savetheearth | Twenty-Sixth Message [Video

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Twenty-Sixth Message [Video | Sheet of Paper]

Excuse me -- excuse me.

[It opens with voice for once, hasty and dry, but with actual words bringing the connection in.]

I'm sorry -- I don't...

[Starts over. Coughs. A moan solidifies into an "uhmmm". Tapers off and presses out through Anthony's nose.

Takes a breath to stall, gets the message together, and... speaks up again. Actually steadily - halting but articulate.]

...This is Anthony. Janvier, and I -- just -- thought I would say, um. In case, that -- I've been hallucinating, since -- fall. I think. And it -- uhh. ...Something happened last week - 'mmh not sure what's - happening. ...Exactly, but I.

[And that's where the organization of his train of thought ends.]

In case it -- might be interesting -- to someone.

[He'll put the fact that he's legitimately scared at where this might be going out of his head as far as possible in favor of what he's just said - it might be interesting to someone! There was that suggestion before that it could be due to his brain deteriorating, on one hand, and on the other, there'd been the boy who'd brought up "monsters" going insane, and the psychologist a while before, had touched on the idea of "treating" what had sounded to be that sort of thing.]

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[No, because he does not want to tell Nick that something spooked him while he happened to be on a well-earned vacation of sorts among good company, but God, he is really unnerved, and... it'd likely be best to let him know that it's possible instead of chancing it happening again with minimal warning to be discovered, wouldn't it?]

I uhh...

[A couple of quick and shallow stop-and-fidget breaths. Projects figuratively squirming.]

I -- panicked. -- And I don't know why - but when uhh. [From projection to awkwardly breathing it out.] It - stopped I couldn't - wasn't sure what I'd - been... - doing. 'M sorry, Nick, I'm so sorry... [Trails off in a figurative ducking-down to crawl off and hide and cringe in a corner someplace, he is so sorry for the constant bad news...]

[Nick's silent for a moment, trying to think. He's not at all unfamiliar with panic attacks or black outs - if it weren't for the hallucinations, he'd think this was some form of PTSD. Hell, maybe it still is; it's not like Anthony hasn't been through enough.]

You have nothing to be sorry for, Anthony. I love you, kid, okay? That doesn't mean I only want to be around when you're in a good mood or pretending everything's fine, it means I still want to be there when bad shit happens.

[Except for the fact where he still isn't actually sure what to do.]

Have you ever had a black out like that before?

[He's bracing himself for the figurative axe while Nick's quiet, as whatever answer is coming it's bound not to be an everything's fine.

However that first part blindsides him with a blunt slam to a pressure point. Knocks him stunned, drops into his hands, and leaves him there to process it floating.

Nick's actual question comes with a mental ripple out and then back in.]

-- Uhh - ...? [Voice sticks short of a first proper word. Smothers a cough and, again, largely breathes his answer out.] ...No. That - hadn't happened before.

[Throaty to duck some of the stuck-ness.]

[He can guess that the reason for the delay and lack of proper words there isn't necessarily the question itself - or at least not completely. Part of him wonders if he should say something about it, but honestly, he has no idea how to follow up on that.

He's a lot better at sliding over anything emotional than expanding on it.

So he moves on, to trying to figure this out.]

Did you get that pulse feeling, before it happened?

I did. [Shallow and mild, turns his head down and fractionally back up for a nod.]

-- I don't - know what... caused... it, either...

[Any answer he has on anything leads to a useless dead end at some point as far as he can divine.]

[He makes a hmm sound, considering.]

Do you think whatever the pulse was, it caused the black out? Or.... Maybe the pulse was blacking out?

[His mouth drops open slightly - yes, that had been one of the things he'd been thinking, but...

Leads back in, dragged, tentative, a bit air-heavy - ] -- When --

[Relatively strong start. Goes tripping and snagging, feeling and stumbling around.]

...When I -- first. Started. Ha-hallucinating it was uhm. ...After a pulse - I thought uhh, the - pulse was. Just the hallucination but then - they... started happening again after we went back to the Dead District so it.

