Dated to June 7th

[pheromonecoffee]

[Matt Abbot sits before you today in a spinny desk chair, illuminated by his laptop screen. If you thought Matt couldn’t get dumber, you were wrong. You were very wrong. He is making good on his threats of stupidity so over the top they’re impossible to believe. Today Matt is wearing a surprisingly well made masquerade-style eye mask, black with a diagonal cut of blue over his left eye. And he is also wearing a surprising well made collared cape, black with a blue lining. He is also just wearing generally nice clothing under it because you can totally dress like a supervillain and still be stylish.

He steeples his fingers, a sly(ish) smile on his face.]

Greetings, Numbered. As I have been recently freed from the mortal prison of mandatory education, I am now free to pursue any future I wish. … Until August because I have already paid my tuition deposit.

But until August, Locke City, you are being watched. I will be your worst nightmare. I will be a supervillain the likes of which none of you have ever seen before. Such dastardly deeds as speaking in a fake New Jersey accent, directing tourists to the wrong streets and ripping tags off mattresses will happen on the streets every day for as long as I remain in its borders. I will accomplish all my good deeds by questionable means, causing me to become a terrible menace who will puzzle philosophy majors because no one can tell if I'm actually being a bad person. [He leans back in his chair, doing his best to look mysterious and dangerous.]

My first dastardly deed will be a kidnapping. Next Monday, June 16th, I will be kidnapping one of your number, heroes, and taking him with me to Las Vegas. If you wish to guarantee his safety, there is room for two others to accompany us on our cross-country trip. If you wish to ensure his safe return to New Jersey, then you may contact me and we will discuss plans.

[And with that the video turns off. However, Matt is still going, typing. He’s posting a selfie, too, of him in graduation robes. He’s got the National Honor Society gold graduation stole and everything.]

Graduation’s next weekend, too. My parents and my aunt and uncle are the reason I can take the trip--the car’s a graduation thing. Being serious for a second, though, if you want to come, the car is big enough that it won’t be an awful trip. Leaving the 16th at 8AM. If you’re under 18, I need parental permission. I’ll text you my number.

Comments

[abhero]

...the first two I get but. Fairy queen.

[pheromonecoffee]

Titania. Fairy queen. Shakespeare? Kind of weird, but she's different. Makes me feel less like a total monster?

[abhero]

Shakespeare huh? [All he knows is that Romeo and Juliet died at the end.] Other you was a classy guy, with all the references.

Harp robot doesn’t look monstrous. It looks badass.

[pheromonecoffee]

Harp robot is a robot. And Titania is a fairy queen. And Thanatos is the god of death. I don't even know what pattern we're trying for this time.

[abhero]

...names starting with a T?

[pheromonecoffee]

And Orpheus?

[abhero]

[Opens mouth. Closes mouth. Drum on the table with his fingers.]

Yeah okay I got nothing.

[pheromonecoffee]

I'm just a wild card, I guess.

[abhero]

Good quality for an evil overlord. Speaking of, as your right hand man and future dictator of Australia, do I get a place in the car?

[pheromonecoffee]

If I get a parent-slash-guardian signature, yes.

[abhero]

[He snorts.]

Good one.

[pheromonecoffee]

Not a joke, how old are you?

[abhero]

[An eyebrow raise, Matt's really good at spouting bullshit with a straight face so Emil still isn't sure he really means it.]

Are you serious? Sixteen.

[pheromonecoffee]

You're a minor and it's actual kidnapping if I don't get permission. And we're going somewhere people have died. I need permission.

[abhero]

[...ah. Dead people. He tried not to think about the dead people. Instead of arguing like he meant, he just grunts.]

Right. You mean an actual signature or like... talk to my mom or something?

[Both of these options sound equally embarrassing.]

[pheromonecoffee]

Talking to your mom might be better. I want to make sure it's totally okay.

[abhero]

[Aw there goes the plan to forge her handwriting.]

Ugh. Give me a couple days and I'll get back to you, okay?

[pheromonecoffee]

Don't be so angry. Do you want me arrested?

[abhero]

Of course not. I get it, it's just weird.

[pheromonecoffee]

You're going across the country for two weeks and I'm the only adult.

[abhero]

I said I get it, I'm not gonna get you in trouble. That's why I need a couple days, I gotta talk to mom and I have my job to think about.

[pheromonecoffee]

Good luck. I'll save you a seat.

[abhero]

Thanks. You plan to stay in that free hotel?

[pheromonecoffee]

I'm hoping to, so long as they don't tackle me when they realize I have a fake gun.

[abhero]

Don't worry, I won't let them tackle you. And I'm super strong so we'll have two demonstrations.