savetheearth | [audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

[audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

[HEY LOOK, isn't that the number of that one douchebag who died a few weeks ago?? I hope you guys are ready for your daily dose of creepy audio posts, because this one starts with the sound of scratching on wood and some heavy breathing. Soon enough, though, the scratching becomes more erratic and the breathing heavier and louder--and then it's just full blown wheezing.]

Somebody...somebody get me the fuck out of here!

[Then a series of loud 'thud's as the voice becomes more frantic.]

Right now!

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Don't make him waste any breath!

[ Walter is mostly focusing on scanning the graves (and ignoring any criticism on his driving). There are plenty of Richards, but he can't find the full name. ]

Just keep looking.

[....was that

oh man

he thinks he heard someone. HE THINKS SOMEONE IS UP THERE. He can't make out what they're saying, but he's pretty sure someone is in the cemetery RIGHT NOW. He knows he should keep quiet and save his air, but fuck that. Fuck logic.

He starts banging his fists against the top of his coffin with all his might.]

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

[Alan doesn't even know what he's doing here. With his arms still weak and pained after their little disappearing trick at the cult meeting, he's not sure he can actually do any digging. Besides, he doesn't even like this guy.

...But his mom did, so he supposes he owes it to her to help Dick out.]

Did you hear that? D'you think that's him?

[It's a little hard to pinpoint where the very faint muffled sounds are coming from, but he can kind of make out their direction and heads that way to check the graves.]

[ Having eight eyes gives Octavia the natural advantage, so of course she's first to find the grave. That or she's just fortunate. Or especially skilled at seeking out dicks. ]

There there there! Look!

[ She kneels beside the headstone, pointing at the inscription. ]

Just like I fucking told you, his name is pretty much Dick Ballsack. And if you don't think that is the raddest shit then get out of my face!

[ GET DIGGING, WALLY. ]

[ He does get digging, and thanks to tentacle-induced super stamina he's practically a one-man graverobbing army.

STILL... ]

Guys -- or just. Octavia, at least. Please help.

[ Actual Starfish Alan Hunter-Serket gets a pass, but not her. Dick might be able to hear the sound of digging by now, if he's not too busy screaming his head off. ]

[~~Dick~~ Jovan (JOVAN, DAMMIT) hears some sort of commotion above him that gets progressively louder, as does at least one human voice. Oh my god. Oh my god this is it he's getting saved.

Logically, he knows he should breathe a sigh of relief and lean back, using up as little air as he can before they dig him out.

Fuck logic.

Jovan starts pounding even harder, now even kicking the coffin where he can, screaming some sort of mix between "GET ME OUT OF HERE ALREADY" and "THANK GOD, OH JESUS, I PROMISE I'LL GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEKEND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CHURCH BUT I SWEAR I'LL GO TO ONE THANK YOU GOD"]

[Actual Starfish Alan Hunter-Serket just leans back and lets Walter do the digging, listening to the increasing racket coming from the grave with bemusement.]

Christ, he's making a lot of noise, isn't he?

[Leaning down to yell into the ground:]

Calm down, man! Stop wasting your air, we're getting there!

[ Octavia is helping. By standing by and looking hot. It's a full-time job, Walter, please don't interrupt.

She leans over towards the grave, too. Because while they're yelling... ]

JUST EFF WHY EYE, I TOTALLY DID A LITTLE DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE. LITERALLY. IT WAS SUPER GREAT.

[ Okay, done. ]

Hurry it up, Wally! Since he is too dumb to hold his breath or whatever.

[ He gives Octavia The Look over his shoulder before going back to digging, grumbling something that doesn't sound like English. It's also doesn't sound polite. He speeds up and tosses every single shovel full of dirt in her direction. Some might hit Alan, because he isn't really focusing on aiming.

Soon, he's made it far enough for Jovan's kicking to actually have some effect. A few more shovelfulls and the coffin will be uncovered. ]

[Jovan still can't see a thing through the coffin but he can definitely hear the shuffling of dirt as it gets shifted on top of him, and it is starting to get VERY VERY LOUD.

For some reason this has a calming effect.

Jovan stops thrashing and simply lays there in the coffin, panting. Is this it? Is this really it? Is he about to finally get pulled out of this (almost literal) hell hole?]

[He snickers a little at Octavia's yelling, but shuts up when a clump of dirt hits him in the face. Sheesh, Walter, no need to be so grumpy.]

He went quiet. Do you think he died again?

He better not have. Not after we went to all this effort! I am like this close to breaking a sweat.

[ Octavia is entirely unscathed by the dirt, what with her neatly flying out of the way. It's debatable whether or not she's even noticed that Walter is peeved.

As the last of the dirt is moved, she hovers over the coffin and nudges it with her toe. ]

We should. Knock before opening, right? And also get ready to re-murder him if he is a vampire just waiting to leap out at us and drain us of our vital fluids?

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[audio] one-man wooden box dirt party!!!

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