[Voice], home phone, Backdated to noon

[originaloddcouple]

[The Dians spent most of their day catering to Mrs. Harvent's complaints and cleaning their own messy shop. Everytime they attempted to reach for a way to access the network, the old crone's voice would order them around.

Eventually, Isaac managed to get to a phone.]

come on, come on, oh there we go HEY IS EVERYONE OKAY?! MIRIA AND I ARE READY TO HELP OUT ANYONE WHO NEEDS SOME ASSIST-

Would you stop your racket, son-in-law? You're giving me a headache. Who are you even talking to?

I'm talking to friends of mine, Mrs. Harvent. I just want to be sure everyone's okay.

Are they okay?

I haven't heard anything ye-

Don't be ridiculous. Who'd want to be friends with you two?

Mom!

Don't give me that tone, young lady!

...Sorry, Mom.

[There's a sigh.]

Just... give us a heads up!

Comments

oh my god i meant bearded blood sausage, not the other way around...

[grannyfucker]

Your lung disturber? Kidney cracker? Trouser anaconda? Purple-helmeted warrior of love?

I'm talking about your penis!

skdlslkd THIS GODDAMN THREAD

[originaloddcouple]

Ohhhh. Okay!





What about it?

[grannyfucker]

[if he could sigh over text, he would]

Like I just said, give the old woman some horizontal refreshment!

[originaloddcouple]

...Lemonade? ...With my...?

That sounds gross.

[grannyfucker]

[omfg these two]

I MEANT SEX.

[originaloddcouple]

[AND THEN THEY FUMBLE THE PHONE ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE. IT SOARS THROUGH THE AIR, REPEATEDLY HITTING THE TIPS OF THEIR FINGERS BEFORE CRASHING TO THE GROUND.

THEN THERE IS YELLING.

SO MUCH YELLING.]

[grannyfucker]

Jeez, at least try to be quiet when you're going at it, nobody likes listening to the mattress tango.

You know, I hear lubing up beforehand will help a lot with that screaming problem you're having.

1/2

[originaloddcouple]

SHUT UP!

[originaloddcouple]

[OH GOD, MRS. HARVENT THOUGHT THEY WERE TALKING TO HER.

SO MUCH YELLING.

THEY ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.]

[grannyfucker]

AND BE SURE TO USE A CONDOM!

[the capslock is rendered as EXTRA LOUD by the text reader.]

[originaloddcouple]

[EVERYTHING IS AWFUL FOREVER.]

[grannyfucker]

I'll just let you get on with your little threesome for now, but don't worry!

I'll check up on your progress later.

[originaloddcouple]

[And they were yelled at for hours on end.

Good job Jovan.]