savetheearth | Thirteenth Message [Video

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Thirteenth Message [Video | Sheet of Paper]

[This is Anthony appearing on the feed.

And this is Anthony looking worse than he's ever looked for anyone who last saw him before this evening. His skin's gone from gray to very dead off-white; his face is riddled with bloody holes, teeth exposed by a missing portion of lip and the corners of his mouth eaten away to something like a ragged, sloppy Glasgow grin; eyes are sunken and bruised brown, thickly-glazed over, and wide.

He's leaning slumped against the wall. His voice is still perfectly recognizable - and for its hush and its hoarseness is hysterical.]

-- I'm sorry... [Painfully, cringingly suppressed.] -- I'm sorry... it's - come off, my - arm's come off, my right arm -- [His right arm is in fact visible in the frame, and not only does it appear to be attached, it's working he's moving as if he doesn't expect he has a right arm and yet it isn't unresponsive. He's not only leaning his right shoulder against a wall, he'sbracing the arm against it.] -- I didn't think it - was actually - going - to come off -- I -- I don't know what -- I -- ...I need --

[Low, wavering voiced groan.] -- Someone -- please, someone help -- ...! Help -- help -- ...

[Breaks off suddenly - with another groan.

Thicker. Partly heaved through the nose - still pained, with a component of exasperation, or offense, or confusion. Not panicked. Something with more outright force or fight. Drops his forehead into - both hands, brought up to meet it.]

This isn't -- really happening -- ...!

[Drags off - again into a profoundly... mortified groan. It lasts between one and two seconds and thins to hoarse, shallow breaths to a stability. That too quiets down further - and Anthony cuts the connection. Takes enough care to keep it off him as he does so. Any replies he makes will come at least half an hour later.]

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You don't have to apologize, Anthony.

[ a brief pause, then, ] Is John there?

-- Not now -- but -- ...Please, Alex - I'm - I'm fine - ...

[And as far as he's concerned he means it in full - he'd panicked because he'd thought he'd lost an arm, he hadn't, in fact, lost an arm and is no longer in what state of mind made him think he had; he really is fine, he hadn't even needed what he'd thought he had...]

[ he drags his hand over his face, then exhales. ]

Anthony. You hallucinated the loss of a limb. You may feel fine now, but that doesn't mean you are fine.

[ he is very sorry to be verbally strong-arming him like this, but this isn't just a matter of avoiding an uncomfortable topic -- this is dangerous. ]

[He would reassert that this isn't a first time occurrence. He realizes that if anything that would serve Alex's point - and he does concede it.

He's going to concede that, that is, but not that it'd be worth coming in.] -- That isn't going to change - anything -- ...I don't know what you could do - about - the hallucination -- I don't even know - why - ...I had it -- please, Alex, you don't -- you really - don't - have to come.

You're right; I don't know what I could do, if I could do anything at all. But Anthony, you need to stop trying to shut people out.

[ HYPOCRIIIIIIIITE ]

What if you act on these hallucinations and bring- bring on yourself attention from people who aren't us?

[That isn't a thought he's considered since this evening's told him that the instance in August wasn't unique, and yet when it registers he has a thought to say that that'll be just it, he'll bring it on himself, and receives and agrees with every reason that'd be a completely horrible thing to say in a big, blunt slam...

He nearly apologizes again, too - but anticipates how that'd go over.]

-- I can't - let - ...everyone else have to keep looking after me -- not - any more -- than you're already -- doing.-- Alex... -- It - it has to have been enough already... -- before now.

[He isn't only referring to the hallucinations as part of what "now" means.]

[ eyes closing, he knocks the back of his head against the seat.

it's with more patience when he speaks. ]

It's frustrating, isn't it? You're frustrated -- with having to hide, not just from bullshit aliens, but everyone.

Is that right?

[He pauses.

The bit of difference sets in. Likewise, he begins untightening any extent of defensiveness beyond cautiousness that'd entered his voice - a bit more docile.]

-- It is -- I... - I am.

[He's sorry again; this sounds like a change in approach. He was being difficult enough to get one, and ineffectual enough that the matter's not being tabled let alone dropped.

He has a "but" in mind for that, too, but he feels he's temporarily lost privilege to say anything more for himself than what he's asked to - until and unless that wears off, Alex has the lead, and he will follow it.]

Talk to me. Let it all out.

[Pauses again.

Moment of silence. Another one of a nebulously uncertain, dry breath.]

Do you -- actually - want me to... - ? [Tone dropped and flattened again - weary-sounding, still refraining from trying to summon back anything that sounds guarded.]

Yeah, I do.

Unless you really don't, but I think it'd help.

[A cowed:] -- Okay...

[A steady, scraping inhalation, released equally steadily and rough.]

Uhmm.

...I --

-- I'm really - afraid - to be -- alone - Alex. [His voice is shaking - it's not in an emotional way, in fact, as much as active effort - speaking at a pitch and tone of earnestness and lucidity. Making this count.] ... -- Still -- thinking my -- ...only other choice is to -- ...be unwanted is - worse.

[Alex had said to "let it all out" - he still does not want to overspeak.]

[ he waits a bit, to see if Anthony means to continue. Then, he releases a puff of breath -- not the exasperated kind, but the kind you might exhale in response to a heavy subject. ]

That's... Yeah, that's definitely scary.

[ and handing the mic back to Anthony, so to speak. ]

[It takes Anthony awhile to realize it's his so-to-speak cue to proceed.]

... -- Uhm.

