[Action/Handwritten]

[healspec]

[OOC: warning for anxiety-induced self-pity spirals, if you don't find that kind of threading rewarding you should probably move on.]

[Action; LCU Hospital]

[Monday is Ravi's first night back at work since heading out of town for Thanksgiving. Just like every shift since they admitted that cop who was shot in the drug bust, he goes over to ICU before his shift to ask the nurses how that patient's doing.]

[Usually, they tell him critical but stable. Tonight, they tell him Officer Wisniewski died Wednesday morning, right before Ravi left town for the holiday weekend.]

[It hits him harder than he expected. He thanks the nurses, walks back down to ER, clocks in, and tries to get through his shift. He can't. All he can think about is how he could have done something. He can heal people. It works. He's done it plenty of times before. Maybe he couldn't have repaired all the damage, but he could've given the man a fighting chance instead of leaving it in the hands of modern medicine.]

[but he didn't. he didn't do anything outside his RN scope of practice. because the university grounds--hospital included--are crawling with cops, and he didn't want to risk outing himself.]

[and now a man is dead, and it's his fault for not wanting to risk his own life.]

[that goes against everything he has ever learned as a medic and as a nurse. even in Baghdad he risked his own life multiple times to save others. he has run out into the line of fire to drag wounded comrades to safety. he has had to patch people up while being shot at. and he let a stupid thing like police presence keep him from doing everything in his power to save a patient?]

[Having magical healing abilities sounds great until you realize you can't use them when they're most needed.]

[It isn't long before the charge nurse notices he's not doing so hot and asks what's wrong. He can't explain why, stammers out something about being more affected by a patient's death than he thought he would be, she asks if he can make it through his shift and all he can say is he'll try.]

[He does try, but he's so unfocused and emotionally preoccupied and wasting so much energy on trying to pretend he's okay that he's next to useless. He can tell he's heading for a full-blown anxiety attack, but it's not until the charge nurse tells him to go home, she's called someone in to cover for him, that it finally hits.]

[He can't drive home like this. He clocks out and heads to the breakroom, which is not frequently trafficked in the ER, and curls up in the corner of the couch, hugging his knees to his chest. The plan is to ride out the anxiety until he's okay to drive, but being alone with his own brain is not helping. It just keeps playing back all the opportunities he had to intervene with magic, pointing out everything he did wrong and how this death is his fault. He hasn't felt like this since that first time a patient died on him in the line of duty. It's not something he ever wanted to relive.]

[He needs to talk to someone, he decides. He gets up just long enough to scrounge up a notepad from elsewhere in the room and returns to the couch.]




[Network public; Handwritten; Monday night around 10~11PM]

[ballpoint pen on lined paper; the handwriting is angular, but loose and sloppy. it's obviously written in a rush, but it's still pretty legible.]

Officer Wisniewski died in ICU on Wednesday. Lilian told me today when I came in.

I was there when the EMTs brought him in. I ran his IV, I did his charts. I could have healed him. I could have healed him and I didn't because I didn't want anyone to find out, I didn't want to be arrested for trying to save someone. He was here for a week and I didn't do anything, I even could have snuck into ICU and healed him but I didn't.

I let him die. I let a man die because I didn't want to be caught and if I want to keep hidden I'm going to have to let other patients die too.

I can't do this again. I am in this job because I want to save people. I don't know what to do.


[notes: Officer Mike Wisniewski is the NPC cop who was shot in the same drug bust Angela was 'killed' in. It's been in the news.]

[Anyone with an excuse to be there is welcome to approach Ravi in the ER breakroom for an action thread. All non-action responses will be handwritten unless otherwise stated.]

Comments

[Handwritten]

[originaloddcouple]

[Miria isn't sure how to react. She's never dealt with anything like this before.

Or at least, she hopes she hasn't.

She does the first thing that comes to mind though when she reads the post.]

It's not your fault.

[healspec]

[ty for your efforts miria, unfortunately he is not of a mind to listen]

It is.

I have healing powers. I could have used them and probably he would still be alive if I did.

[originaloddcouple]

But

[It takes her a minute to think of a response.]

But could you tell he was going to die if you didn't help?

[Action]

[detectivetroll]

[Nick's been in this hospital way too much lately. First with Yuji, and now working this case - it's been almost a week since Officer Wisniewski died, and the charges were upped. Angela's part of the investigation may have shifted from 'murdered cop' to 'wanted potential terrorist,' but Mike was just a cop. This part is just Nick's usual line of work.

If it wasn't a cop who had been killed, if it wasn't Angela who'd been shot and was now - well, where ever she was, Nick isn't sure if he'd be doing this. The chances that Mike told any of the doctors or nurses that cared for him something important are slim at best, and the chances that whoever'd done it had come in to visit are virtually none, but Nick has to try.

