January 02 | Text

[phoenix_temple]

Okay so. Question. For everyone.

I'm kind of freaking out a little bit? Because the other day I really and actually kind of saved my least favorite person in school when she kind of got cut because she sent me on a stupid dare (don't do a stupid dare when you know it's in a bad area. That's common sense, but she is really annoying tbf). But it was with some stupid spell like in old action shows where you had to yell out your attacks and this is decidedly not normal.

I mean it's not violent, so it's okay right? I can help people with it and it's useful right? Except I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with a spell that can make someone unstabbed.

And I am really freaking out because I do not understand what the fuck wind has to do with making people unstabbed.

Healing. The word is healing except that sound so stupid like something from some kind of fantasy movie or comic or game or something omg. But like. What if my mom finds out???

I feel obligated to do something good with it but I don't know what or how I mean come on I'm only 17 and this is a lot of responsibility and I haven't slept in like two days because what if I wake up with wings or gills or I torch my room in my sleep or something.

Comments

[espigeonage]

Tele - [okay, he should try not to get distracted.] Do you want to elaborate on any of that?

[phoenix_temple]

I don't know. I don't understand any of it.

[espigeonage]

Right.

What was using this... wind-magic like?

[phoenix_temple]

I don't really remember. I was just... scared.

[espigeonage]

It's a terrifying thing to have happen. I'm glad you got out of it.

[phoenix_temple]

[She drops her head again. She's exhausted.]

Yeah. So am I. And surprised.

[espigeonage]

Some pulses are helpful. I have to kind of envy you the ability to heal. It's hard to see someone in pain when you can't do much about it.

[Julien is kind of talking about this, here.]

[phoenix_temple]

I know that. Believe me, I know. If I didn't have it, Marina would be dead. But if I could give it to you, I would.

[Because now every time someone suffers and she can't do anything about it because she might get caught? Guilt is going to destroy her.]

[espigeonage]

Yeah...

[Julien lets silence lapse, appearing to gaze just at his hands. If there's nothing Anais wants to bring up in a minute or so, he will say something.]

[phoenix_temple]

[She stares at her own hands for a few seconds. Then out the window.]

It probably seems really dumb, a teenager's problems with this stuff...

[espigeonage]

Nah. It's natural. You're not the only one to have trouble with these things and what they mean.

There's a lot happening. It's incredibly stressful, for everyone.

[phoenix_temple]

Yeah. Everyone. Not just me, and I'm freaking out like it is.

[espigeonage]

It's okay. It's part of human nature - or whatever nature - to feel alone in our problems sometimes.

[phoenix_temple]

It's just.... they said people died because of this! People's families... I didn't want to get any closer than I already was...

[espigeonage]

[He nods.]

It's understandable. Not a lot of people looked at all this and said "Sign me up". It's hard being here, being involved even at the edges.

[phoenix_temple]

But with something like this... I have to do something with it. I have to, don't I? I could save somebody. I could--I don't know. Maybe I'm being self-important, but these aren't exactly mine.

[She opens her hands on the table and takes a good look at them.]

If something happened to my mom or my dad--to my sister or Anthony or you--I'd like to think someone would help them...

[espigeonage]

Well...

[Julien takes off his glasses and polishes the lenses, slowly.]

No one's trying to compel you to come along on some daring midnight raid on the Blood Keys warehouse, for instance. Well if there was, I would think poorly of them.

Certainly I'd like your help if someone was hurt. But we do have other people with healing skills. Ravi was in the military. Akito pulsed back the ability to use a gun. They're more comfortable with danger - and that doesn't mean you're lesser somehow for not being like them.

I would like it if you could use this power, if there was need. But not if it meant taking you into danger.

[phoenix_temple]

[She shakes her head.] I'm not saying I want to go into danger, but--

If things keep on like this, it seems like all of us are going to have to face it, aren't we?

[espigeonage]

Probably. Sooner or later, anyway. But you don't have to go running after it. There is space on the sidelines.

Like - me, I can't fight. It's something the other me did a lot, but I can't see myself doing that. So there are things other people will go into, and I won't.

[phoenix_temple]

[Anais drops her face into her arms on the table. She's so freaking exhausted just from thinking. Her voice is a little muffled.]

I just want to get back to my life. School. Track. Babysitting. Music. That is all I want.

[espigeonage]

[He closes his eyes for a moment and sighs, more deeply than is humanly possible.] Normal life is complicated enough. I know. I know.

I wish this wasn't such a thing too.

[phoenix_temple]

The girl who I was--she and Marina were fighters. Them and another girl.

But... I guess I got stuck with the dumb end of the stick. Marina can blast people with water. I get fixing things.

Nobody wants to use a power like that. It's better to prevent getting hurt than fixing it...

[espigeonage]

I'd rather be able to fix things than break them. If you have a... blasting power then to use it you pretty much have to be in danger and hurt people. Right?

There will always be people who fight. We have a lot of them already. They don't always come back in one piece. We have few people, very few, who can help them with that. Even normal medic types - I work at the clinic and I've had first aid training, that's all - we're strongly outnumbered.

[phoenix_temple]

Someone said I could volunteer there. But what use am I going to be? I don't even know how anything works...

[espigeonage]

You can always learn. I came in knowing a little - I volunteered at an infirmary in college once, you know - but I know a lot more than I did. And, well, they always need someone doing chores. Cleaning, stocking, greeting people. Making sure no one feels like they've been forgotten.

I used to do a lot of stocking, but I'm not really at ease in that room anymore. Even though we've moved all the shelves around.