Mission - Pancakes / Backdated to the morning of April 3rd

[oncedevil]

Who: Tony and anyone awake at Willow Ridge after the Kidnapping Incident
What: Demon be hungry, so that means pancakes for all.
Where: Willow Ridge kitchen
When: Morning of April 3rd, after Nathan's rescue
Warnings: Possibly some recollections of violence, but otherwise only pancakes. Maybe eggs. We'll see.

Dressed in jeans and a light T-shit, one could almost forget just the night before he'd been barely able to walk under his own power and bleeding all over himself. Quite the change, though watching closely it was still evident Tony was a little tender and sore. Moving stiff and careful while he cooked.

As it turned out, healing was hungry business. Fortunately Willow Ridge was equipped with a well enough stocked kitchen, and Tony with a little skill instilled by Hajime. Despite his best efforts, he still couldn't really use chopsticks with any kind of efficiency. Fortunately pancakes only required a spatula.

Stacks of them, in fact. The first attempts, under-cooked or over had already been eaten, but now he was on a roll. Why not ask him why he's cooked so much, or join in to help devour the abundance? Surely, he figured, the others would wake soon and they'd be hungry as well. Though likely Tony was far over-estimating their hunger by comparing it to his own.

Comments

[dead_black_eyes]

It's a wonderful gesture, and a productive one following the violence of the night before. Though it was necessary, Tony could be vicious and terrifying now, and there was a very large difference ability-wise between the hungry urchin L had met a year ago and the lethal demon that was flipping pancakes the morning after rescuing L's protege. But though he'd saved Nathan, he'd also ended a sentient creature's life, and while L realized there was no escaping that route after a certain point, it's still emotionally complicated.

He returns the smile as well as he can, and the exhaustion in it goes beyond just being sleepy. Though he's volunteering to eat, though, the process grinds to a soggy and syrup-logged halt, and it seems to get Tony's attention fairly quickly when he looks like he might actually get sick.

"Don't..." he croaks the word, removing his hand from his mouth and taking a deep breath until the sour feeling passes. "No, this will be fine, I'm just not as hungry as I thought I was."

And a lot sadder.

[oncedevil]

That was something that still bothered him. He'd worried and fretted over it on countless nights. 'What if I don't like who I'm becoming?' he'd ask himself, over and over again. Desperately he'd try to convince himself that it was fine, he didn't have to be the other person. He'd told others the same, they're still their own regardless of what happened. But what if that wasn't true, what if it wasn't something they could escape? And now the question had changed, and that frightened him even more 'What if I do?'

He was capable now, last night proved it. No longer a terrified and selfish child just trying to survive with no idea where to turn or how to act. He knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was to protect the little family he'd built out of Numbered. Every one of them, and sometimes that meant getting your hands dirty. Never before had he willfully sought to harm someone, but he knew one day that would change, that was why he'd asked L in the first place. He thought he was doing the right thing.

Was he wrong?

He forces a smile, the reasons behind L's reaction easy enough to guess at. He hadn't been drinking, Tony would be able to smell it. No, he's sick over something else entirely. Doubt crushed in on him, he'd been trying to avoid thinking about it but there was this little nagging voice 'what if the doppelganger was right about me?' What if he is a danger, a monster? He's gone too far now, there's no turning back and he knows it.

Maybe he should have died there, and spared the other two?

"I didn't..." He trails off, the words are empty and useless. No point. 'I didn't want it to end that way' but it had, and there wasn't any going back. Even if ultimately it had been to spare the copy from suffering, it still might have happened for more brutal reasons. No sense denying it now.

"...I'm sorry." He finally says quietly, attention turned back to his skillet and a pancake that was getting a little too golden in his distraction.

Did L think he was a monster now, too?

[dead_black_eyes]

It's a fear they both share: turning into monsters, and aren't they both, in their own ways? Tony's becoming a terrifying and powerful demon, Lazarus is slipping into the life of a man who was, while human, cold and soulless in many discouraging ways. They're both good, aren't they, with a strong desire to do no harm and fight evil? Does that even begin to make up for the terrible things those people a lifetime ago committed? Does still being capable of doing those terrible things mean that these efforts are crippled from the start?

They're all questions L isn't sure if he's up to answering this morning. It's hard enough to pick up a fork and cut into a pancake that must be incredibly delicious, judging by the smell.

