savetheearth | [text/image] backdated to a week and a half ago, what do you mean i'm late

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[text/image] backdated to a week and a half ago, what do you mean i'm late

Now, I know all of us here are freaks, but I at least hope all of you are celebrating the greatest holiday of them all: FOURTH OF JULY, INDEPENDENCE DAY.

Let us take this moment to remember our roots. On this day, four score and a fucking lot of years ago, our four fathers (hence fourth of July!) decided to toss up both middle fingers at our fat asshole British oppressors by taking all their shitty tea and THROWING IT IN THE HARBOR.

WE THREW THE REST OF THE TEA TOO

George Washington also kicked ass while riding a bear into battle against the British on the Delaware, because he was just that badass.

And now, every year we celebrate the fact that this country was built on enough testosterone, you could (and we DID) make solid bricks out of it to build our White House.

With our brainwashing battle cry heard all throughout every school in the country: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the spirit of ignoring bullshit for which it stands, a billion dumbasses, under commie threat, unfattenable, with cheeseburgers and aliens for all.

*single tear*

So how have you all been celebrating? I personally have found out that if I hold my arms out with sparklers from the balcony, the cult nerds think I'm George Washingjesus risen from Mount Rushmore. You ought to try it, I could probably masturbate on these people and they'd call it my freedom blood and then try drinking it.

Like I said: the greatest holiday of them all.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Every year I try to forget how utterly intolerable you all become on this day. Every year you insist on reminding me, loudly and obnoxiously.

Thank you.

LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY, the American way! What kind of a hopeless place would we be without it?

But don't worry, you're more than welcome!

Without it you would be Canada, of course. The quieter, more well-behaved younger brother who actually remembers to ring Mother every now and then.

Yeah, if your mother was a tea-loving oppressive royal ratfuck! Then it's Stockholm Syndrome.

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This makes me miss Karson.
Except for the 8its a8out mastur88tion. That's just gross as hell.

I never said I actually did that bit, you know.

I can still think it is gross! And unp8triotic.
And kind of unsanitary! Pu8lically flashing your wang just 8n't accepta8le, 8ro. No8ody knows where it's 8een!
Alien armpit anuses aside.

How is it unpatriotic?! NOTHING is more patriotic than freedom juice spewing cock!

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wow

mb this country is worth something after all

Damn straight it is! It's worth so much, it's FREE!

i see i see

when is the healthcare free

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what.

uh

what

[There's so much about this that confused Rakka. She's so Japanese, what even is this.]

((just pretend this is embedded in the comment))

Edited (so apparently youtube embeds don't work on dreamwidth) 2014-07-16 02:43 (UTC)

[She just doesn't know how to react to this.

Should she be laughing? Would that be rude?]

uh okay then. sure

[There comes a point in every person's life where they just decide to not question things.]

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Was any of that really necessary?

All of it. Every last bit.

And it looks like someone put way too much effort into something so obnoxious and bad looking.

[Yes, she went there]

Looks like someone's just jealous, if you ask me!

It's okay, I know how hard it is to come to grips with the fact that none of us can be George Washington. But we all have to grow out of it sometime.

And the same goes to you.

It looks like someone can’t get over his George Washington complex either. How sad for you, it must be miserable to be living in such a way. I pity you.

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[There's a long pause.]

...I really, really hope you aren't nor ever have been one of my students.

Why's that?

Because I'd like to think one of my students would've had enough history drilled into their skulls that this joke would actually be... y'know.

...funny.

Unfortunately, I've also met my students, so I guess I should know better.

You're truly an American hero.

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