01 | text; typed

[abhero]

you guys owe me a new phone and let me tell you why

let’s say your grandma wants whatsapp installed and since you’re a good grandkid you take her phone and plan to do just that. but instead you type those numbers that got stuck in your head and you find a secret message board

so you browse and it’s like everyone is in some weird reincarnation cult. then you see FAQ and the first to get your eye is red text about police killing kids and snuff films and shit

and IN THAT EXACT MOMENT granny comes looking to see if you’re done yet and you freak out, throw her phone and smash it. then you’ve got all this explaining to do and people get angry

you connect to the “network” again later when you’re alone in your room behind a closed door, trying to figure out wtf is going on in peace

only to find out you ruined gran’s phone for nothing because “observing civilians will see blank pages or device equivalent” and you wonder WTF NO ONE THOUGHT TO PUT IT IN BIG BOLD LETTERS INSTEAD INSIDE A WALL OF TEXT

conclusion? you owe me a phone

and hi i guess

Comments

[testsonseashells]

Wrote that civilians could not see network above warning about police. Had thought most people would read in order.

[abhero]

red text and links are more eye catching! so you thought wrong

[testsonseashells]

Originally text was uncolored. Was told to make it red because it linked to video of murder.

Receiving mixed messages here.

text

[mood2wiingiing]

how smashed are we talking?
theres some people here who might be able two fix it.

text

[abhero]

pretty smashed

thrown across the room and then stepped on when grandpa came in to see what's happening smashed

text

[mood2wiingiing]

lmao ok yeah thats probably two smashed sorry dude.
youre just fucked i think.
dont expect people here two actually give you money for a phone i think were a little busy doing important things.

[disgeyes]

That exact same scenario has happened to all of us.

Our grandmas just went back to using the land line. It's for the best.

[abhero]

yeah but what about playing candy crash how is she supposed to do that
don't send her back to the stone age just cause she's an old lady

[disgeyes]

That candy game is at least six months old by now, which on the internet timeline, places it sometime during the fall of the Byzantine Empire.

Crossword puzzles and Days of Our Lives are classics.

[Text]

[italktofish]

WELL NOT SCARING YOUR GRANNY IS VERY IMPORTANT BUT REALLY YOU GOTTA PLAY IT COOL WHEN DEALING WITH GRANNIES THEY WORRY ABOUT RANDOM SMASHING OF THINGS

[Text]

[abhero]

duh of course i'll play it cool from NOW ON
but it doesn't help her phone does it
random smashing is a reasonable reaction to murder videos

[text]

[synonymouswithdookie]

good job dumbass

[text]

[abhero]

this isn't my fault can't you read
jerk

[idealofhope]

Oh, don't worry about that, just print off and fill out form-QZ3, include a receipt and a picture of the phone and the treasury will get you squared away with a reimbursement in 4-6 business days.

[abhero]

you know sometimes it's hard to get the tone on text but i have a slightly suspicion you might be sarcastic

text;

[eras]

unfortunately i dont think crazy magic conspiracies cover cellphone loss
sorry man

text;

[abhero]

aren't secret societies supposed to help their members

handwritten; old lady style

[pokebonnet]

Your grandma has an interwebs phone?

[Yes. This is what she chooses to focus on.]

typed all the way

[abhero]

[Did this person just use "interwebs" seriously or...?]

yeah
you don't?

text;

[orangehoodie]

i don's see how that's the fault of anybody else but you

text;

[abhero]

your reading comprehension sucks then

text;

[alilyinthemoonslight]

We really should find a way to get people to try the paper trick first.

text;

[abhero]

well which one of you is in charge of the subliminal messages

[pheromonecoffee]

Call the phone company and say it's stolen.

Might work? If your granny has insurance, anyway.

[abhero]

interesting idea
HOWEVER
you're basically saying i should commit a crime over something that's your responsibility
i am shocked and appalled and also offended by this very suggestion

[He really isn't. He might have even tried it if he wasn't afraid his family would get PISSED if they found out.]