He knows what's coming a fraction of a second before Tony even begins to speak, and he's quickly shaking his head back and forth. He's between fear and denial, and though he's conflicted, his deep familial love for Tony is loud and blaring at the front of his thoughts.

"No, don't..." he says softly, raising a hand as if to physically cut off the apology at its source. "We knew what it might come down to well ahead of time. We were clear about it. Regardless of what else I might feel about this, what matters the most to me is that you and Nathan are safe and in one piece. The rest is childish weakness," he adds with a slight, broken laugh. Logic dictates that the quicker he can dismiss it, the quicker he'll be over it.

For all his faults, my Other would have had no problem with this. I'm sure of it.

[oncedevil]

All very important questions, and all without any form of solid answer. Who can say with certainty that sometimes breaking the law isn't moral, who decides what is moral? What is just and good, when you've been wronged so much is it wrong to want to protect yourself and those you love from a similar fate, even if it means being ruthless in doing so? Does being a creature inherently associated with all the evils of the world automatically invalidate any attempts at a redemption he never should have had to fight for in the first place?

Tony doesn't want to think about it. Right now, he's hungry and stressed and trying very hard to keep his head together long enough to find some peace. He can tear himself apart later, in private, where no one else has to watch him break. He's used to putting the pieces back on now, and everyone else has helped him too much as it is. Especially Lazarus.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when he's terrified that L is beginning to see him as something despicable.

He's about to protest further, but L's interruption cuts him off. His mouth snaps closed with an audible click of teeth, and he sets his jaw in an attempt to keep himself from speaking further. What else is there to say, really? He nods glumly to the reminder that they'd already spoken about it. Not that it made things any better. "Mmh," The sound is one of uncertainty, but a refusal to argue. "Did you... want to know anything? Now that I'm awake?"

Is it too soon?

[dead_black_eyes]

It's all tangled up in a bundle of knots, and anyone who wants to even try to be good has to deal with them every day. You can wear your fingers down to the bone attempting to untie those knots, or exhaust yourself mentally, but people like Tony and L keep at it, slaving at the effort it takes just to be a good person for its own sake.

What else is there to say? This is, objectively, a correct evaluation of the situation. Maybe that thought process actually sounds more like Nathan's than what L's comfortable with or prepared for, but it seems like the best possible way to approach this.

"I don't know if that's really going to help anything..." Lazarus replies softly, trying to keep his slight, fair smile in place. "I've made my peace with what I know, and anything further might upset that balance. Perhaps it's better that certain details aren't known to me."

Did his last words concern me? Would it hurt more if they did or if I wasn't mentioned at all?

[oncedevil]

They have to, lest they lose themselves to the tides rolling against them. Their past, circumstances surrounding them, their echoes. It would be so easy to let go and be washed away by it, to be angry and lash out at an unfair and cruel world. But that's not in their nature, giving up isn't in their nature.

"Alright..." It's impossible to hide the disappointment. He'd like a chance to defend himself, to explain his actions and what happened. But maybe Lazarus would judge him more, knowing the details, Tony didn't know for certain. He just didn't want L to hate him for what had to be done.

He opens his mouth as if to say something further, then just shuts it and shakes his head, going back to focusing on his cooking. Maybe he'll try out Nathan's shut down method for a while, seems nice.

[dead_black_eyes]

Getting angry and lashing out would be easy, and it's taking a lot for L to not do that today. He's been able to live with every mistake he's ever made because it was unambiguously his fault each time. He'd punched his uncle and gone to White Pines, he'd burned his trophies and spent the night in jail, he'd slit his wrists and crippled his hands, he'd done too much coke and OD'd. All actions with consequences, but in this case he'd allowed someone he thought he knew to love him and the result had been everyone important to him in danger.

He has no idea what to say. He tries to keep his smile encouraging and soft, nodding in acquiescence as Tony turns away to do some more cooking. Maybe he'll come back in a few minutes, and maybe he needs his space, but either way Lazarus will do his best to make sure he's not turning his back on any true bitterness.

[oncedevil]

There's silence for a time, only the soft clank of a spatula, the hiss of batter added to the skillet. Or shuffling around of the bowl of pancake mix, quiet cooking sounds, but no speaking.

Tony's lost in his own troubled thoughts, replaying the things that transpired the night before. Running over all of the 'what if' situations. What if he'd let Cesar kill him, would that have been better? What if he'd attacked faster, rather than trying to wait it out? Maybe if he'd hung back longer he could have talked Cesar down? He didn't know, it was impossible to know, and that's the most maddening part of it all.

