savetheearth | [text]

HEY so some of you probably don't remember me which is GREAT because I kind of ignore most of you assholes anyway. I don't know if this is like common knowledge yet since LIKE I SAID I basically try to ignore you for the most part and pretend that none of this shit EXISTS, but I guess the police have magic dogs that can pick us out from people who aren't walking freak shows? WHICH IS AWESOME, RIGHT? I bet it was all over the network at some point, but I'm 100% a giant moron and pretty much never look, so long story short A MAGIC DOG GOT ME and some shitty dickhead cop motherfucker with an ugly face and a big butt arrested me. Did I mention he's an asshole because he is absolutely the biggest asshole fuck him.

Good news is I'm not in jail anymore, hooray for me, right? "BUT RAY HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF JAIL WHEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF US :( ?" you may be wondering. Or maybe you don't give a fuck. Well listen up motherfuckers because you're ABOUT to give SUCH a fuck.

I may or may not have completely agreed to act as an informant for the people that want us dead soooooooo that's a thing that's happening now. Detective Slenderman or whatever wants NAMES and I don't want to be DEAD so he's getting his goddamn names.

Now don't worry, I'm not a complete asshole. I'm not going to charge right up to the fucker and sell all of you out, but I can only give the guy fake names and bullshit for so long before he starts catching on and sends the murder patrol to my front door. SO HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK (it probably won't work but I like to pretend to be optimistic): I need volunteers. I need actual REAL LEGIT NAMES to give this dude. Yes that would make life harder for you and YES it would be a giant pain in the ass but maybe we can think of a way to make this work to our advantage somehow? OR you can all just tell me to fuck off and worst case scenario only I have to become dead because I'd rather do that than get anyone else killed. Still though I'd prefer to be ALIVE.

PS: As a general rule, if you're not old enough to drink you're not old enough to volunteer for something this goddamn stupid so you dumbass teenagers can just fuck right off. At the very least nobody's going to be able to accuse me of getting kids mixed up in this.

PPS: I KNOW, I'M A MORON, I GET IT, I'M SORRY, ETC. SHIT HAPPENS, DEAL WITH IT.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[He's still laughing, but goddammit, he's going to lean down and kiss him anyway.]

Victory.

[laughkissing sure it works]

For you or for me? 'Cuz I'll fight you for it.

For you. I surrender victory rights to you, danna.

Damn right you do.

New rule. Loser does dishes.

Even if he had a manicure today?

Do you seriously get manicures?

Yes.

Is that a problem?

Dude, I got chicks at work that do dishes with manicures and those goofy two inch fake nails and they don't complain.

so whats the actual rundown of the plan
did people give you permission to use names

I don't think you're an asshole at all. You were put in a tough situation.

So we have some time. I'm going to speak to a few people and see what we can put together.

Thanks good buddy, but I think you're the best!

The best of the best!

Edited (lots of derp) 2013-12-01 06:19 (UTC)

I don't know how many of their handlers are actually involved in this, anyway, so yeah, that'd be appreciated.

Should I be jealous you're noticing other women's nails?

Babe. They're kind of hard to miss. They could kill people with those things. Lemmie see yours.

[he makes grabby motions for one of Yuji's hands where is this fantastic manicure]

If you prove that you're not useful, he might let you off the hook.

the plan is i sit here wondering what the fuck i'm doing with my life, then pull me head out of my ass and play it by ear

one guy did. technically two but one of them is too young for me to feel comfortable with it

not that i would anyway but you know what i mean

Really?

[He just lets him take his hand. Behold the MANicure.]

I'm not even kidding, those things are lethal.

[Apparently Ray finds the concept of a MANicure fascinating because he is closely inspecting Yuji's pretty ~~girl~~ man hand]

[That actually makes him flinch a bit, because this is something he’s had trouble coping with from the very beginning--needing to hide to stay safe, not being able to stop what’s happening because the system that’s supposed to handle it is what’s hurting people in the first place. But he pushes on, because there’s more to this than just him being afraid.]

yeah, *eventually*

you think we’re anywhere near ready to go after this guy? We barely survived the bats and those black fuzzy bastards, and those werent things that could actually blend in among humans!

let alone how he has a lot of authority over a whole lot of people with *guns*, which could include more aliens that we know absolutely NOTHING about

we cant just charge in blind and think we can kick shermans ass just like that and be done with it

[~~oh the past life irony here…~~]

Noooo he made it pretty clear that he will kill the fuck out of me

such is life right

Have you actually seen it happen?

[They're not polished or anything but MAN those are some seriously nice man-nails.]

No. But I would totally pay money to see it.

[meanwhile ray probably has coffee grounds and/or car oil under his nails ooooh well.]

This might sound exceptionally gay, but you really do have nice hands.

You know, I've probably seen something like it. Somewhere on the job.

[OH WELL hand-touching is nice.]

Look at who you're talking to. If anything, it's not homosexual enough.

Oh. Well. I.... you know what, never mind.

[even if ray's kind of clumsy bout it right]

I guess I could grab your junk and then tell you that you have nice hands?

... What did I say?

[Right.]

That's more like foreplay than complimentary.

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