savetheearth | audio - computer

audio - computer - fairytales

[Candy is angry. And also kind of hysterical. She's audibly shaken and her voice fades in and out slightly, as if she's walking towards and then away from the microphone. Pacing, clearly.]

Fairies and dragons and unicorns aren't real! They're not real, okay? Life isn't some stupid fairytale! I mean, unless that's yet another mystery that no one decided to tell me until now! Surprise, Candy, someone's trying to kill everyone, cats can talk, and oh by the way, fairies are real! Didn't you know that already? Except maybe I did, because suddenly I remember them! How is that possible?

Oh, and apparently there are deer living in one of the parks here now? Except I didn't know that either until one of them came crashing through my cafe's window and attacked us! Ugh...this is all so stupid...

[She goes quiet for a bit. After awhile she speaks again, closer to the mic this time.] Um...sorry...sorry about all that...I didn't mean to rant...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Crab gets a gun.

Crab doesn't have opposable thumbs! Or ANY thumbs!

He can use his paws!

He will shoot you. He will shoot you by accident and you will scream like a tiny baby and that Mmmmwhatcha saaaayyy song will play and it will be terrible because I will be hovering over you telling you that I fucking told you so.

Crab would never shoot me, accidentally or purposefully. He is a well trained pup, and I can easily train him to point his little gun-- the gun will be tiny and dog-sized, by the way-- I'll teach him to point it at the bad guys, and he will save the Earth.

If you try to teach your sweet innocent vulnerable dog to shoot bad guys, I will call PETA.

Crab will shoot them too.

Why must he be a murderdog.

He will be a herodog.

No, seriously. No one likes PETA.

Edited 2013-07-10 23:05 (UTC)

Not even like. PETA?

Are you kidding me? They must hate themselves. Why else would they dress up like... you know.

Oh. Uh.

Then Crab can shoot PETA guys if YOU shoot PETA guys.

Give me a gun.

I changed my mind again you are not getting a fucking gun. You will learn to destroy PETA using only your fists! the way of the purist.

How the fuck am I supposed to shoot them with my fists? That's just ridiculous.

You punch them. Punches really fucking hurt.

[ ESPECIALLY MEMORYPUNCHES FROM TERRIFYING ROBOT GIRLS LIFE IS PAIN ]

What if I hurt my hand? That'd suck. And it'd severely dampen my ass-kicking abilities.

...You had to let the deer kill itself. You don't have ass-kicking abilities!

No one kicks ass during their tutorial fight.

I bet I will! I am ready. I am so very ready, Karson. The readiest.

I'm going to laugh so hard when you go to punch the deer, but in the end, the deer punches you.

Deer don't have fists to punch with, you ignorant stooge.

What if they got fists?! Like... Like, you know how some cats on here can talk? What if they got fists too? Not even hands-- just fists!

Then I will engage the deer in man-to-ma-- girl-to-deer combat and I will kick its ass. Its puny deerfists will be no match for my incredible talent for fucking things up!

Deer are, like, pure muscle. All you've got in bulk is hair and shitty coin powers. There is no way you'll win.

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;

audio;