I Guess That I Just Thought Maybe We Could Find New Ways to Fall Apart [Friday, January 23]

[dead_black_eyes]

Who: Lazarus Lawliet and Cesar Sanchez-Ortiz
What: Lazarus and Cesar go out drinking and then back to Cesar's place to watch Star Battles, which Lazarus has never seen.
Where: Cesar's place
When: Backdated to January 23, Friday
Warnings: Slightly drunk people, highly suggestive content



The last time they'd been out drinking, it had gone surprisingly well, even despite the strange and stressful lead-up. It wasn't every night that detective work required breaking into a house just to confirm what a cursory glance at the extermination van in the driveway would have revealed, and there were few strains of embarrassment that could quite compare... but Lazarus had suggested drinking at a dive bar, Cesar hadn't turned him down, and the evening had taken a better turn, considering.

They both liked science, and had found way too many things to say about it over shots and copper mugs of vodka and ginger beer. Though they'd seemed an odd pair, when they let their guards down around each other, it turned out that Lazarus and Cesar actually had a fair deal in common, to the point where Cesar had been open to doing it again at a later point... minus breaking into his coulrodendrobibliophiliac neighbor's house, of course.

Lazarus had found himself looking forward to the event, even regretting that he'd suggested two weeks instead of one. In that time, he found himself sending Cesar a few links to articles in science journals that had piqued his interest, realizing that it ultimately gave them more things to talk about, and by the time Friday the 23rd did come around, he arrived at the same dive bar slightly early, ordered the first round of drinks, and from there, got happy-drunk while discussing topics they'd apparently only grazed while drinking a couple of weeks prior. They even managed to get to those articles; a few drinks in, Cesar had brought up "Star Battles" again, a film that he recommended to Lazarus weeks ago. What started as a joke turned into a serious (if tipsy) suggestion for the remainder of the evening, and they'd settled up their tab, grabbed their coats, and gotten a cab back to Cesar's apartment.

Now, Lazarus leans against the wall as Cesar fishes for his keys outside his apartment. "Admit it, Robert Bakker was onto something in The Dinosaur Heresies. I favor T-Rex as a predator, not a scavenger."

Comments

[dead_black_eyes]

Over the course of his short life, L's made a lot of decisions that, with the benefit of hindsight, probably weren't such great ideas. In the grand scheme of all of his mistakes and regrets, this doesn't even register, and not just because it feels good in the present moment. He doesn't stand to lose a career, his freedom, or his life by sucking on Cesar's fingers; even the frozen dread of where those fingers might have been before ending up in his mouth isn't at the forefront of his mind. It actually gives him some sort of subversive, dirty thrill to think that he didn't try to coat Cesar's fingers in Purell beforehand. It's not the time or place to bring up tiny psychiatric victories, but it builds him up to wonder rather than worry about what else Cesar might have touched recently, and how.

He turns the rest of his body to face Cesar, tucking his feet and legs under him and sitting forward toward the other man, aware that his mouth is being watched. "Consistency isn't one of my strong points, which might make me seem like a bad scientist... but I like to think that I know something about chemistry. I'm all about getting a reaction."

[evowhisperer]

L's words draw another smile and silent huff that could be a laugh.

He finds himself turning to face him also, though it involves more upper body rotation than actually moving onto the couch: even with his added height, L's posture and position brings him level with Cesar's face. Cesar's still watching his lips. Is he as good a kisser as he is--whatever else he'd call that from before? He wants to know.

His left had has been holding a drink off to one side this whole time. It's going to spill if they get much more into this, and he lifts it, planning to set it aside--and then he stops to drink the rest of it before he does, downing it in a single breath. It was at least half a glass, and it burns the whole way down, warming him from the inside.

He puts it on the table and turns back to L, bringing his face closer to his. If L doesn't move back, he'll lift a hand to the other man's jaw, guiding him.

~~TIME SKIP~~ The Next Morning

[dead_black_eyes]

L's surprised he isn't more hungover than he is. He wakes up just as the Sun is beginning to rise on Cesar's couch feeling a little thirsty, and he runs a hand back through his tangled hair as he thinks back on the events of the night prior.

...oh.

...maybe some things are better processed after a cup of strong, black coffee. He straightens his clothes, tucking and fastening himself where he's hanging out or falling apart. Then, he shuffles toward the chair his jacket is draped over and fishes in the pockets for a stick of gum to ameliorate his stale breath. As he chews, he glances around at the apartment and all the things he's so immensely curious about.

He decides not to risk snooping, at least not while he's here in yesterday's clothes, with the scent of mingled sweat and sex clinging to him. As he puts on a pot of coffee and starts rifling around under the counters in the kitchen for a frying pan, he decides that even if he's not sure what he feels about the things they did, he at least doesn't feel bad, and hopefully, Cesar feels similarly.