But one part in particular troubles him the most, and Tony has a feeling it might be part of what troubles L as well.

"You don't wanna talk about this, I know, but just so you're aware the acid wasn't my idea. He pulled it down on himself, both of us, he just got the worst of it. I don't want you thinkin' I'd do something like that to someone, even if you can't forgive me for the rest of it."

Yes, he fully expects Lazarus will never be able to treat him the same, but he at least wants an accurate account of what happened. No assumptions.

[dead_black_eyes]

L's eyes drift closed as a ringing in his ears grows louder. He feels like he was holding onto something heavy and now he's floating away. He's next to the ceiling, head bumping against it like a balloon as Tony continues to cook. It's a jittery kind of peace, maybe not sustainable, but it'll do for now.

Tony's voice brings him abruptly back down to earth, and his hand is curling into a tight fist. He's bone-white; seeing Tony's eye burning out of his skull still haunts his nightmares and the idea of it pouring down on them, flesh sloughing off like dandruff...

His vision spots and blacks; his mouth is numb. Blood isn't getting to his brain quickly enough. He takes a deep breath.

"What I take away from this is that you would do anything to protect me and the people who mean something to me. I don't care about the details."

[oncedevil]

Tony sighs, it'll have to do, won't it? He can't expect things to remain as they were, not after something like that. He'd taken a step too far, even if it was a step they both knew had to be taken. Cesar's doppelganger wasn't going to give them a choice, it was either him or Tony, and Tony wasn't ready to lay down and die. Not after fighting as hard as he has to survive.

"I just..." Fidgeting, uncomfortable silence again. "I don't want you to think I'd do that on purpose." He knows first hand the horrors of acid, he'd never inflict that kind of thing on someone else intentionally.

"...Do you think I'm a monster?"

[dead_black_eyes]

Perhaps Tony can expect things to be normal again; L certainly wants them to be, and he's willing to work toward it, but they'll both have to be somewhat patient at the end of the day.

He shakes his head vehemently. "No, that's not... I know you wouldn't, Tony. I know you had no other choice. This is 100% me trying to reconcile what he looked like fucking me and what he must have looked like in his last moments. I don't think you're a monster, I think I'm weak."

[oncedevil]

It's really too soon to tell, but right now Tony's not willing to bet on it. Maybe later, maybe once they've all calmed down and the scars are a little more faint. But right now it's all too real and raw, and he knows that. He also knows that it's not going to be so easy for Lazarus to just walk this off. Killing comes naturally to demons, that doesn't mean he has to like it.

"Oh..." Geeze, L. Well that certainly makes it clear what's going through Lazarus' mind and that it's not considering getting rid of the loose-cannon that is his friend and brother. That's at least a small relief. "You're not weak, L. There's nothing easy about this. But thank you, for not turning on me."

[dead_black_eyes]

Yeah, it's a vivid image, and one he's not particularly glad to describe in any amount of detail, but that's the blunt truth of the matter and it seems like it might shock Tony enough to benefit him an prevent him from overthinking it too much.

"Don't be ridiculous," he says gently. "I am weak, but at the very least I like to think that I'm not so weak that I'll do something so irrational and stupid as 'turning' on someone so important to me."

[oncedevil]

He'll still over think it but not too much now, at least he's fairly certain Lazarus doesn't regard him as a monster. Not yet, anyway.

Tony can't argue with that, so just frowns uncertainly instead. He's always viewed L as strong, stronger than himself. Maybe not physically, no, but mentally he's handled so many things so much better than Tony has. At least, that's what he thinks. Not too many people could make it through the things they have. He sighs quietly. "I wouldn't blame you if you did."

[dead_black_eyes]

"Blame's poison, anyway. We don't need that in our lives. Neither of us."

He stands up, the plate held neatly in his hands with most of the food still on it.

"Thanks for breakfast. Truly."

[oncedevil]

"Ah, yeah... you're right, of course."

But he's still doubtful, and he still blames himself. There's no stopping that, not really. Eventually he'll come to terms with it, right now there's just a lot of denial and trying to sort out how he feels about having killed a man. However, he did rescue Nathan, and did so on his own. That's something to be proud of, and that is something he'll cling to.

Maybe Tony isn't so useless anymore.

"'Course. Any time." And he means it, cooking is nice even if he's not a master chef.