[Bad news, and bad notions.] Could, uh.

-- Could be -- either way... -- I'm sorry, Nick.

Either way, you've had some pretty crappy pulses and are still feeling their effects.

[There's a brief pause as Nick lets out another breath of air, trying to think.]

I'll - [Another pause, even shorter, then he changes it to;] We'll figure this out, all right? I'll be honest, I'm not sure how right now, but - you're not alone.

[The sorriness still holds fast.]

It -- isn't like I'm going -- to die -- if we don't - Nick, uhm. Please - don't -- do... ["Anything you don't have to" is easily rebutted.] -- try to do anything -- you can't; I'll -- I will - figure - it out, myself - if -- I have to...

[A bit of vibration; all-around delivered as more of an extended "please" than an apology. Said vibration loosens and trickles out as he's said what he figures can be said.]

[He starts to immediately rebuke that, to insist that he wants to help and he'll do whatever he can - but stops himself as that phrasing hits. Don't try to do anything you can't.

He has to admit that he's not sure if there's anything he can actually do, and maybe Anthony doesn't want him to try if he can't succeed.]

Would you rather I stay out of this? I don't want to; I don't like seeing you upset, and when you're hurt, that hurts me, too. But if that's what you want, I'll, uh. Well, I'll try.

[On Anthony's part, it isn't actually what he "wants".

Raspy exhale, pressurized inhale, swallow. Twitch of his head upward and back down closer to focus on the source of Nick's voice.]

...I don't -- want... to be a waste of your time. [Mostly-steady, tight sincerity. He omits a "That's it" before it forms, in case it changes anything.] If -- maybe you could -- [Projects a tad more, shakes a little looser toward the end.] -- tell me, if - I'm... having a moment.

["Moment" in the euphemistic sense - he's quavering a little on asking seeing as that would be help enough to feel as if it's a generous request.]

You'll never be a waste of my time, Anthony. Ever.

[It's quiet and fervent, though he doesn't know if Anthony will believe it. It's not necessarily enough, just saying it - but it's true, and he's just kind of hoping that if he shows it enough, one day Anthony'll buy it.]

Yeah, of course I'll tell you. Anything you need, man, just - keep me in the loop about this, okay? Please?

[He doesn't believe it, no , and it sort of stings his lungs frozen.

He forces them to expand and contract in a drawn, faintly-whistling breath.

Stops and wrings up an:] O -- ...Okay.

[Much as he doesn't, in fact, want to be alone with it, he doesn't want to do that, either. The more he puts on with it, the comparitively less can be solved, the more of a waste of time and energy it will be.

Swallows, and stumbles out on a run.] Nick -- I'm sorry, I - don't - ["I don't know why it's like this". Then clearly it's the fault of whatever force is picking their pulses, blast it that's selfish - ] -- You didn't -- uhmm -- !

It's -- [That thought bunches tight, collapses in on itself, and comes out slipping and cracking - upper edge high.] -- it's just like John...! He didn't -- [Swallows again.] -- know I was a zombie until after, he -- let me move in with him.

[Despite himself, Nick lets out a slightly surprised chuckle.]

Are you giving me the network version of the talk? The 'you didn't sign up for this and you don't know what you're getting into so don't feel like you have to get involved' speech?

[It sounds remarkably similar to the one he'd given his girlfriend before joining the police academy, the one he's had with almost every significant other since then, because dating a cop isn't easy.]

I don't care what these pulses throw at us. You're still going to have to put up with me.

[Ah-ha, see, he's pathetic and that warrants a laugh! His tone tightens again at a spot between being confusedly self-amused to match Nick and sort of regular ol' embarrassed.] I'm -- sorry.

[Repetitive, but it's not entirely for the same thing - is he making it sound as if Nick needs to be "put up with"?]

Nah, don't be sorry. It's just - I've done the same thing, kind of a lot. Usually for more mundane stuff. Well, compared to the network, anyway.

[He never thought he'd call the kind of things he had to deal with as a homicide detective "mundane."]

