Video

[squicksilver]

[ Alex is holding his phone in a selfie video shot. He’s in his street clothes, hence no glitter or sequins, but there is… something perched on his shoulder. ]

Hello, hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I see you’ve all been terribly busy, what with traffic problems and power outages and echoing back pastry and —

HEADS STRAIGHT UP THEIR ASSES!

[ The something just talked. It’s a doll: a creepy, horrible doll that just now seemed to come alive. Alex shifts the camera angle, so her maniacal grin is more clearly visible. ]

Ha! Ha! Ha! Goodness, Emily. You naughty girl! Nobody likes to be reminded how short-sighted and parochial they are. So, without further ado…

There’s been another murder, ho-hum for Vegas, right? A Thomas Lowry from Colorado here for a convention. Sound familiar to anybody? I never saw him on the network, so I don’t believe he was part of our little club, but who knows? Anywaaaay! Shot in the heart and found in a gondola in the Venetian.

In other news, the pink light came back, and this time it seems to be here to stay. Unfortunately it’s been encouraging our latest batch of —

SICK MORONS!

— eccentrics, who were already abnormally excited by the murders. And finally… hm well. I suppose I might as well show you this, cos I was there.

[ He scrolls through his video clips, finally clicking on one of them. He speaks in a voice-over, above the muted sounds of shrieking: ]

The local shellfish decided getting boiled in a pot wasn’t quite what they wanted out of life, and… well…. as you can see…

[ The Bellagio fountain is roiling with crustaceans: crabs pour over the sides of the fountain, and scuttle sideways away. Lobsters wave their great claws, balefully. One of them manages to clamber up a railing, jump down and pinch an eager acolyte of “Children of the Shell” in the ass. ]

Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s very amusing, isn’t it Emily? But nothing particularly out of the ordinary for Vegas, right? And certainly not worth a trip down here, to sort out what’s going on.

[ His voice is sounding increasingly strained. ]

Right, well. Carry on! And I just wanted to say —

[ Emily hurls herself at the phone, filling the frame with her fixed, awful grin, whilst screaming: ]

GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE, YOU SUPERHERO IDIOTS!

Comments

[senseandcecilbility]

[ What the hell, this is Vegas. This is his Vegas and then there were pink lights and shellfish blocking his delivery route.

Enough was enough. He could take giant snakes and secret networks. Heck, he might even accept aliens from an entirely hypothetical standpoint. But nobody, nobody messes with Cecil Keller's delivery route.]

I am no superhero, Mister Ventriloquist, but I was at the Bellagio and managed to offer a lift to...some.

[The network image shows a mailman glaring with rocklike determination at what seems to be a rear view mirror, if the warning "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are" is any clue. He has cavernous circles under his eyes and is driving at the astounding speed of 20 miles per hour. Cecil may embrace the fact that he has gone completely bonkers like all the rest, but he is not, under any circumstances, breaking the law. Not even for the creepy cultists clearly following his mail van.]

[squicksilver]

[ WOW posting and driving, Mister Mailman? That's one of the few things that is illegal in Nevada. ]

Er....

[ And that's the most coherent thing Alex can say right now, because c'mon he's seen Men in Black and the whole postal workers are all really aliens thing is making total sense in a world with killer crustaceans. Eventually, however, he finds his tongue and says: ]

That was you?

[ Because he seems to remember a paddy wagon that looked like a USPS truck. ]

Also, er. Behind you?

[senseandcecilbility]

Indeed.

[Unfortunately, he broke his faithful Motorola StarTAC while hammering it against a killer lobster during the seashell incident, and so he thinks and hopes that the police will not pull him up if he talks to the rear view mirror itself.

As for postal workers being aliens...]

Oh, you can see them too?

[Cecil stops the truck to sort through a pile of letters and insert a couple of them into someone's mail box. The cultists' ominous black car stops a few feet behind him.]

...It is terribly annoying. I have already told them I'm an atheist..

[squicksilver]

[ Vegas isn't a city known particularly for its sanity, but something about this fellow makes him remember the term "going postal." ]

Why yes. I can see them. I can see them just fine~.

