savetheearth | Entry #A-10: "Abominable" [Audio]

Entry #A-10: "Abominable" [Audio]

First... it's only right to offer my sincerest thanks to everyone who helped, following the attack on Espresso Yourself. We couldn't have done it without your generous assistance, and the speed we reopened with was a direct result of your efforts and sacrifice. Even if mob occurrences seem to be escalating for others, in frequency and severity... I can say, at least for now, that the coffee shop is doing well.

[A pause. This update is not the sole reason he's making this post.]

If you've... ever gotten a pulse, and it's something bad... something you lose sleep over, that goes against everything you thought you knew and understood about your other... how do you begin to repair the ensuing cognitive dissonance? Especially if your other hurt people... and you know it wasn't self-defense, and they were obscenely good at it...

I apologize for rambling. Let me attempt to streamline my questions.

Faced with new evidence concerning the person you're receiving pulses from, does it change your belief that you can be a better man or woman?

If you could talk to that person and ask them why they acted a certain way, would you embrace that chance, or be afraid of what they might say?

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[When he speaks, his tone is rather somber.]

I have experienced a 'pulse' like that, but... I don't believe that I'll be a better person from this. Even if I was given a chance to ask him, I don't think it would go well.

...What about you? Would you do the same, L?

I can't say that I've had that experience... Rikka was too nice to really hurt anyone. But that doesn't mean that I a-agree with her opinions, and there have been times I want to reach through time and just shake her until she gets her head on straight. I've wanted to ask her so many questions, help her not to make stupid mistakes...

But I still believe I can be a better person. Better than her, and better than who I was.

[This is already going as L had hoped it would; he had intended to phrase things vaguely enough that those meaning well could offer him genuinely good advice, and those that didn't, perhaps even the source of the leak that had outed him and trashed his shop, would assume that he was viciously dangerous now... at least, potentially.]

I'd guessed from our previous conversations that you would understand what I meant. Do you think it wouldn't go well because you're afraid of your other?

It would be grievously negligent of me not to try to understand him as well as possible. Even if it would be unpleasant, I would have to know, especially if the natural course of things means that I will suffer from the same frailties and vices that led him to his darker callings.

Thank you. I think that's actually very encouraging.

What kinds of questions would you want to ask Rikka, if you had the chance?

Edited 2014-07-21 04:57 (UTC)

Why she's so devoted to her precious person, for starters. From what I can see, Rikka lived her life in... service of one person, and she never really minded it. She had ambitions of her own, she did things she wanted to do, but at the end of the day, it always came back to that same person. Mana was the sun in her sky, and I just don't understand why. Maybe there's a reason I haven't pulsed back yet, but...

Most of the stuff I remember about him is okay, really. But there was a Pulse I got a long time back that seemed kind of screwed up. I guess I don't think about that one very much.

[Hm, this sounds serious.]

You doin' alright, man? Taking care of yourself?

[He will make good on that threat to shove food down your throat, L, so help him. But on to the more serious topic...]

I've been kinda worried about the same thing, myself. Talked with someone about it a while back and they told me something that helped a little. In the end, no matter what we echo back or our past selves did, we're still us. We're not becoming that other person, not completely. Can't really change your personality completely or erase who you are, you know?

So even if you remember having done terrible things, and even if you were good at it, you don't have to be that person. Not if you don't want to.

I would like to believe our past selves, if they truly exist, don't matter. What is the point of being alive here and now anyway? Besides, memories devoid of context can be easily misinterpreted, wouldn't you agree?

Edited 2014-07-21 14:27 (UTC)

I used to majorly side-eye some of the stuff Vriska did.
8ut I just didn't have context for some of it! And I echoed 8ack some things that made the rest not matter so much. It is all a8out 8alance! And junk.

The other... -- Anthony was - was responsible for the death of Charlemagne. [Forced neutrality in huskiness.]

He -- had-had a chance to save him but he -- just, uhm. Wasn't... fast enough.

It -- um. ...Doesn't - doesn't change anything; I just -- know I wouldn't have... Done -- any... Any better. Than -- ...him.

