savetheearth | [audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

[audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

[HEY LOOK, isn't that the number of that one douchebag who died a few weeks ago?? I hope you guys are ready for your daily dose of creepy audio posts, because this one starts with the sound of scratching on wood and some heavy breathing. Soon enough, though, the scratching becomes more erratic and the breathing heavier and louder--and then it's just full blown wheezing.]

Somebody...somebody get me the fuck out of here!

[Then a series of loud 'thud's as the voice becomes more frantic.]

Right now!

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Oh Christ. [he squeaks a little.] I have an obituary.

Well... you did kinda die a little, hun. [She doesn't usually use endearments, but this situation is... special.] Do you know if anyone else is having better luck than me?

There's a few people coming over right now to dig me out.

Good. Then all you need to do is stay calm.

...should I pull up one of my lectures? It always seemed to put you right to sleep in class. [She's teasing - he was a good student, and there'd only been one time. But a bit of humor might help him relax... if that was even possible, given the circumstances.]

[Not the right thing to tease about, unfortunately--Jovan is already panicked and freaking out, and his whole life he prided himself on his academic performance. he doesn't want to see it getting mocked, much less right now.]

It was only one time, and I still got an A on that quiz anyway!

Which was the only reason I let you sleep, Jovan. You remember what I do to the kids I catch napping who aren't getting A's, right?

[At least he's freaking out about something different?]

Well it's not like it matters any more anyway, I only got that high school degree for college, and now I'm dead and my college degree is useless!

...a dead person would be waaaay more chill right now. Just saying. We'll get you out. Compared to freaking resurrecting, everything else should be a walk in the park.

You sure that your past life, alternate universe whatever wasn't... y'know.

Jesus?

Not unless Jesus was a convicted murderer!

[That's not something he ever intended to admit to anyone else, but he's stressed and panicking and he can't quite keep his mouth shut, even on the things he really does want to keep secret.]

Whoa, easy there Jovan. I'm going to go ahead and assume you're not joking around about that.

...need to talk about it?

[Because, surprisingly or not, she can relate.]

...I got arrested and killed two people.

[it comes out as a barely perceptible choked squeak.]

Look, I get it, trust me. But that other person isn't you, Jovan. You can't hold yourself responsible for what they did.

I... should know, after all.

Oh, what, did you murder people too?! Did you toss around their dismembered hands for fun while you were burying them in some--makeshift grave at midnight?!

I can't say murder's on the list, no. Not as far as I remember, anyway.

Assault, grand larceny, destruction of property, and conspiring to take over the world? Oh yeah. I could recite my booking number, if you'd like. Well, one of them. I don't know how many times I've been arrested, but I was wanted in at least eleven countries.

Jesus Christ.

I'm a college student and you're a high school teacher--what the fuck?!

A high school teacher and, apparently, a supervillain in a past life.

Something I'd appreciate very much if you didn't spread around, Jovan.

Well it's not like I have a choice now that you know I'm a murderer!

My point is, we're not who our other selves were. And, since I'm not an evil supervillain, I'm not about to hold that over your head, Jovan.

Just know you've got company, if you need someone to commiserate with.

Great. Next time I'm buried alive and contemplating all my shitty past life choices, I'll be sure to remember that.

You'll get out soon. [She's been watching the other people post.] Things will look a bit better once you do.

After that, stop by my place some time. I'll make us coffee. Or Manhattans.

Both.

Ew. If we're combining coffee and liquor, let's at least use Kahlua or something.

Look, I'll be honest here: I don't really care what it is, so long as I can drink it as soon as I get out of here.

I'll start pouring. Come on over when you're ready.

Alright, don't wait up.

[He somehow manages to sound relieved and borderline crying at once.]

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[audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

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[WHOOPS NOW IT'S PRIVATE]

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