[ — he says in the gentle, sing-song tone of voice he imagines is appropriate for addressing crazy people!!! ]

Have you told them, er, what you are?

[senseandcecilbility]

[ Well, it is a relief to find out from the imaginary guy in the mirror that he is not imagining the cultists. That said, he is sane. Perfectly sane. And he will shout at anyone who suggests otherwise. Loudly. Also, this is the exact same voice the nice doctors at the hospital would use around his grandfather.]

Stop that right now. I am on to you, mister.

Have I told them I am having a conversation with a ventriloquist in my rear view mirror? No, absolutely not. But I was at the crustacean coup. Obnoxious cameras all over the place. And I have a badge.

[He raises a white and blue badge to the mirror to prove his point: Cecil Keller - Mail Carrier.]

I have always thought people would be more interested in saving their lives than posting videos on the cursed internet, but I guess you live and learn.

[squicksilver]

[ He's probably going to regret asking this

(whilst also searching "Cecil Keller - Mail Carrier" on Youtube) ]

I...

I see.

Did you do anything, ah, notable during the disturbance, Cecil?

[senseandcecilbility]

[Cecil Keller has not gone viral yet, but he certainly has a lot of potential. Amidst the hysterical mob by the fountain, one can see a willowy mailman fencing the carnivorous shellfish with nothing but a pointy black umbrella. There is very awkward but indomitable crashing and piercing of sturdy seashells as he drags seniors, children and other seashell afflicted people into his truck.When the umbrella is no more, Cecil pulls a cellphone out of his front pocket in order to bash a lobster off a little girl's ponytail. The comments to the videos have a rather impressive amount of speculation on why he was there in the first place, who still uses a Motorola StarTac these days, and, even more importantly, why would anyone in their sane mind wield an umbrella in Vegas this time of the year.

The whole affair lasts about twenty minutes, until the not so anonymous postal worker is faced with a new challenge. As soon as Cecil closes the truck's door and jumps behind the steering wheel the devious crabs and lobsters start nibbling at the tires and other indispensable automobile parts. When everything seems to be lost, there is a sudden and unexplainable flash of blinding light, and the shellfish are blasted away as if by a force field. The truck glimmers with some sort of crystalline layer before bolting away at full speed.]

I've already told you. [Cecil grumbles defensively.] All I did was put some people into the truck.

[squicksilver]

[ He doesn't make it through the whole 20 minutes, but the youtube comments are sufficient to let him fast forward to the good bits. Including the whole blinding flash of light and glimmering thing.

Subtle. ]

Yes, I saw that.

[ You know, it would be really wrong of him to link this on Facebook.

Really wrong.

Really really wrong. ]

What did you do with them afterwards?

[ Multitasking on an iPhone: so easy. It's also a bit of a sad commentary on modern society that for a man with no friends, Alex somehow has 2000 of them. ]

[senseandcecilbility]

[Really, really wrong, especially since Keller doesn't even have friends, or facebook friends, or a facebook account for that matter.]

I did not do anything with them. I just dropped them at the nearest hospital and helped them contact their families.

[See, the thing with the crystal glimmering thing was a fluke, okay. Come on, it could have been any passenger on the damn truck! Anyone with brains would arrive to the same conclusion, so why can't those cultists just leave him alone and get a life?]

[squicksilver]

[ And Twitter



Though Alex isn't completely awful. To his Tweet, he appends:

@pennjillette what do you think of this "real magic"? Looks like p simple pyrotechnics to me. Penn Jillette being a famous Vegas magician and noted skeptic, who like most of the magical community, remains deeply skeptical regarding the whole notion of reincarnates and magical abilities.

He makes similar commentary on his facebook post, describing how he thinks it was done, declaring that he'd never "out" the secrets of a real illusionist, but people who purport to having actual magical powers need to be exposed immediately. He also opines that if this was street magic, the theme is pretty grisly and in poor taste considering the murders, but sadly this is how more and more magicians operate nowadays (INSERT CRISS ANGEL JAB HERE).

