savetheearth | 01. handwritten

[ The handwriting that appears on the network is thick, blocky and impeccably neat; almost typeface-like in its uniformity ]

All right, I'll be honest. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've been reading this... network over the last couple days, but everything I've seen here sounds absolutely insane.

[ Several dots appear as Walter taps his mechanical pencil against the paper, struggling to articulate his feelings. How are you supposed to react to this kind of thing?? He starts again, erases, tries again, erases again... this cycle continues for another minute or so, until -- ]

If anyone can give me a quick rundown of what this all means that would be ideal. Additionally, if anyone wants a sword one kind of

appeared in my room

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. If my parents find it they're going to have a lot of questions that I can't even begin to answer, so I think it's best if someone takes it off my hands. For now, at least.

[ A few more pencil dots, and then he feels obligated to finish this message with a small -- ]

Thank you.

-WP

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What's so bold about it? I don't really need a sword right now, but someone else might. And why are you using so many 8s? Is that supposed to mean something?

Akdjhd8fdhf88fsddj ~~F8CK~~ FUCK.
Ok! Trying again. Sans 8s! Except that one, which didn't count.
You see, Dubbles (can I call you Dubbles?), in these parts we have this thing called "innuendo." Do you know what that is? If not, look it up!
Then apply your newfound knowledge to the whole idea of you whoring out your "sword" (lol) and 8AM.
Everything will become clear! You are welcome. 8)

[ ...oh

[ OH... ]

Okay that is just immature and irrelevant to his whole alien invasion/alternate self thing.

And no, you can't call me Dubbles. W works for now. Who are you?

GUH. Ok, just FYI innuendo is never EVER irrelevant. Ever!
I MAKE it be relevant. You name a situ8tion and I just........ stick it in there. Lol. ;D
And jsyk "W" is boring and lame. But we'll find a nickname for you yet! Don't sweat it.
Maybe P-Dubs? I like P-dubs.
I'm Tavia! Super gr8 to meet you, P-Dubs.
(Is that growing on you yet????????)

You couldn't resist that one, could you.

Look, if W is too bland for you, just use Walter. P-Dubs is off the table.

Lol, WALTER?
Ok, I thought *I* got the shitty end of the name stick. Wow! Wow.
I 8n't calling you Walter, that's 8asically A8USE. You get Walt. No w8! Wally. You're definitely a Wally. ;)

NAMES THAT ARE ACCEPTABLE:

Walter

NAMES THAT ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE:

Wally
Walty
Wallz
Dubbles
P-Dubs
P-Diddly
Dubya
Basically anything other than Walter or Walt if you must

Understand?

[ This is a stupid argument but it's keeping him distracted from the "you are here to fight aliens and you used to sword things" revelation, so it's kind of appreciated in a weird way. ]

No, see, ok, you're new. You don't know shit yet. Let me help you.
There is a 8asic fact of life for this networky stuff! That being that I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT ALWAYS NO EXCEPTIONS.
And there 8n't nobody who can tell me what to do! 8)
But I am open to compromise, bro. Let me cut you a deal here. A friendly friend deal, to celebr8 the fact that we are going to be gr8 friends!
You can pick whether you get to be Wally or WALDO.
Don't say I never give you nothing! Lol.

Wally works.

I knew you would see sense! You seem like a sensi8le kind of guy.
Sensible and embarrassingly str8-laced and devoid of anything even resembling a grasp on innuendo!
But don't sweat it, Wally, we will fix that last thing just like we fixed your name. I promise! It's going to be gr8. 8D

Since a firm grasp on innuendo isn't really necessary in fighting off an alien threat, I think I'll be passing on whatever lessons you're offering.

I don't know, I've heard wonders about what a firm grasp on things can do for a guy.

>8)
> 8)
>8)
> 8)

Okay, we're done here.

[ The notebook is getting slammed shut. Good job, Tavia, you've scandalized the new guy. ]

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