[audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

[grannyfucker]

[HEY LOOK, isn't that the number of that one douchebag who died a few weeks ago?? I hope you guys are ready for your daily dose of creepy audio posts, because this one starts with the sound of scratching on wood and some heavy breathing. Soon enough, though, the scratching becomes more erratic and the breathing heavier and louder--and then it's just full blown wheezing.]

Somebody...somebody get me the fuck out of here!

[Then a series of loud 'thud's as the voice becomes more frantic.]

Right now!

Comments

[grannyfucker]

Oh, what, did you murder people too?! Did you toss around their dismembered hands for fun while you were burying them in some--makeshift grave at midnight?!

[greenisthenewblack]

I can't say murder's on the list, no. Not as far as I remember, anyway.

Assault, grand larceny, destruction of property, and conspiring to take over the world? Oh yeah. I could recite my booking number, if you'd like. Well, one of them. I don't know how many times I've been arrested, but I was wanted in at least eleven countries.

[grannyfucker]

Jesus Christ.

I'm a college student and you're a high school teacher--what the fuck?!

[greenisthenewblack]

A high school teacher and, apparently, a supervillain in a past life.

Something I'd appreciate very much if you didn't spread around, Jovan.

[grannyfucker]

Well it's not like I have a choice now that you know I'm a murderer!

[greenisthenewblack]

My point is, we're not who our other selves were. And, since I'm not an evil supervillain, I'm not about to hold that over your head, Jovan.

Just know you've got company, if you need someone to commiserate with.

[grannyfucker]

Great. Next time I'm buried alive and contemplating all my shitty past life choices, I'll be sure to remember that.

[greenisthenewblack]

You'll get out soon. [She's been watching the other people post.] Things will look a bit better once you do.

After that, stop by my place some time. I'll make us coffee. Or Manhattans.

[grannyfucker]

Both.

[greenisthenewblack]

Ew. If we're combining coffee and liquor, let's at least use Kahlua or something.

[grannyfucker]

Look, I'll be honest here: I don't really care what it is, so long as I can drink it as soon as I get out of here.

[greenisthenewblack]

I'll start pouring. Come on over when you're ready.

[grannyfucker]

Alright, don't wait up.

[He somehow manages to sound relieved and borderline crying at once.]