See, Kevin? He's calling you a fraud, a non-magical ordinary person. Alex is helping, he's a helper. ]

Oh well, that's nice. Did you give them their mail, too?

[senseandcecilbility]

[So much helping! If only he had a Twitter he would be grateful to be a non-magical ordinary person, or horrified to find out he is a fraud. Regardless, as soon as he goes back to the office, his coworkers will be most likely making faces at him. Different faces, that is.

He starts the car again, and the occultists follow. ]

...Of course I did! What sort of irresponsible mail carrier do you think I am? I verified each of their names to find those who happened to live in my route and were conscious enough to sign for their packages.

[Since most of them would spend some time at the hospital, giving them their mail right away was the humane thing to do! ]

[squicksilver]

[ Aaaaand he already has 400 "likes." ]

I say, Mister Cecil Keller, Mail Carrier... has anybody ever told you that you might be, just a tiny bit...

[ Emily shrieks: ]

THREE TACOS SHORT OF A COMBO PLATE!

[senseandcecilbility]

[... 400 likes.

Cecil hates ventriloquists. In fact, it wouldn't be completely inaccurate to say that he hates entertainment. Moreover, he is by far, the sanest person in his family, which is not saying much, but still enough to cause him to consider Emily' s accusation terribly unfair. ]

Well, I am not the one playing with dolls, Mister....[he adds lamely:]...whatever your name is!

[He readjusts his USPS hat, and Alex may notice, just under his gloves, some nasty-looking crustacean bites. There is this small, guilty look on his face before he continues.]

...Anyway, I-Ihave no idea if that is relevant, but those weird cult people are using the inverted triangle as their symbol.

[squicksilver]

[ He opens his mouth, to introduce himself; then shuts it again and glares at his phone screen. ]

Don't you recognize me?

[senseandcecilbility]

[This is the face of true innocence and entertainment unfamiliarity.]

...Should I?

[As far as he can remember, the president is not a ventriloquist. Besides, what does that have to do with the inverted triangles? This guy's priorities are weird. ]

[squicksilver]

[ A vein throbs at his temple. ]

I —

Of course you should! I'm Alexander the Great!

[senseandcecilbility]

...

[Behold, the man who plays with dolls and thinks he is Alexander the Great. And he was calling Cecil crazy. ]

...I...I am really sorry about Hephaestion and all that.

[ He vaguely wonders if this poor dude couldn't find a less weird way to come out of the closet.]

[squicksilver]

[ ....Hephaestion??? okay gonna just Google that...



Oh Christ. ]

Not that Alexander the Great, you moron! I'm an illusionist, that's the name of my show!

[senseandcecilbility]

There is no need to be rude.

[So what? He makes cars disappear? Well, at least this so called Alexander the Great is not too insane aside from his obvious ego management problems. Probably. ]

Besides, I don't know that many illusionists. [He seems to search his memory. Houdini? David Copperfield?

[squicksilver]

Houdini's dead. And David Copperfield is....

[ His idol, OMG!!!! ]

Anyway! Since the cultists have demonstrated an interest in you, perhaps you could put that to good use.

[senseandcecilbility]

[Of course Houdini is dead! He is not that disconnected with the rest of the world, okay. However, it seems the silly man has stopped yelling at him for no apparent reason and decided it is a lovely idea to get him in trouble instead. More trouble, that is.]

...I don't like the sound of that, Alexander.

[squicksilver]

You don't like being useful?

Oh well, I suppose that's not too surprising. Most mail is electronic nowadays, and don't most people use UPS or FedEx to send things?

[ Very sweetly: ]

You're a bit of a dinosaur~!

1/3

[senseandcecilbility]

[GASP.]

...

[ That was low, Alex. Very low. ]

[senseandcecilbility]

I'm not a dinosaur, you ventriloquist! I'm more useful than you!

[Snail mail is here to stay, shut up!]

[senseandcecilbility]

[No, wait. He can deal with this entertainer. He is clearly the most mature here.

Grumpily:]

...What do you want anyway?