He has a list of the people who'd worked on or come into contact with Mike, and so far he's talked to almost everyone on it. Nick's back again to fill in the missing pieces, and when he flashes his badge, he's informed that Ravi's working today, so he heads off in search.

But when he finds him, he hesitates in the door of the breakroom.]

...hey. Is this a bad time?

[healspec]

[his head snaps up and he stares at Nick a bit like a deer in headlights for a moment. Ravi isn't crying, but he is definitely visibly upset.]

[he vaguely recognizes Nick, but can't place a name to the face. detective, he remembers that part.]

[most people in this situation would probably go with, 'sorry, yeah, it is.' Ravi, however, is terrible at that sort of honesty and doesn't like feeling like he's letting people down. He uncurls, sitting up, feet on the floor. He turns the notepad over in his lap so Nick can't see what he was writing]

It's fine-- [it is obviously not fine] Do you need something?

[detectivetroll]

[No, it's very obviously not fine.

Even if he didn't know that Ravi was Kotetsu's friend, and part of the network, Nick wouldn't dive right in to what he'd come here for with someone obviously upset. Considering the long shot of what he's looking for, if it was a normal case Nick'd just apologize and say he could come back another time, but, well. This isn't normal.

He quirks a slight smile.]

It's hard to lie to a detective, man. Do you need something?

[Texted]

[espigeonage]

Ah.

I don't know anything about sneaking into an ICU. Do you think you'd have been able to do it? W/out being caught?

[healspec]

I work here. In ER, not ICU, but no one would be suspicious to find me there.

I would have needed a few minutes, only.

[espigeonage]

Are there cameras there? Is it more than reasonable that they would have traced it back to you?

video;

[stagnantair]

[Gavin takes a while to contemplate what to say. The other is really messed up over this, and while he understands he also knows he has to be logical about what to do and say. He lets out a sigh, and switches the video on.]

You're not the one who shot him, you know. I might be easy to blame yourself, for not healing him, but you're not the one who hurt him to begin with.

Besides, if you'd have healed him it would have been hard to cover up. Even if you had done it in the middle of the night, there would be no explanation about why he was alive, or suddenly uninjured.

I can't imagine how hard this is, but you can't blame yourself.

[healspec]

[it is nice to hear a voice. he's still going to argue with it, but it's nice to hear.]

No I didn't but it is my job to keep people from dying and I did not do everything I could.

I know. I know they would catch me sooner or later, but

If the cops were not after us I would have done it. Someone else shot him and then his own comrades kept someone from saving him. What kind of a team is that?

[Text]

[shiromadoushi]

You can't save everyone. Even if you're not trying to hide.

[healspec]

No, but I should be able to save the people who come to me to be saved.

[Text]

[professorwolf]

You can't fix the world, Ravindra. People are going to die. And if you healed this one, and you were caught, you couldn't heal anyone else in the future.

I think this will come to a head eventually. Then there will be less sneaking. Maybe then you can be more open. Until then, keep it small. You may have to lose some. There are far too many people in that hospital for you to heal them all, even if you were going to try.

[Lyall isn't as brusque as he could be... but nor is he as gentle as he could be. He's had a day, okay, and he has no patience for self-pity.]

[healspec]

I know that but it does not make me feel better about it.

It doesn't have to be everyone. The ones our doctors can't save, only. And just enough that they can do the rest. Why is that so much to want for?

I thought I learned to accept losing patients. But not like this.

Voice. Cellphone.

[flamberge]

[This reply comes early Tuesday morning and only comes because of the mentioned death. Oh, so the officer died. Tragic, but a noble death, if nothing else. Richard refrains from saying that, however.]

You had done what you were humanly able; the family appreciates that more than you may realize, even if they never actually say so.

[Typed]

[healspec]

[by Tuesday morning he has calmed down significantly and can actually respond like a rational human being.]

[that doesn't mean he's not still upset about it. just that he's handling it better.]

Humanly able, I guess, yes. But not everything I was reasonably capable of.

Thank you, anyway.

video/private

[ladyofluminosity]

[Guess who looks like a teenage version of her mom?]

Lilian?

still handwritten, also private

[healspec]

[....wow that is. an extremely familiar face, sans a couple decades.]

[didn't he see someone on the network mentioning family at the hospital a while back...?]

One of the ICU nurses.

[hesitates, if he's wrong it's going to be embarrassing, but even that would be a welcome distraction from the blame and self-pity he's wrapped up in right now.]

Are you related?

[earnedmystripes]

[Kotetsu thinks he knows what to say when he starts to read this post. They'd talked about it before, Ravi's worries about Officer Wisniewski, about his powers and getting caught and this in particular reminds him so much of that first drunken conversation, the way Ravi had helped him when Candy disappeared and he was torn up inside about not confronting Sherman about her, not trying to rescue her.

The words are all there in his head, things about how it's not his fault, how it was too big a risk, and then he gets to the last sentence.

