[Action/Handwritten]

[healspec]

[OOC: warning for anxiety-induced self-pity spirals, if you don't find that kind of threading rewarding you should probably move on.]

[Action; LCU Hospital]

[Monday is Ravi's first night back at work since heading out of town for Thanksgiving. Just like every shift since they admitted that cop who was shot in the drug bust, he goes over to ICU before his shift to ask the nurses how that patient's doing.]

[Usually, they tell him critical but stable. Tonight, they tell him Officer Wisniewski died Wednesday morning, right before Ravi left town for the holiday weekend.]

[It hits him harder than he expected. He thanks the nurses, walks back down to ER, clocks in, and tries to get through his shift. He can't. All he can think about is how he could have done something. He can heal people. It works. He's done it plenty of times before. Maybe he couldn't have repaired all the damage, but he could've given the man a fighting chance instead of leaving it in the hands of modern medicine.]

[but he didn't. he didn't do anything outside his RN scope of practice. because the university grounds--hospital included--are crawling with cops, and he didn't want to risk outing himself.]

[and now a man is dead, and it's his fault for not wanting to risk his own life.]

[that goes against everything he has ever learned as a medic and as a nurse. even in Baghdad he risked his own life multiple times to save others. he has run out into the line of fire to drag wounded comrades to safety. he has had to patch people up while being shot at. and he let a stupid thing like police presence keep him from doing everything in his power to save a patient?]

[Having magical healing abilities sounds great until you realize you can't use them when they're most needed.]

[It isn't long before the charge nurse notices he's not doing so hot and asks what's wrong. He can't explain why, stammers out something about being more affected by a patient's death than he thought he would be, she asks if he can make it through his shift and all he can say is he'll try.]

[He does try, but he's so unfocused and emotionally preoccupied and wasting so much energy on trying to pretend he's okay that he's next to useless. He can tell he's heading for a full-blown anxiety attack, but it's not until the charge nurse tells him to go home, she's called someone in to cover for him, that it finally hits.]

[He can't drive home like this. He clocks out and heads to the breakroom, which is not frequently trafficked in the ER, and curls up in the corner of the couch, hugging his knees to his chest. The plan is to ride out the anxiety until he's okay to drive, but being alone with his own brain is not helping. It just keeps playing back all the opportunities he had to intervene with magic, pointing out everything he did wrong and how this death is his fault. He hasn't felt like this since that first time a patient died on him in the line of duty. It's not something he ever wanted to relive.]

[He needs to talk to someone, he decides. He gets up just long enough to scrounge up a notepad from elsewhere in the room and returns to the couch.]




[Network public; Handwritten; Monday night around 10~11PM]

[ballpoint pen on lined paper; the handwriting is angular, but loose and sloppy. it's obviously written in a rush, but it's still pretty legible.]

Officer Wisniewski died in ICU on Wednesday. Lilian told me today when I came in.

I was there when the EMTs brought him in. I ran his IV, I did his charts. I could have healed him. I could have healed him and I didn't because I didn't want anyone to find out, I didn't want to be arrested for trying to save someone. He was here for a week and I didn't do anything, I even could have snuck into ICU and healed him but I didn't.

I let him die. I let a man die because I didn't want to be caught and if I want to keep hidden I'm going to have to let other patients die too.

I can't do this again. I am in this job because I want to save people. I don't know what to do.


[notes: Officer Mike Wisniewski is the NPC cop who was shot in the same drug bust Angela was 'killed' in. It's been in the news.]

[Anyone with an excuse to be there is welcome to approach Ravi in the ER breakroom for an action thread. All non-action responses will be handwritten unless otherwise stated.]

Comments

[Action]

[detectivetroll]

[Nick's been in this hospital way too much lately. First with Yuji, and now working this case - it's been almost a week since Officer Wisniewski died, and the charges were upped. Angela's part of the investigation may have shifted from 'murdered cop' to 'wanted potential terrorist,' but Mike was just a cop. This part is just Nick's usual line of work.

If it wasn't a cop who had been killed, if it wasn't Angela who'd been shot and was now - well, where ever she was, Nick isn't sure if he'd be doing this. The chances that Mike told any of the doctors or nurses that cared for him something important are slim at best, and the chances that whoever'd done it had come in to visit are virtually none, but Nick has to try.

He has a list of the people who'd worked on or come into contact with Mike, and so far he's talked to almost everyone on it. Nick's back again to fill in the missing pieces, and when he flashes his badge, he's informed that Ravi's working today, so he heads off in search.

But when he finds him, he hesitates in the door of the breakroom.]

...hey. Is this a bad time?

[healspec]

[his head snaps up and he stares at Nick a bit like a deer in headlights for a moment. Ravi isn't crying, but he is definitely visibly upset.]

[he vaguely recognizes Nick, but can't place a name to the face. detective, he remembers that part.]

[most people in this situation would probably go with, 'sorry, yeah, it is.' Ravi, however, is terrible at that sort of honesty and doesn't like feeling like he's letting people down. He uncurls, sitting up, feet on the floor. He turns the notepad over in his lap so Nick can't see what he was writing]

It's fine-- [it is obviously not fine] Do you need something?

