Entry #A-10: "Abominable" [Audio]

[dead_black_eyes]

First... it's only right to offer my sincerest thanks to everyone who helped, following the attack on Espresso Yourself. We couldn't have done it without your generous assistance, and the speed we reopened with was a direct result of your efforts and sacrifice. Even if mob occurrences seem to be escalating for others, in frequency and severity... I can say, at least for now, that the coffee shop is doing well.

[A pause. This update is not the sole reason he's making this post.]

If you've... ever gotten a pulse, and it's something bad... something you lose sleep over, that goes against everything you thought you knew and understood about your other... how do you begin to repair the ensuing cognitive dissonance? Especially if your other hurt people... and you know it wasn't self-defense, and they were obscenely good at it...

I apologize for rambling. Let me attempt to streamline my questions.

Faced with new evidence concerning the person you're receiving pulses from, does it change your belief that you can be a better man or woman?

If you could talk to that person and ask them why they acted a certain way, would you embrace that chance, or be afraid of what they might say?

Comments

[Voice, the next day; private]

[dominateartimus]

[When he speaks, his tone is rather somber.]

I have experienced a 'pulse' like that, but... I don't believe that I'll be a better person from this. Even if I was given a chance to ask him, I don't think it would go well.

...What about you? Would you do the same, L?

[Voice, the next day; private]

[dead_black_eyes]

[This is already going as L had hoped it would; he had intended to phrase things vaguely enough that those meaning well could offer him genuinely good advice, and those that didn't, perhaps even the source of the leak that had outed him and trashed his shop, would assume that he was viciously dangerous now... at least, potentially.]

I'd guessed from our previous conversations that you would understand what I meant. Do you think it wouldn't go well because you're afraid of your other?

It would be grievously negligent of me not to try to understand him as well as possible. Even if it would be unpleasant, I would have to know, especially if the natural course of things means that I will suffer from the same frailties and vices that led him to his darker callings.

[voice]

[peacefulwinter]

I can't say that I've had that experience... Rikka was too nice to really hurt anyone. But that doesn't mean that I a-agree with her opinions, and there have been times I want to reach through time and just shake her until she gets her head on straight. I've wanted to ask her so many questions, help her not to make stupid mistakes...

But I still believe I can be a better person. Better than her, and better than who I was.

[voice]

[dead_black_eyes]

Thank you. I think that's actually very encouraging.

What kinds of questions would you want to ask Rikka, if you had the chance?

Voice

[icy_heavens]

Most of the stuff I remember about him is okay, really. But there was a Pulse I got a long time back that seemed kind of screwed up. I guess I don't think about that one very much.

Voice

[dead_black_eyes]

[Since they're no stranger to broaching uncomfortable topics with one another...]

Oh? What was the nature of the pulse?

[Audio/Private]

[oncedevil]

[Hm, this sounds serious.]

You doin' alright, man? Taking care of yourself?

[He will make good on that threat to shove food down your throat, L, so help him. But on to the more serious topic...]

I've been kinda worried about the same thing, myself. Talked with someone about it a while back and they told me something that helped a little. In the end, no matter what we echo back or our past selves did, we're still us. We're not becoming that other person, not completely. Can't really change your personality completely or erase who you are, you know?

So even if you remember having done terrible things, and even if you were good at it, you don't have to be that person. Not if you don't want to.

[Audio/Private]

[dead_black_eyes]

There's a lot to take care of, even now, but it's slowed down enough that I'm at least trying.

[And though he's not mushy enough to say so, it's kind of... nice that Tony bothered asking. Even if it's ironic that such a reckless person would take to mother henning someone else.]

So far, we're not becoming that person completely, but what if that's where it eventually takes us? If we can echo back possessions and abilities... skills that took hours of practice in another life... couldn't we also echo back habits, and tastes, and strongly held beliefs and personality traits?

[He worries that he already might have.]

text, private, anon but so easily trackable;

[senseandcecilbility]

I would like to believe our past selves, if they truly exist, don't matter. What is the point of being alive here and now anyway? Besides, memories devoid of context can be easily misinterpreted, wouldn't you agree?

text, private, tracked

[dead_black_eyes]

You have doubt that those people existed at all? It's an interesting theory.

text;

[drama8om8]

I used to majorly side-eye some of the stuff Vriska did.
8ut I just didn't have context for some of it! And I echoed 8ack some things that made the rest not matter so much. It is all a8out 8alance! And junk.

text;

[dead_black_eyes]

So, with the context, you're more accepting of the things your other did? Is it at all possible that you've echoed back personality traits of Vriska's that would affect how accepting you are of her life and doings?

[Video]

[scramasax]

The other... -- Anthony was - was responsible for the death of Charlemagne. [Forced neutrality in huskiness.]

He -- had-had a chance to save him but he -- just, uhm. Wasn't... fast enough.

It -- um. ...Doesn't - doesn't change anything; I just -- know I wouldn't have... Done -- any... Any better. Than -- ...him.

[Audio]

[dead_black_eyes]

Anthony...

[It's so hard. It's so hard, because every time a situation like this comes up with Anthony, L has to realize that there have been points in his life where others have viewed him this way.]

A chance is not necessarily a choice. You're not responsible... that's the opposite of being helpless, which it sounds like you were.

[Belatedly, he realizes that might sound kind of blunt and unkind. Poor Anthony.]

text;

[shortspoken]

You'll never be a good person in everyone's eyes.
The same goes for your other.
If it bothers you, find a way to atone for what he did.

text;

[dead_black_eyes]

I can't help but get the feeling that you're speaking from experience.

