006 | Video [dated 30/6]

[abhero]

[After a week of radio silence, Emil is broadcasting from his room. He’s without a hat today, horn visible through his blonde hair. He also gave up the contacts, showing his now red eyes. People who know him might notice he’s more subdued than usual, but then again he almost got murdered violently.]

You all heard about that mob incident in Vegas. Some of you probably have questions, so… here goes.

[A pause. He looks very serious.]

Yes, it was a lot like being in a zombie movie, except these guys weren’t rotting and they didn’t try to eat my brain. Also, little old ladies are strangely strong. Walkers are deadly weapons, it’s scary.

[Sigh.]

Anyway. The cultists are having a field day with this. I thought going back to Locke would get them off my back but they keep sending me these facebook messages. I think some of them are supposed to be encouraging but it’s just creepy as fuck:

”Face your true self.”

“You let us down you’re an asshole”. This guy spelled “you’re” wrong. Dick.

“Work harder exclamation mark exclamation mark. You’re a child of the shell exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark” and so on. Next.

”The great lobster is displeased”, “Sorry if I hit you” - huh, that’s nice actually - “That horn is really cute”, “Don’t be afraid just look inside”, “You owe me a new megaphone” - uh. [He looks away, sheepish.] This one has a point... anyway, you get the picture. I got like dozens of these. It’s really annoying.

[He rubs his eyes. Now it’s obvious he’s trying hard to keep up appearance.]

I dunno. There’s always a chance of outing yourself but I wish it was nicer than failed cult icon and “demon kid destroys a fountain.”

[And he turns off the video.]

Comments

[abhero]

[Sorry Cecil. Boy has an attitude problem.]

The guy strangled me, the only megaphone I'll get him is one that makes funny noises. [Thank you Matt for this idea.] If he wants a real one he can ask Russel. He's the one who took it in the first place.

[senseandcecilbility]

[He can see that. It displeases him.]

Damaged property is still damaged property. However, if you are not sending him anything, that is fine.

[Because Cecil feared the cultists might try to use the package to track the boy down.]

[abhero]

He can ask the DA to add it to my other property damage charges.

[It may have been self defence, but you can't destroy a fountain, wreck a part of a hotel entrance, make holes in the sidewalk and then get away with nothing.]

Which I helped cleaning up, by the way.

[senseandcecilbility]

[Well...

That was actually

nice.]

My apologies for not helping. We were busy with Lake Bellagio.

[His hair still stinks of dead lobster.]

[abhero]

Oh yeah. I saw the videos, it was like Birdemic but with crabs.

And uh, it's probably for the best there weren't more Numbers there. The weirdos are all over the place, looking for the head lobster or something. Some of em think I ruined its lair...

[senseandcecilbility]

They have been following me for a while. They consider me holy or something equally ridiculous. I believe most of them have given up by now.

[ Because Cecil's major skill is being incredibly boring.]

The fountain was the head lobster's lair?

[abhero]

[Emil is jealous. Holy is better than misguided demon kid, and he doubts they'd give up on him so fast.]

I'm not sure there's even a head lobster in the first place.

[senseandcecilbility]

[It is so not. It is not only cultists following him. Priests, monks, tv evangelists, children, old ladies...

Fortunately, even them get bored. Sooner or later.]

...Let's hope that is the case.

[The idea of an unreasonably giant lobster on his delivery route makes him shiver with outrage.]

[abhero]

Yeah. I don't want some - some monster mother crab going after me because I made her kids homeless or something.

[senseandcecilbility]

Even if it existed and was angry enough to hunt you down, I do not believe it would manage to cross the desert.

[On the other hand, you can keep your hypothetical giant snakes. It is only fair.]

[abhero]

It could travel underground!

[senseandcecilbility]

T-there is no such thing as underground lobsters!

[He refuses to accept a world where underground lobsters exist.]

[abhero]

Maybe there is! If there are aliens and superheroes and magical internet, why not underground lobsters!! It can travel through sewers and underground rivers!

[senseandcecilbility]

T-there is no such things as aliens and superheroes either!

[He refuses to believe any of those. Especially aliens. Forget Locke City and spaceships. That's just something crazy people make up to populate their crazy minds.]

1/3

[abhero]

It's gonna go through the pipes and up my toilet I CAN NEVER PEE SAFELY AGAIN -

[abhero]

[wait what was that about no aliens]

done

[abhero]

Are you kidding me right now.

[senseandcecilbility]

No.

Besides, regular lobsters need salt water to survive.

[Calm down, kid.]

[abhero]

[NEVER he psyched himself out]

But this one isn't a regular lobster and there are too superheroes you're talking to one - okay, maybe I'm not really doing superheroing but I totally have powers and aliens exist THEY FUCKING LANDED DO YOU NOT WATCH THE NEWS AND I WAS ON THEIR SPACESHIP AND I HAVE PICTURES

[Attached: pictures of Geoff's spaceship, inside and outside. some of them are selfies]

[senseandcecilbility]

[He waves them off.]

Montages, special effects. [Technology, ew. He does not trust.] Besides, destroying a fountain hardly counts as a superpower, and those lobsters certainly stank like regular lobsters after they died. Heck, some people even ate them.

1/2

[abhero]

Ooooh you're right if the evil mother lobster attacks me in the shower I'll just hit her on the head and COOK HER IN THE BATH!

[abhero]

Also wow you live in deep denial man. Like way deep.

[senseandcecilbility]

Mind the claws.

[For educational purposes, he motions at the screen with his band-aided hands and wrists, still scratched black and blue from his misadventures at the Bellagio. The problem with fending off possessed crustaceans with an umbrella is that the umbrella will be perforated sooner or later, and no amount of band-aids can hide the final result]

...You may say what you wish. I shall have the last laugh when you all find out green men don't exist.

[abhero]

I dunno about green men, but bug men and ghost men and talking parrots with hands definitely exist.

[senseandcecilbility]

[Boy, do you realize how high you sound?]

Parrots sometimes talk anyway.

[Honestly, stay away from those mushrooms.]