savetheearth | [Video]

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Saaaay, I know I've been pretty quiet lately but with all the garbage between the doppelgangers and everything I kinda needed a break, you know? Anyway, has anyone seen a sword wandering around?

Y'know, big, metal, sharp, has skulls on the handle?

[He holds up a rough sketch of this for the camera.]

Darn thing just up and left, who would've thought? And I already checked the refrigerator so don't even ask. Apparently that's where we're keeping swords these days.

[He puts on a slightly disapproving frown, but at this point it's fruitless to argue it.]

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[L's lecherous doppel tends to meet predatory with more of the same, but something about the way Tony's looking at him makes puts him momentarily off-balance. It's enough to interrupt his swagger, even if he works quickly to compensate and regain it.]

If someone's going to become a monster, there's only so much you can do to stop it, you know. You might think you're protecting someone's morals, but the impulses don't exactly go away.

The best way to deal with impulses is to just give in. It's not monstrous, it's completely natural.

[This is an entirely different kind of predatory, this is the "I am going to gut you and hang you by your entrails" predatory. Typically it is a better idea to not encourage that, fortunately the copy is smart enough to see the difference.]

I'm not surprised you'd say something like that, but the thing between what you are and a human is knowing when and how to not be ruled by it. He's not acting out of impulse, this isn't some base instinct of his he can't fight off. This is fury at what a disgusting anomaly you are, and I can't say that I blame him.

Now, shut up, and move. Or I find a closet to lock you in for a while and if you're lucky you'll get an apple.

Fine, fine...

[He practically spits the words, shuffling just ahead of Tony.]

What's gonna happen after this, anyway? If it's going to be more of that, I'm honestly kind of tempted to ask you to finish me off now. There's only so much even a disgusting anomaly can take.

[Finally. He was getting really tired of hearing the guy talk.

Move your ass unless you want to lose it, doppel.]

Depends on whether or not you learn some manners. I'd start studying if I were you.

[He seems really put-out about it, but he does move his bony ass.]

My manners are fine. What you're doing is ordering me to be someone I'm not. Your precious Lazarus would never ask you to do that, would he?

I'm ordering you to shut the hell up because I don't care to listen to your gloating. It's called basic common courtesy.

[Lazarus wouldn't need to tell him to shut up because Tony wouldn't be being outright disgusting and tactless. He at least has a basic understanding of courtesy, unlike this guy.]

You can't say anything nice, or in this case not disgusting, don't say anything at all. You don't just get to do whatever you feel like when it hurts other people because 'that's just how you are'. Bullshit.

I can say something nice. You have a fine ass for a short, stupid jerk. There you go.

[Tony blinks, expression shocked, then does this funny little backwards twist thing like he's trying to see what L's even looking at. Then huffs realizing he probably looks like a gullible idiot.

Not funny don't make fun of him like that.]

Yeah, right. You don't have to mess with me. But thanks I guess. Now, food. What d'you want?

[L's doppelganger stops in his tracks, staring at the sheer absurdity of the question.]

Bacon, of course. Lazarus doesn't keep it around.

[Tony looks thoughtful.]

Y'know I think I stuck some sausage in there, close enough?

Tell me where you stuck it. Tell me all the details.

In the fridge, where I'm half tempted to shove you.

[He lets out an exasperated noise as he charges past L, suddenly so impatient with the doppel. Seriously don't try to run you know you can't outrun him.]

You put your sausage in the fridge...

[He's like a preschooler, finding that absolutely hilarious. And then he's being rushed past, and he takes the opportunity to try to make a break for it in the opposite direction.]

Well where would you keep it..?

[Oh son of a--

Tony shimmers in place, disappearing in a red-black blur and when he reappears he's hitting the ground directly in front of the doppelganger. How did he get there so fast you ask? It's called a teleport and he's neglected to mention to anyone he can do that. Which comes in really handy when dealing with fleeing assholes.]

[Though Lazarus' answer to that question would doubtless be extremely blatantly sexual, he's for once leaping at the chance to not say something disgusting and sprinting for the door. When Tony materializes in front of him, dropping to the ground and blocking his path, he attempts to alter his pathway by taking a sharp left, attempting to run around him.]

[Good luck, Lazarus might be fast, but Tony has inhuman speed on his side, and as Lazarus moves Tony darts after him, a blur of motion almost too fast for the human eye to properly track. He will tackle you if he has to, doppelganger.]

[Sadly, he's not fast, though. He's tackled to the ground with a sound like a sob, struggling against Tony.]

Let me go! It's killing him and me and you have to see that. I'll leave. I'll not come back, I'll stay at the castle. Just let me go.

[With his weight and build, Tony doesn't have to apply a whole lot of pressure to hold the doppel down. Maybe not fast, but L is stronger than he looks. Even so, Tony's unreasonable these days, he'd hate to accidentally break him.]

If I could believe you'd actually do that I would, but something tells me this isn't gonna be enough for you to stop fucking up his life. Literally.

You're a demon, aren't you? At least something a lot like it? You have to know better than anyone about behaving according to your nature. I can't help the way I am any more than you can, any more than he can. Let me go!

[He struggles again, seeming like he feels strongly that being accidentally broken is actually preferable to having to remain Tony's captor.]

I know better than anyone about restraint, [He positively growls, digging the copy into the floor just a little bit, as if to emphasize the point.] That's the difference between you and me, and you and him. You feed it, let it rule you and think you're perfectly justified in acting like an animal.

If I did that, you'd have been dead as soon as you bolted.

[In case you failed to notice, copy, demons are predators. And prey runs.]

[The doppelganger's breath quickens, every bit the rabbit in a trap under Tony's digging grip.]

Maybe I'd rather be. You know what it does to you existentially, to be a copy like this? Nothing fills that hollowness.

So you 'fill it' by being the biggest douchebag imaginable, then gloat about it? Sounds to me like you're full of shit and just trying to get me to pity you. Sorry, I'm not buying it. Now, you gonna behave yourself or am I just gonna have to lock you in a closet so L can get some sleep?

[This thing is nothing more than a manipulative piece of shit, he knows that much, and isn't willing to consider him as even being human at this point.]

Not a closet. We don't have to take the parallels that far. Just stop hurting me!

What do they call that, poetic justice? It was your fault he ended up in there in the first place, wasn't it? [He snarls again, but instead of pressing further moves to stand, dragging the copy with him.] He sold you out, just like you sold out L.

I don't know! I don't care!

[He makes his scrawny frame dead weight, or at least does his very best to.]

Maybe we can work out some kind of deal. How does that sound?

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