savetheearth | ( two ) text / video

[ Given how much FBI and police blood, sweat, and (mostly) tears went into quelling the vermini outbreak in Locke City, similarly suspicious occurrences in Las Vegas are bound to inflame a few fears, even all the way in New Jersey.

It's how this YouTube video ends up sliding across the FBI's desks this Tuesday morning, not 12 hours after it was filmed and put up. It will probably be going viral shortly. ]

Two very important public service announcements this morning. The first, for those of you in Vegas, is this video.

CW: bunny violence.

[ The following is a shaky phone cam video of a blonde man in a top hat and a glittering, sequined tuxedo. He’s mid-patter, about to set up a card trick, when he suddenly starts to sneeze. He apologizes and tries to blow his nose, except his handkerchiefs keep turning into doves and flying away. Finally, with a look of dawning realization, he sweeps off his top hat (first tipping it to the audience, demonstrating that it’s empty) and theatrically reaches into it.

“Why, it’s as I suspected! You see, I’m terrrrrribly allergic to — AAAAAAAA!”

He yanks his hand out of the hat, hurling it to the ground. Something white flies out of it and attaches itself to the man’s throat, bowling him over. There’s blood everywhere, the man is still shrieking, and at this point the video gets too shaky to see clearly, one hopes because the particular audience member doing the filming is too horrified to continue, but actually it’s because he (along with the rest of the crowd) is laughing too hard. ]

I know the cops aren't exactly our favorites around here, but if you end up running into something you don't think you can handle, call the police. Or animal control or... I dunno, somebody with a net. Personal safety first, secure your own mask before helping others with theirs, etc. etc.

Second public service announcement: be kind to our fluffy animal friends, because they have feelings, too. And also teeth.

[ THAT ONE'S FOR YOU, ALEX I-DON'T-NEED-FLUFFY-DUCKS MERCURE. ]

Oh, and our good friend Mr. Mercure is mostly fine, before you ask. Turns out everything's more dramatic in Vegas.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Oh dear.

Come on, Claire, don't laugh. You're Alex's friend, remember? He doesn't need you laughing at him. So don't do it.

Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't-]

Pfff... ff... ahahaha!

[...He tried, bro.]

[ oh yes right LAUGH IT UP ]

You're next.

Oh, now I'm scared! Don't tell me the rabbit's gonna come for me next?

Maybe. Or possibly something else. Don't come crying to me if your doves peck your eyes out!

THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!

Yes, yes, you're right, this is incredibly serious. I'll make sure to invest in some protective goggles stat!

Or maybe I should start carrying around a holy hand grenade instead?

[He is taking this so, so seriously.]

Ha ha ha. Very funny.

Look — unlike the average British comedy actor, Flopsy had a full complement of teeth. Human teeth.

Er. Wow, seriously?

[That's less funny and considerably more creepy.]

That's just disturbing... Is it still like that now?

Well, I don't know for sure. I mean, I've heard standards in dental hygiene have improved in Britain, but —

Er, hang on a second.

[ Enjoy being put on hold for three minutes. When he finally returns, Alex sounds a bit breathless: ]

That was...

That was Penn Jillette. He said.... he said he liked my trick. Somebody linked him the video and now he says he wants to see it live.

[Wow, rude, Alex, leaving him hanging like that. What could possibly be important enough to-

...oh.]

Wait. What?

[Did he hear that right just now? Because. Um. Wow.]

...For real? You're not hallucinating from blood loss or something, right?

....I told him to come to my show next week.

[ Any normal person would be upset by, you know, being attacked by a evil murderous possessed bunny, and Alex was, but not the way he is now. He moans, helplessly: ]

Oh god.

I have to create a Killer Rabbit illusion from scratch and have it perfected by then. What am I going to do, what the hell was I thinking? I can't do it — but I have to! I really will be a laughingstock if I don't, oh god oh god oh god!

[ #priorities ]

Oh my god.

[Pfft, who even cares about the horrible attack anymore? That's old news.]

Whoa there. Deep breaths, Alex. Calm down. Having a panic attack, while I'm sure it's tempting, isn't going to help. [You know. In case that wasn't totally obvious.] But if you're really in over your head there, I can help you out!

[ He’s about to protest I’M NOT PANICKING!!!! Except he is starting to feel dizzy from hyperventilation. Besides, the next thing Claire says renders him speechless. ]

You —

Why… why would you do that? Why would you do that for me?

What, do I need a reason to want to help? 'Cause I don't see why I wouldn't. It's not like I mind.

But we're....

[ Competitors? Rivals? ]

What's in it for you?

Voice

cestlavino - 2014-05-26 20:13 (UTC) - Expand

squicksilver - 2014-05-30 06:28 (UTC) - Expand

cestlavino - 2014-06-01 22:16 (UTC) - Expand

Sir, please.

This is a very very very very serious matter.

[ In this corner: not actually even trying, so four for you. ]

Oh, I can tell. Trust me, I'm treating this with all the seriousness it deserves!

[Which is to say... none.]

Thank you, it's much apprecia—

Wait.

[ Is Claire's conversation with Alex suspiciously like... banter??? ]

Do you know this guy?

As a matter of fact, I do! We happen to be colleagues.

[ He was about to offer his condolences, but- ]

Colleagues... magician colleagues...?

That's a thing?

What, did you think he was the only magician in all of Vegas or something? Ah... Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he gave you that idea.

We don't work together directly or anything, but we see each other around.

Ohhh... then doesn't that make you competition? Is this one of those friendly-rivalry, I'm-the-only-one-allowed-to-defeat-you things?

You should tell me how to spell your name so I can search YouTube for people's illegal camrips of your shows. Then I can place bets on who the victor will be.

[ Especially after spending an hour YouTube trapped by Alex's skits WHOOPS ]

Well... I guess some people'd see it like that. I don't see Alex as a rival, though. Doesn't really have to be a competition, does it?

But if you wanna look, go right ahead. So just try... Ah, hold on, lemme just write it. [And so he does, briefly switching to text to type out Nero D'Avola. The videos of his acts found online are very... flashy. He definitely focuses more on impressing the audience rather than making them laugh.] I use that as my stage name. Seemed better than using my real one.

That's very diplomatic. I like your style, Mr. [ a pause, while he squints at his phone ] D'Avola.

[ He returns his attention to his laptop (bless this future they live in that has phones, tablets, and laptops all in one room) and presumably pulls up a video, because after another pause, there's a low whistle. He certainly looks genuinely impressed. ]

Woooow! Almost makes me wanna take a trip to Vegas.

[Yes, good, feed his ego. Because it's not like it's big enough already or anything.]

Hah, now that's the kind of reaction I love hearing. Glad to know I'm doing something right out there.

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