[Alex has told him to talk - he'll try to assume that he's to stop when he's prompted to, as well.]

... -- I -- already -- know -- I - wouldn't - be - abandoned -- but - I... [A bit of quaking within the last five words has gotten to be in some emotional fervency - he tries tightening some of it back out - it still comes through on emphasis.] ... -- know that's... - because - we're not - evil.

[Dramatic way to put it, he's well aware, but that's how wrong it'd be to simply strand anyone in their position; surely they're meant to hold faith in each other, in a collective position like theirs.]

-- Not because anyone has any reason to believe it's worth it. ... -- I'm just testing people's patience - the -- ...more I change...

[He'd mention his and John's apparent current plans to move, as an example. He refrains - doesn't want it to be taken as the reason he's saying what he's saying.]

[ his lips part in a silent 'ahhhhhh.'

so anthony feared obligation was the only reason why anyone helped him? an obligation of loyalty to their mutual plight, but an obligation nonetheless.

again, he waits, speaking after a lapse in silence, this one a little longer than the previous. ]

Why do you think no one believes it's worth it? Helping you.

... -- Because I'm not - helping -- anyone else.

[He'd add that he wants to. He'll leave it implicit - keep any self-importance that it'd be said out loud with out of this.]

Ah... [ two problems, then-- fear of rejection and frustration with idleness? ]

A lot of people help others without return. That's, um, [ not quite a laugh, not quite a sigh ] kinda what EMS does? And I'm not sure you're not helping us, either.

You're keeping John company, for one. So he's not alone. You reply to a lot of the questions from new folk, too, don't you?

[To the first part, his most instantaneous thought is that it can't be quite the same. "It isn't the same" is a laughably immature thing to say without being able to immediately follow with the reasons why, he knows.]

That can't be enough -- though -- I don't - know anything no one else - does -- I can't - say... anything... that no one else would if I - didn't - first.

-- And I don't know if I'm -- worth -- the trouble for John - either - even if - even if my company's worth - anything... [Right there a little tremor is from an emotional charge - ] He -- ... [No, this does seem like an appropriate spot to reference it.] -- decided that - we should move -- after last time I -- turned -- We're -- finding somewhere else in the city next month -- It's -- ...

[He isn't sure what to say it is - he'd tried to begin a new sentence so it wouldn't sound as if the plans to relocate are at the core of all of this; they're only a proof and aggravator of what's been there awhile.]

[ john did?

alex doesn't reply right away, rolling that new tidbit of information around in his head like a pig on a spit. why would anthony's changes prompt a change in scenery? he could understand isolation, maybe -- but that would go for anyone with unforgiving physical pulses.

his tone now is thoughtful. ]

Have you asked him?

[ realizing the vagueness of his question, he adds, ] John. Have you asked him if you're, as you say, 'worth the trouble'? And has he done anything to make you think otherwise?

-- He hasn't - ...and I -- haven't. - No -- ...

[He knows it isn't a very telling or contributive response. He has his reasons to fret the fact of both those answers in mind - isn't sure whether they need or should be said.]

[ no lie, even alex thinks asking if someone thinks you're 'worth the trouble' is kind of awkward. there are less awkward ways to go about asking, though. ]

What's feeding that concern?

[He stopped himself with a dragged-put wheeze short of another "I don't help anyone" - he'd paused enough beforehand and is being forced to gather his thoughts enough to catch that'd be coming back in a circle - and besides, it is a tad bigger than that.

He thinks - lets fumble out a stilted:] Every -- ...everything.

... -- Uhm.

[The "Uhm" was a sort of picking-up with nothing. That was an answer judgeable as a laughable, pitifully teenage one, probably - it was continuing, preparation to elaborate, at a loss on precisely how to ready doing so.]

... [ gently: ] It's all right, Anthony. Just say what comes to mind. You don't have to worry about... sounding put together or anything like that.

[He begs to differ, as the apparent trigger for this conversation was him temporarily losing his mind, but - ] That's part of it -- though, it -- [Fumbling a bit lower now at a murmuring pitch and cadence.] -- it doesn't matter if I sound put together, people - can't be convinced I - have everything I -- need. -- I really am fine -- as much - as I can be.

-- And people -- don't even - like -- seeing this -- but - still I'm -- here -- only because - people're allowing it. -- And I don't - [Breaks off short of another too-vulnerable statement to the effect of "I don't want to be alone" - some strain in the catch and re-forming.] - to tell them not to, but I haven't -- ...given them any reason - to - want - to... -- Except for its own - sake...

[ by 'put together', alex had meant organized sentences. in other words, he meant to encourage a stream of conscious-type discussion without worry of sounding disjointed or lost.

which anthony seems to be doing, so he doesn't bother to clarify that.

that word choice, though. ]

Anthony, we're not 'allowing' you to- to stay any more than we're 'allowing' each other to stay. I mean, we don't really have a choice, for one-- it's possible for someone to be shunned, yeah, but you-- [ shaking his head, inhaling, exhaling. ] You haven't done anything worth being shunned for-- or left alone-- hated, feared, any of that-- You didn't do anything. Your situation is entirely the product of your pulses that you have no control over.

Not everyone is going to be comfortable with those pulses and that's okay. Not everyone gets along, period. But you have people here that genuinely, I think, care about you, and that's why you've been offered help-- because you're not just what your pulses have made you-- you're still you. People know you or see you-- actually see you, past the changes-- and they want to help you.

Edited 2013-10-28 06:21 (UTC)

Thirteenth Message [Video | Sheet of Paper]

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