[detectivetroll]

[No, it's very obviously not fine.

Even if he didn't know that Ravi was Kotetsu's friend, and part of the network, Nick wouldn't dive right in to what he'd come here for with someone obviously upset. Considering the long shot of what he's looking for, if it was a normal case Nick'd just apologize and say he could come back another time, but, well. This isn't normal.

He quirks a slight smile.]

It's hard to lie to a detective, man. Do you need something?

[healspec]

[busted. honestly he prefers it when people just accept his 'it's fine's as 'i don't want to talk about it's and pretend nothing's wrong long enough to get whatever they wanted out of the way and leave.]

[but he feels just bad enough right now that he actually does want someone to pay attention to how bad he feels. it's one of those strange, hypocritical things the brain does--wanting to be left alone while at the same time wanting to feel like someone cares.]

[he shakes his head, letting his gaze settle on the floor] It's not something anyone can do anything about.

[detectivetroll]

[Sorry, man, but Nick's in that somewhat annoying stage of 'trying to be a good guy' where if he gets any hint that the other person does want some attention, or that there's something he can do to help, he's going to stubbornly refuse to drop it.

Hopefully the 'wanting to feel like someone cares' part will win over the 'left alone' part, because Nick just moves further into the breakroom.

After a quick look around, he perches on the arm of the sofa opposite from Ravi, half sitting and half still standing as he lowers his voice a little.]

Is it network related?

[healspec]

[his head comes back up, and then turns toward Nick.]

[that's right. Nick's network, too. Ravi remembers now, the cafe with Kotetsu and that kid who was way too nosy. (the cafe that he can never return to...) ]

[he does a quick scan for anyone in earshot, then nods. slightly, dejectedly. he taps his nails against the cardboard back of the notepad briefly, anxious fidgeting]

[his voice is always a bit mumbled, he doesn't have to lower it much] I think our secrecy is killing people.

[detectivetroll]

[Nick's quiet for a moment, as he considers those words.

It's possible, especially if things continue to deteriorate, if more things like the Dead District bombing happen. Keeping the network, and what the people on it know, secret could be getting them killed. But it could also be keeping them safe, by not exposing them to dangers like the corrupt police.

Considering Ravi's current state, though, Nick is going to take a guess that the comment isn't just about keeping the network secret as a whole, and its possible consequences. It seems much more personal, and much more immediate.]

In general, or is this a more specific concern?

[healspec]

[he is looking in the general direction of Nick's face, though not quite making proper eye contact]

I can heal people, and I work a job where it would make a difference, but I can't use it here.

[detectivetroll]

[...definitely something specific, then. And it doesn't take a huge leap of logic to figure out what it might be, especially since it was the reason that Nick'd come here in the first place.]

Is this about Mike? Officer Wisniewski?

[healspec]

[leave it to the detective to guess right away.]

Shit. [a half-hearted mumble that doubles as confirmation. he lowers his head, pressing the heel of his hand against one eye.]

I was here the night he came in.

[detectivetroll]

[Nick slides down, not far, but just enough that he's sitting on the sofa itself instead of perching on its arm.]

So were a lot of other people.

[It's not an excuse, really, or a shifting of blame - just a statement of fact.]

Were you there when he died?

[healspec]

[a short, soft exhalation that is not quite a sigh.] I worked on him, I meant. [it's quiet, mumbled, like he doesn't really think it's worth pointing out but he might as well anyway]

[in answer to the question, he shakes his head.] I found out today.

[detectivetroll]

[He doesn't ask if it's the first time that someone Ravi's worked on has died, since he found out he can heal. It doesn't really matter, as far as Nick's concerned, even if he does wonder.]

If you'd tried to heal him, you could have gotten caught, could have ended up in front of Sherman. And then you wouldn't be able to help anyone, regular medical help or pulse healing. Do you think it's worth the risk?

[healspec]

[it is. well, for someone he genuinely felt he could help, at least. he knows what his magic is capable of (he's pretty sure), and he definitely felt like Wisniewski was within his capabilities to help.]

Yes. [it's small and meek, but a little defiant nonetheless.]

[he's not just being contrary for its own sake. risking himself is always worth it if he is doing it to save a life.]

[detectivetroll]

[It's the answer Nick was expecting, more or less, but just because it isn't surprising doesn't mean he respects Ravi any less for the decision. He knows something about doing things that're dangerous because you think the help it'll do is worth the risk, but, well, this is a lot less grey, and a lot more immediate help.]

Then your future patients are lucky to have you. Maybe you didn't help Wisniewski, but you'll help them.

[healspec]

[he lets out a hard breath, a little relieved, a little uncertain. he expected resistance. he still feels the need to defend himself, even if he didn't get it.]

I know how to risk wisely. [he does!! he just...gets dumber about it when lives are at stake, but he's not going to go around announcing that.]

[detectivetroll]

[Nick shakes his head.]

You don't owe me an explanation, man.

[Then he gives a slightly wry smile.]

Besides, I'd be hypocritical if I tried to fight you on it. I've, uh, been taking some risks to try to help lately, and I know how much it sucks to have people try to argue you out of it, no matter how smart you're trying to be about it.