It's been awhile, but he recognizes the sensation as it comes. The rapid heartbeat, the feeling of everything hollowing out...

(And there you are again, in a bar or lounge of some sort, handing a tip to a girl at a piano and walking away--before she stops you.

"Wait! ...Why do you continue being a Hero?"

Then you're sitting at the bar itself, together, talking. Something you say ruffles her feathers and she gets up to leave, but this time, you stop her.

"Say...why do you sing?"

She stops, doesn't turn around, but there's passion in her voice as she answers:

"Because I love to. And I want everyone to hear my singing."

"Same here."

"...Huh?"

"I'm being a Hero because I want to save people. Isn't that enough for a reason?")

Kotetsu returns to the present there, and almost as soon as he does, he starts thinking about the last memory he got. The one with that woman's voice, No matter what happens, please be a Hero. Promise me that, the one that he knew with absolute certainty meant everything to whoever he'd been.

I'm being a Hero because I want to save people.

It's the last piece that confirms what he's been suspecting all along. He was supposed to be a superhero with terrible costume sense, the kind he'd grown up reading about in comics and movies. Usually, the thought terrifies him, the burden of living up to his former self dragging him down into the pits of despair and self-effacement. And maybe, when he looks back on this later, it will, but for that moment something seems to click into place.

He doesn't respond with any of the consolations he'd intended to.]

Next time. You'll do it next time. I'll help you with not getting caught.

[It's a risk, much like the idea with the dogs. But Kotetsu has been finding, slowly, that he's sick and tired of living in fear. He's tired of hiding and letting people die and not fighting back.]

[healspec]

[kotetsu you are beautiful right now. he is so glad it isn't one more person trying to say it's not his fault, or convince him it was the best course of action in the long run. just acceptance and then determination. that's what he needs to hear.]

Yes. Next time it won't happen like this.

Next time I will choose the right thing.

[pause, it crosses his mind to tell Kotetsu that he needs to be careful too, he's important, they need someone so thoroughly on their side working in the position he's in.]

[but that's the same bullshit people have been telling him in this post already. it's not helpful, guarding yourself for that reason. why be important if you can't use it?]

Thank you.

[Video]

[destinedforrock]

[The buzz - the figurative one - has effectively been keeping Cinderella nice and awake into later hours.

This is the second time she's been at a loss for words for something on which she's compelled to comment.

The first time was for a very pleasant acquaintance, and so she'd figured getting it over with on sincerity was enough, but this time she's unsure even how to tone it.]

Ah -- [Her usual drawl and inflection's there - but as if it's slowed down, somehow, edited to a skew.] -- I am.

...Sorry.

[Forcibly speeds and loosens her tone...] But, just as everybody's saying - [Considers a "dear" or other such - reconsiders.] - it wasn't really your fault.

[Perhaps slightly on the superficial side as it has, indeed, already been said, but at least it's self-awarely so - makes it a tad simpler to deliver.]

[healspec]

[she can't hear it, but there is a humourless huff of an almost-laugh at the absurdity of this situation. Alex's own cat was one of the network's talking animals but Ravi still can't get over it when he sees others.]

[a horse is trying to talk him out of his self-pity spiral. he just... there really are no words for that.]

God. When did this become my life?

[Voice | Private]

[whiterabbit_dot_obj]

[It takes Barnaby a while to reply - pulses are concentrated hell, and once he manages to recover he has to remember what he was planning to say in the first place. And then figure out how to set a conversation on the Network to private, because if there's even the tiniest chance this will head in a personal direction he wants to take no risks.]

Do you really know it would've made a difference if you'd tried to heal him, or do you just think it would have?

[His voice is quiet, and still a little breathless, but it doesn't waver.]

If someone is in a hospital, getting the best care modern medicine and technology can provide from people who know what they're doing and want to save them, and they end up dying anyway? Maybe that's what was supposed to happen. You having the power to heal doesn't change that. You didn't "let" him die, because choosing whether or not to use your power isn't the same as choosing if someone lives or dies. That's not your choice to make.

If you're willing to risk getting caught and use your powers, that's your choice. Just...if someone is supposed to die, they're going to die even if you pour every bit of power you have into trying to keep them alive. What you can do isn't a miracle cure - it's a free pass. Not everyone gets one of those.

[Sorry, Ravi. Barnaby just has some...interesting thoughts on death and how it works.

This is probably going to get awkward.]

[Handwritten | Private]

[healspec]

[he thinks it would have, but he doesn't want to admit to being wrong, or give an answer that provides room for someone to wedge in an argument for it. so he is going to not address that part and instead focuses on the rest of it.]

What happens to him after I have done all I can is not in my hands. But whether to do all I can is my choice to make.

If I don't, maybe he would die anyway, or maybe he dies because of me. If I do, he lives because of me or he dies despite my help. If he dies either way, my karma still is affected by my choices.