You'll never be a good person in everyone's eyes.
The same goes for your other.
If it bothers you, find a way to atone for what he did.

I thought you were a heroic detective? Surely hurting people would naturally be a part of that in the correct circumstances. Being good at it would be a point of pride, I should think.

I hope that you're doing all right after all of that.

But... I have had things I've pulsed back that have done just that. I've lost sleep, not acted like myself... It's not because she did things that were bad [ At least as far as Lily knows. ] but that the things she experienced were so horrible that I... didn't know how to deal with it.

In the end, what I've realized is that... I can't think of her as me. I can learn from her, I can take what I know to make myself a better person... but no matter what she's done, it isn't me. That's very hard to separate sometimes, even now... but it's helped a lot.

Thank you for your concern, but I'm absolutely fine.

Your empathy is also appreciated. I had thought that many would have experiences they could share, or otherwise use to relate, but I wasn't quite prepared for the sheer number of individuals who have been going through this for quite some time.

Have you ever considered that at some point you might not be able to control that attitude? It's a balanced perspective for now, but if the desires of our others will eventually become our desires... that line might not be so clear, at some point.

I have to believe my own will is what'll matter most, in the end. Anything else is far too dire, far too depressing, to be honest. I am Lily, I am not Yuri. I have my own life, my own important people and things that she didn't have. I can't let myself be defined by that possibility.

So... do you think that those who do aspire to become their others are going about it the wrong way? If being a good person means changing to the point where you're beyond recognition, isn't it difficult to argue against such a scenario?

Even when circumstances require the punishment of evil men... there are things that one man simply shouldn't do to another man. Anyone who can feel pain, an ounce of empathy, who can even imagine that kind of agony, just shouldn't be compelled to inflict it on another person.

I don't think he felt anything about it, actually, and that's probably what disturbs me most.

Edited 2014-07-21 20:59 (UTC)

[ Well, that's a good question. ]

...no, I think that everyone's needs are different. I don't want to be led along by what I've seen, and I don't want to be Yuri because I have seen what path her life led her down. I like who I am, I still want to be the person I've sought to be my whole life. I would rather let the people in my life and my own choices guide me that her, exclusively.

But... that's me. What works for me doesn't necessarily work for everyone else, or anyone else. There's so many different sorts of people, receiving so many different types of memories, those possibilities are so endless, that... there's really no one "right" answer to that.

Not exactly. [There's a moment of silence as he exhales, shifting slightly on the chair he was sitting on. A distant meow is heard in the background.] I mean... there would be a little fear when dealing with him, but at the same time, I don't know what to expect. He would certainly be more skilled if we were to get in to a fight.

At least you'd probably have a lot more luck if that was the case.

Just let me know if you need anythin', yeah?

[But, of course, that's not all he's going to say.]

And.. depends on the detail in the pulse, man. Easy enough to make something look bad if it's taken out of context, right? [That's not the point, though, and he knows it.]

I reckon, even knowing that we ain't the same people we're getting these echoes from, we're still too close to it to really be able to separate ourselves entirely. I'd want to know, and you've never struck me as the kind of person to shy away from somethin' he doesn't understand.

I've already talked to you on this matter, but my opinion is that whoever that other person is, they aren't you. Whether you did or didn't lead similar lives, your actions are your own to decide.

[Hello there, L, the coloration on this bird-lizard-man should match a very familiar tiny parrot with arms. He is thoughtfully stroking his "mustache."]

I have remembered things that were unpleasant. But I think that my other person became a Paragon Supreme in order to move away from that. I'd speak with him, certainly.

[...whoa. That's some... change. L can only blink and stare for a moment before he's decided he's acclimated to it, and answers.]

Torin? Is that you?

Yes, it is!

[The birdman sounds a little embarrassed.]

I appear to have had quite the pulse. It was fortunately-timed; the mafia decided they'd attempt to attack a tiny parrot.

I'm sorry that happened to you... and glad that you had such a fortunately timed pulse.

There's really nothing they wouldn't stoop to, seemingly.

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Entry #A-10: "Abominable" [Audio]

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