Have you found ways to atone for something?

audio;

[telvanni]

I thought you were a heroic detective? Surely hurting people would naturally be a part of that in the correct circumstances. Being good at it would be a point of pride, I should think.

audio;

[dead_black_eyes]

Even when circumstances require the punishment of evil men... there are things that one man simply shouldn't do to another man. Anyone who can feel pain, an ounce of empathy, who can even imagine that kind of agony, just shouldn't be compelled to inflict it on another person.

I don't think he felt anything about it, actually, and that's probably what disturbs me most.

[alilyinthemoonslight]

I hope that you're doing all right after all of that.

But... I have had things I've pulsed back that have done just that. I've lost sleep, not acted like myself... It's not because she did things that were bad [ At least as far as Lily knows. ] but that the things she experienced were so horrible that I... didn't know how to deal with it.

In the end, what I've realized is that... I can't think of her as me. I can learn from her, I can take what I know to make myself a better person... but no matter what she's done, it isn't me. That's very hard to separate sometimes, even now... but it's helped a lot.

[dead_black_eyes]

Thank you for your concern, but I'm absolutely fine.

Your empathy is also appreciated. I had thought that many would have experiences they could share, or otherwise use to relate, but I wasn't quite prepared for the sheer number of individuals who have been going through this for quite some time.

Have you ever considered that at some point you might not be able to control that attitude? It's a balanced perspective for now, but if the desires of our others will eventually become our desires... that line might not be so clear, at some point.

voice;

[brotimaeus]

Just let me know if you need anythin', yeah?

[But, of course, that's not all he's going to say.]

And.. depends on the detail in the pulse, man. Easy enough to make something look bad if it's taken out of context, right? [That's not the point, though, and he knows it.]

I reckon, even knowing that we ain't the same people we're getting these echoes from, we're still too close to it to really be able to separate ourselves entirely. I'd want to know, and you've never struck me as the kind of person to shy away from somethin' he doesn't understand.

voice;

[dead_black_eyes]

Thank you.

[He's about to ask for more Stoli, but dang it, he's got to be more careful about mixing meds and alcohol. He should be asking for better ways to handle stress.]

Others are insisting that we're not that person, and they're correct... but I appreciate the perspective that we're too close to all of this to feel that way 100% of the time. I want context, of course...

What would you ask your other, if you had a chance?

[Text]

[lightsoflife]

I've already talked to you on this matter, but my opinion is that whoever that other person is, they aren't you. Whether you did or didn't lead similar lives, your actions are your own to decide.

[Text]

[dead_black_eyes]

I am grateful you are willing to revisit it given my updated perspective.

But personality changes have happened to others, and personality influences decisions. I think that's what concerns me.

[Video]

[radiantchicken]

[Hello there, L, the coloration on this bird-lizard-man should match a very familiar tiny parrot with arms. He is thoughtfully stroking his "mustache."]

I have remembered things that were unpleasant. But I think that my other person became a Paragon Supreme in order to move away from that. I'd speak with him, certainly.

[Audio]

[dead_black_eyes]

[...whoa. That's some... change. L can only blink and stare for a moment before he's decided he's acclimated to it, and answers.]

Torin? Is that you?

[audio]

[swissarmyjesus]

[oooh, ouch. The questions hit too close to home. It takes him a while to find the words to answer.]

You can be better. That's not a question.

The hard part is finding out how to do that.

[audio]

[dead_black_eyes]

If it's hard, it means you've tried, doesn't it? What was that like?

audio;

[saviorsoul]

[ This post comes as quite a shock to Alexi, given everything that L has told him about his other. Hurting people doesn't sound like it fits at all. ]

What happened?

audio; private

[dead_black_eyes]

[A pause. He's still not sure it's a good idea to talk too openly about what he's learned about his other. But he's pretty sure he trusts Alexi; he's already trusted him to wax on about his other's positive points, and admitted that he was rather in awe of the detective.]

I echoed back a... skill, I suppose. My other was something of a...

He knew a lot about torture.

Audio; Private

[buildyourworld]

[ It's a question he has been pondering ever since he first received his Gundam and for each subsequent information he regained about the giant war machine. A giant robot that was designed for anti-ship combat, just what kind person would be willing to pilot it? He might not pay enough attention to politic and war at large but even he's not naive enough to not understand the consequence of shouldering such a heavy burden. Especially, when the burden is gradually falling onto his shoulder. He knows one day he would find out what kind of person Tieria was, and maybe by then he would regret ever knowing it but there's nothing he can do but to accept it.

But there's one thing he grasped from all his mulling. ]

He is him, you are you. You don't have to hold yourself to his standard. As long as you commit yourself to what you belief in, that's enough, isn't it? We live for the future, not the past. Trying to better yourself in the shadow of your past is a foolish thing to do. Our world is now, what good will come to us if we don't focus on it?

Audio; Private

[dead_black_eyes]

[If L knew the thoroughness of Tieria's experience, doubt and pondering of burdens, he would value his input even more. He's always respected the young man's direct intelligence, though, so the perception of value is already far from lacking on L's part.]

The thing is... up until this point, I held myself to his standards because they gave me something to aspire to. I was no one before November. I was ready to be someone else, anyone else, and getting my echoes was like getting a personal savior.

There's nothing stopping me from choosing to be different, but my choices have historically been messy travesties. Committing myself to the person I'm echoing back was keeping me from continuing that pattern, and now I'm stymied.

[Voice]

[gobybessie]

Even if we may catch one or two of our other self's personality traits, I am firm in the belief that we have every possibility of making our own way. Could see it as a second chance.

[Voice]

[dead_black_eyes]

My pulses were supposed to be my second chance, not his. I have too many sins of my own to pay for my preincarnates, as well.