit he was so fired! And so ugly. And so super gross in literally every possi8le way. He held his 8reath (partly 8ecause he was scared and partly so he didn't have to 8reathe his own stink).

"........WITHOUT INVITING ME TOO," finished the chief. He was naked.

"Omfg," said Sherman.

((TO 8E CONTINUED!!!!!!!!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sounds like you're hopping a8oard the artistic repression train!!!!!!!!
Choo choo!
I'm just a channel for the arts, ok. You can't 8lame me for unleashing my 8eautiful cre8tions on the world!

I'm pretty sure I can, that's what art critics are for.

Speaking of - who just drops A/N notes in the middle of a story? What are you, twelve?

Critics are just NERDS who are pushing their own super rigid and snooty definitions of art on other people!
DUH. Critics don't know SHIT.

And I'm 17 now and the notes were NECESSARY. And they add an informal touch! And junk.

Actually I would say critics know shit since they see enough of it all the time. Like this. This is shit.

Your FACE is shit!!!!!!!!
My art 8rings joy to 8uttloads of people. And more importantly, it is going to piss off Detective Sherman when we send it to him!
Take your critic 8ullshit and stuff it up your ass. No lu8e. Just go in dry. >::::P

[There was going to be a retort about biting pillows, but then one of the things she wrote clicked in his head.]

Hold the goddamn phone--

Are you seriously planning to send this to him?

Yep.
We're sending a dramatic reading of it. He might LITERALLY EXPLODE WITH 8UTTMAD RAGE.
If that happens and we save the earth with smutfic: YOU'RE WELCOME. ::::)

[there's a bit of a pause, ~~one that could almost feel like four days~~ before Doyle finally gets his fingers working on a response.]

That has got to be the second dumbest thing I have seen on this network.

... From you, I mean, there's way dumber stunts I've seen on this thing, in fairness--

But that is still a goddamn terrible idea are you seriously going to risk getting caught over godawful smutfic?

[... ok maybe it's a little funny to think about but at the same time this is terrible. What's the matter with kids today?]

Edited (oh my god i'm too tired for rping) 2014-01-23 04:41 (UTC)

There's like. No risk involved. Duh.
Sherman already knows our names and faces and that we are hiding! And the package will 8e sent anonymously.
Don't 8e such an old lady!

How anonymously are we talking, here? Rock through a window or elaborate ghost drop-off?

I'm going to keep being an "old lady" about this until I'm sure you're not going to get busted again.

Is "sending it in the mail in the dead of night with my face covered" not careful enough?
Even though I have 8een a8le to go out at night without 8eing caught for WEEKS now????????
(Unless you include the 8it where I got caught 8y 8lood Keys 8ut they're not the cops so they TOTALLY don't count here.)

Edited 2014-01-24 11:32 (UTC)

Knowing these assholes, probably not, no.

Oh, only the Blood Keys, well then! It's a good thing they're not in cahoots with anyone else out to get us us!

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