You sure I'm not rubbing off on you?

[He actually wheezes out a laugh there, mostly in a breath out, bashful with jaws closed - it peters out.]

I don't - I don't know. [A bashful quiver in that, as well - he's got no clue what he should be saying, and yet he's feeling a stir of something or other at some part of that remark.] You -- haven't - ever... said anything like that to me -- I think...!

[He grins a little at getting that laugh.]

No, I haven't.

[His voice goes thoughtful there. He hasn't really given a talk like that to anyone on the network, now that he thinks about it. He's not sure why - doesn't really want to think about potential whys - but maybe he should.]

I guess I figured you were looking more for reasons to go than ones to stay. I was more focused on giving you as many of the second as I could.

You...

["...don't think I want to go, do you?" or "You didn't have to give me reasons"? Or both - they're really the exact same thought.

Cringes a tad. Apologetically, and he subconsciously acknowledges he's expressing that - withholds a verbal apology, figures he anticipates the reception it'll get. He's been compelling Nick

-- I wanna stay -- you - you don't have to... You don't have to -- focus on anything... [A quaver of earnestness. Coughs - why is his throat this constricted, it's like it's trying to keep anything wrong from slipping out. He's got to work to speak.] You're -- sure - you want me to...

[A usual stranded trail-off.

Inflection left undecided.]

[Nick doesn't want to say that, yeah, sometimes it felt like he did have to focus on that. Anthony's so unsure of his own welcome sometimes, it seems like Nick's trying to find something to make Anthony believe he wants him here.

He knows how well that's likely to go over, and he doesn't want Anthony to feel guilty.

So he just... goes for quiet honesty.]

Yeah. I want you to stay. For... however long we both get, I want you here. There's not a pulse you could get that'd change that. Maybe one day, I'll get you to believe that.

[Maybe, indeed. Maybe that's true, or has any business being stated as an unconditional.]

I don't-I don't contribute anything.

[It's clear but not in effort to convince Nick of anything - at least consciously; more an insistence that they're both aware of the facts.]

[Nick shakes his head, pushing his hand through his hair. He doesn't know how to tell Anthony that it's not about contribution.

His voice is quiet when he speaks, because... this isn't something he really likes to admit.]

Do you have any idea how lonely I was before you moved in?

[He has enough self-awareness to recognize it as no better than naive that he sees no reason Nick would've needed to be - he's got friends on the network, people who ought to trust he's capable of assisting - he grabs the thought and leans back against the reins long short of any point of it entering his phrasing. He does the same with quick grabs at the air of "But it didn't need to be me" ideas.]

Don't -- need someone living with you not to be -- lonely... [The tone is charged and the clarity is muffled, as he figures that, too, is probably not in line with the actual point.]

Maybe I did.

[He wouldn't have thought so before, but now, he can't imagine going back to living alone. To living without Anthony.]

But not 'someone' - you. I needed you. I don't know if I can answer why, not in a way that I can go 'these are the contributions you make to my life, this is why I can't do it without you, why I don't want to lose you.' I just... can't, and don't.

[He sighs, a self-depreciating huff, and it's a tone that continues for his next comment.]

I'm really bad at this. I don't know if I ever warned you about that.

Nick -- I don't - I don't - I don't contribute -- anything...!

[Repetition. He's scrambling high toward sort-of pleading on some point - be it "please stop", "please, please do try to elaborate", or both, or whichever. Whichever works easiest. He's not going to take what was said before without something solid; can't be an it just is, that doesn't tell him anything's actually going right. None of these, either, are anything he is as far as he's concerned actually qualified for.

All an honor without, as far as he's concerned, the actual earned honor - from Nick, who did everything. Taught him and Alex K. how to fight. Taught him how to fight blind. Took him in out of John's apartment after it was no longer an option. Gave him a chance to come back to life multiple times. Knew something was "bothering him" and let it pass without callout.

He's really been a passive recipient all along, and he cannot spot anywhere he got the "love" to earn any of it.]

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detectivetroll - 2014-06-09 07:05 (UTC) - Expand

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