001 » [ text; iPhone ]

[shambles]

What is this? Some sort of weird dating site? Because I'm not interested in dating sexy singles in my area. I've gotten at least 10 of your e-mails within the past two weeks and I've deleted them all. Sorry. I get enough spam as is. Take me off your mailing list. I don't even know how you got my e-mail address to begin with.

I mean, I already tried eHarmony. It was terrible.

Anyway, how do I get this off my phone?

Comments

text;

[enrages]

oh my god
oh my god
this is NOT a dating site
i repeat
this is NOT A FUCKING DATING SITE.
don't even say that, ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
UGGHHHH.

text;

[shambles]

You never know. Dating sites will do weird shit. I mean, I keep getting e-mails from Jdate and I'm Catholic.

Well, what is it then?

text;

[enrages]

jews and catholics can date, wow.
way to be religionist.

as for this shit, it's a bullshit numbers club.
we are not a bullshit dating numbers club.
just a numbers club.
a secret numbers club.
secret nondating numbers club.

text;

[shambles]

It is a website for Jews to specifically find other Jews. Catholic certainly isn't what they're looking for there.

Did it sound like I was interested in dating? No? I was specifically disinterested? Yeah, that's what I thought.

"Secret numbers club" doesn't tell m--Hang on. Someone sent a guide. No point having it explained it twice.

text;

[enrages]

oh thank god.
so basically brief summation: you might possibly get attacked by furious deer or other woodland animals.
nothing is safe.
enjoy your new found useless powers.

[Voice]

[scramasax]

[Thus, on comes the high, harmless voice of a fifteen-year-old boy - is that really what this looks like?]

It isn't. -- You can get rid of it if you just delete the number you entered. ...But you -- ...That'll... be too soon. There's a - guide, on this, that one of us made -- but I can't... show it to you, from my phone.

[text]

[shambles]

[Not particularly, but he doesn't want to think about the alternatives. Dungeons & Dragons-esque shit. Government conspiracy. Some promotional thing. Government conspiracy..

And it's kind of neat how this thing can support voice functions too but now he probably looks like a big old creep asking about a dating site when there are evidently kids on here. Damn.]

So I've gathered... If you can't, is there some way I could access this guide myself?

[scramasax]

[Ohh, ones markedly younger than this one, at that, but that's an aside.]

Yes -- though you may have to - look - a bit. ...You can look back through the messages sent the past few days. -- A lot of other people only first connected recently. There should be - links... to the guide -- that were given to them.

[As linked to here, for example!

Just go on and search, he's saying, and he isn't thrilled by it, but it's a poor, convoluted case to explain on one's own word.]

[shambles]

I see. Someone sent the guide already, but that's useful nonetheless.

It doesn't really explain what this network is though.

[scramasax]

We don't know. [Earnest with apology.] ...We've been - speculating. We're not sure of much more -- than what's... in the guide.

Everything does seem - purposeful... though. -- But we don't know why - things are happening the way that they are.

I'm sorry -- ...I can't explain this well.

text {iphone}

[ursoreckless]

sorry, it's not a dating service and i have no idea who would need a dating service since dates are a bit easy to pick up anyways.

but in case no one has done it yet, welcome to the secret numbers club. no, it's not something that you can pick up anywhere it's the kind of club that comes to you because of a number, a feeling, a memory, something that is not quite right with the rest of the world.

you also don't need an internet access for this. or anything really. write the numbers on a wall and see what i mean but in the meantime, have the guide: [[FAQs]].

text {iphone + handwritten}

[shambles]

I don't know. Christians who feel the need mingle and evidently can't in person? I just know I get enough spam e-mail regarding it for it to seem like an entirely valid possibility.

If you don't need the Internet then how? I mean, that doesn't

[now excuse him while he goes and grabs a scrap paper or someone's receipt or something. The handwriting is fairly neat, considering how quickly it's being scribbled down.]

Does this really work? Seriously?

Well, if you can see this, I should thank you for sending the guide. Someone mentioned it earlier, but was unable to send it themselves.

text {iphone}

[ursoreckless]

i can see it. you should try video, it's pretty weird.

people sell themselves short when it comes to dating.

you're welcome for the guide. it helps, barely.

text {handwritten]

[shambles]

How do you... do video on a piece of paper?

I suppose.

Frankly, it doesn't answer much of anything and all sounds like a load of shit. But considering I am communicating with someone on the back of a receipt...

text {iphone}

[ursoreckless]

just title it with video, i guess.

sounds like it but it isn't. there are weird things out there and for some reason we're the only humans that can see them.

[drama8om8]

[ DATING SITE, YOU SAY.

Cue an irritating AIM-esque window popping up with a BLOOP, covered in sparkly gifs and adorned with the world's most obnoxious-looking teenage selfie.

ICON RELEVANT. ]

~xXxAwesomeGurlxXx~ [aG] wants 2 chat!

asl???????? <3

[ she's the master troll. It's her. ]

[shambles]

[Oh sweet jesus. HOW IS THIS SHOWING UP ON HIS PHONE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

But man, this takes him back probably a good 10 years or so.]

no [NO] has decided to chat!

What. how old are you? 12???

[drama8om8]

 

 

What kind of dating sites do YOU go on that allow 12 year olds, dude.
That is some shady-ass shit! I would call the cops on you RIGHT NOW if they weren't probably in on the whole conspiracy-to-kill-us-all deal we have going on here. Wow.

[shambles]

[Wow he totally set himself up for that didn't he.]

None way to make assumptions there kid. Good job.
1. I know this isn't a dating site because literally every other person who responded to this has told me so. Especially the first person. They were pretty adamant on the not dating aspect of it.
2. Only freaks who end up on Dateline respond to kids asking with asl. Chris Hansen won't ever ask me to take a seat tyvm.
3. Shouldn't you be outside playing instead of talking to people on the not-Internet? This is why childhood obesity is a problem.
4. Because this is immediately more relevant than how kids like you are slowly destroying this country, just how untrustworthy are the police? Like on a scale of 1 - 10, how likely are they to immediately kill us both if you called?

[drama8om8]

[ Any sane person would recognise that there are more pressing issues in that response than the matter of whether Octavia is obese or not.

Octavia is not a sane person. HAVE A SUDDEN SWITCH TO VIDEO
I HOPE YOU LIKE TEENAGE GIRLS PULLING AT THEIR T-SHIRTS TO DEMONSTRATE THE RIDICULOUS SCRAWNINESS OF THEIR WAISTS DUDE ]

I am not a kid or obese, wow! I am sixteen and I am fucking svelte as all hell. You owe me an apology! All the apologies!

[ text ] ((omg funniest intro ever x))

[fatherssins]

This isn't a dating website, despite the number hook-ups that happen.

[ text ] (haha thanks.)

[shambles]

I've been told as much already. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a conspiracy network.... thing is used for hookups, though.

[fatherssins]

I was, at first.

[shambles]

I remember when I was part of the chess club in high school, we had a couple members use that as an excuse to hook up.

And it was chess club.

Chess. Club.

[fatherssins]

Honestly? I'm surprised, although perhaps I shouldn't be!

I'm sure there's some sort of chess / sex pun in there.