savetheearth | Twenty-Sixth Message [Video

Excuse me -- excuse me.

[It opens with voice for once, hasty and dry, but with actual words bringing the connection in.]

I'm sorry -- I don't...

[Starts over. Coughs. A moan solidifies into an "uhmmm". Tapers off and presses out through Anthony's nose.

Takes a breath to stall, gets the message together, and... speaks up again. Actually steadily - halting but articulate.]

...This is Anthony. Janvier, and I -- just -- thought I would say, um. In case, that -- I've been hallucinating, since -- fall. I think. And it -- uhh. ...Something happened last week - 'mmh not sure what's - happening. ...Exactly, but I.

[And that's where the organization of his train of thought ends.]

In case it -- might be interesting -- to someone.

[He'll put the fact that he's legitimately scared at where this might be going out of his head as far as possible in favor of what he's just said - it might be interesting to someone! There was that suggestion before that it could be due to his brain deteriorating, on one hand, and on the other, there'd been the boy who'd brought up "monsters" going insane, and the psychologist a while before, had touched on the idea of "treating" what had sounded to be that sort of thing.]

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[He actually wheezes out a laugh there, mostly in a breath out, bashful with jaws closed - it peters out.]

I don't - I don't know. [A bashful quiver in that, as well - he's got no clue what he should be saying, and yet he's feeling a stir of something or other at some part of that remark.] You -- haven't - ever... said anything like that to me -- I think...!

[He grins a little at getting that laugh.]

No, I haven't.

[His voice goes thoughtful there. He hasn't really given a talk like that to anyone on the network, now that he thinks about it. He's not sure why - doesn't really want to think about potential whys - but maybe he should.]

I guess I figured you were looking more for reasons to go than ones to stay. I was more focused on giving you as many of the second as I could.

You...

["...don't think I want to go, do you?" or "You didn't have to give me reasons"? Or both - they're really the exact same thought.

Cringes a tad. Apologetically, and he subconsciously acknowledges he's expressing that - withholds a verbal apology, figures he anticipates the reception it'll get. He's been compelling Nick

-- I wanna stay -- you - you don't have to... You don't have to -- focus on anything... [A quaver of earnestness. Coughs - why is his throat this constricted, it's like it's trying to keep anything wrong from slipping out. He's got to work to speak.] You're -- sure - you want me to...

[A usual stranded trail-off.

Inflection left undecided.]

[Nick doesn't want to say that, yeah, sometimes it felt like he did have to focus on that. Anthony's so unsure of his own welcome sometimes, it seems like Nick's trying to find something to make Anthony believe he wants him here.

He knows how well that's likely to go over, and he doesn't want Anthony to feel guilty.

So he just... goes for quiet honesty.]

Yeah. I want you to stay. For... however long we both get, I want you here. There's not a pulse you could get that'd change that. Maybe one day, I'll get you to believe that.

[Maybe, indeed. Maybe that's true, or has any business being stated as an unconditional.]

I don't-I don't contribute anything.

[It's clear but not in effort to convince Nick of anything - at least consciously; more an insistence that they're both aware of the facts.]

[Nick shakes his head, pushing his hand through his hair. He doesn't know how to tell Anthony that it's not about contribution.

His voice is quiet when he speaks, because... this isn't something he really likes to admit.]

Do you have any idea how lonely I was before you moved in?

[He has enough self-awareness to recognize it as no better than naive that he sees no reason Nick would've needed to be - he's got friends on the network, people who ought to trust he's capable of assisting - he grabs the thought and leans back against the reins long short of any point of it entering his phrasing. He does the same with quick grabs at the air of "But it didn't need to be me" ideas.]

Don't -- need someone living with you not to be -- lonely... [The tone is charged and the clarity is muffled, as he figures that, too, is probably not in line with the actual point.]

Maybe I did.

[He wouldn't have thought so before, but now, he can't imagine going back to living alone. To living without Anthony.]

But not 'someone' - you. I needed you. I don't know if I can answer why, not in a way that I can go 'these are the contributions you make to my life, this is why I can't do it without you, why I don't want to lose you.' I just... can't, and don't.

[He sighs, a self-depreciating huff, and it's a tone that continues for his next comment.]

I'm really bad at this. I don't know if I ever warned you about that.

Nick -- I don't - I don't - I don't contribute -- anything...!

[Repetition. He's scrambling high toward sort-of pleading on some point - be it "please stop", "please, please do try to elaborate", or both, or whichever. Whichever works easiest. He's not going to take what was said before without something solid; can't be an it just is, that doesn't tell him anything's actually going right. None of these, either, are anything he is as far as he's concerned actually qualified for.

All an honor without, as far as he's concerned, the actual earned honor - from Nick, who did everything. Taught him and Alex K. how to fight. Taught him how to fight blind. Took him in out of John's apartment after it was no longer an option. Gave him a chance to come back to life multiple times. Knew something was "bothering him" and let it pass without callout.

He's really been a passive recipient all along, and he cannot spot anywhere he got the "love" to earn any of it.]

[Damn it Anthony, don't make him do this. He really wants to shut down here, like he always has when things get this heavy, when there's this much emotion involved.

But he meant it when he said he didn't want lose Anthony, so... for that, he'll try.]

You're smart. You come up with these ideas about pulses and the network, like those databases, that seem obvious in retrospect, but I never thought of them. There's a reason I tell you everything I find out, and it's because if I missed something, you might pick up on it. I can bounce things off you because I know your opinion is always a good one.

You're good in a fight. You can think on your feet, your intuition's good, and there's not many people I'd trust more at my back than you.

[He could probably stop there, but now that he's started, it's almost like he can't stop.]

You're determined. Shit, you're one of the bravest I've ever met, Anthony. When I was around your age, I lost my parents and I wanted to die. When that didn't work, I stopped caring, about anyone. You've lost almost everything, and you're still going. You're still trying, you're doing everything you can. Most people'd run away from all this. Most people aren't even a quarter of the person you are.

[And that's... probably way more than Anthony needed to know, so he's just going to awkwardly stop talking.]

Twenty-Sixth Message [Video | Sheet of Paper]

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