As he's pulling the pan out of the cupboard, a notebook falls on its side. L stares at it for a second, curious, but also faint with hunger. He sets it atop a few boxes on the kitchen table; maybe after he's made a few plates of french toast and if Cesar isn't awake by then, he'll be bored and give it a glance. For now, he turns to the refrigerator, where he's happy to see eggs, milk and butter. He sets to work making batter, and he thinks he might have the ratio a little bit off, but cooking isn't an exact science or anything. He notices the rum from the night before, tips some into the egg mixture, and then shrugs and pours himself two fingers' worth. As he fires up the stove and begins the fine art of burning the hell out of breakfast, he mentally rehearses how to approach the night before with Cesar.

We had fun, right? It had been awhile, believe me I could tell.

No, maybe too coarse and suggestive for morning light.

I can be an adult about it if you can.

Too cold, impersonal, implying that it was a mistake to be moved past. Negative.

I really liked the movie last night.

Yes? Yes, it gave Cesar a chance to save face if he didn't want to address anything other than the movie, and an opening to bring it up if he did. L congratulates himself on his foresight and thoughtfulness as the kitchen steadily fills with smoke and the egg mixture peels off and sticks to the pan when he attempts to flip the slice.

[evowhisperer]

Cesar stays on the couch, apparently dead to the world. The blinds are closed, the cushions are actually quite comfortable, and he could probably sleep the rest of the day away, if he tried.

This is, of course, when the smoke detector goes off. The alarm is piercing, and it feels as though someone's driving a twin pair of nails straight into his skull. Cesar comes awake with a silent cry, a groggy flinch, and a brief attempt to smother himself on the nearest cushion. (No success.)

Wait. That's the fire alarm. There's several scents clinging to him right now, but he can smell smoke on top of it all, and he rolls onto his feet with the grace of an extremely hungover crocodile. The kitchen isn't far.

It's too bright in there. His eyes narrow to tired slits, and his hands are over his ears, unsuccessfully trying to blot out the misery. Someone else is in there, and they're already trying to get at the alarm, but Cesar can probably do it faster.

He turns off the stove, leaves the kitchen, and comes back with a chair.

[dead_black_eyes]

It's really loud; too much for L's sensitive ears on a normal good day, and even moreso when he's just slightly hungover. The french toast remains on the stove, where it continues to char happily, and L is going at the fire alarm with a screwdriver.

When he sees Cesar appear with the chair, he on top of it in seconds after shoving it against the wall, where he jams the flat end of the tool under the alarm and pries it off with a reckless cracking noise. The plastic splinters when it comes down on the kitchen's tile, and he steps down, carefully avoiding the sharp bits as he makes his way back toward the stove and flips the third piece of utterly wrecked french toast.

"I'm making breakfast," he explains unnecessarily. Then, thinking back to his prepared way of addressing the previous night, he adds, "I really liked the movie last night. Thanks for having me come all..."

Fuck you, Freud, fuck you and your cigars and your mother

"Over, thanks for having me come over."

As smoothly as he can muster, he reaches for that two fingers of rum and downs it.

[evowhisperer]

The smoke detector gets ripped off the wall, and the horrific din finally cuts out. His ears are still ringing. His head is still pounding. His eyes and mouth feel like sandpaper.

L is talking, so Cesar swings his gaze over to stare blearily towards him. Some of the lines on his face deepen minutely, but they soon soften, resting on his words and the smoking toast. Cesar's not much of a morning person on the best of days, but he puts a hand on L's shoulder, pats, and ends with an encouraging hold.

Then he reaches for the coffee maker, feeling slightly nauseous. Spiking his own drink with something extra had been a terrible idea, especially when he hadn't realized how long it had been since he'd last had anything that strong. He'll pull himself together during his first cup of coffee, hopefully. Until then, he's flinching at small noises, and squinting as though the overhead light were the noonday sun.

[dead_black_eyes]

Though the subtleties of Cesar's changing expression are lost on L and he stiffens initially when the other man puts a hand on his shoulder, the gesture is a kind one, definitely encouraging, and any possibility that he might regret any aspect of what they did together dissipates contentedly.

He notes where Cesar gets his coffee mug, reaching for one of his own and waiting his turn to get a brew he can only assume is strong enough to fuel Cesar's work load. He notices Cesar squinting and very helpfully turns off the kitchen light, failing to consider the implications that might have for pouring coffee.

[evowhisperer]

Cesar doesn't even look up as the light goes off, though he opens his eyes to a more comfortable width. There's light enough from the livingroom, as far as he's concerned, and it gives his eyes a more gentle time to adjust.

Something happened the night before, and he remembers a general conclusion that it was exhausting and good. More details float around haphazardly, but he needs at least a coffee and some advil before he's ready to sort them out. He reaches for the nearby coffee can, and glances down at the notebook it bumps.

Time stops. His heart stops, sounds temporarily cease, and the world runs slow while neurons fire in a frantic repeating loop. He puts the coffee can down and picks the notebook up, unable to look at anything else.

L found it. He must know what it means.

Is everything over?

[dead_black_eyes]

L rolls his coffee cup idly between his palms, going to the sink and filling it with water before reaching into his sweater pocket for a pill sorter, dumping Saturday's assorted pile into his palm. He glances Cesar's way as he tilts back another day's worth of relative sanity with a mouthful of water.

"That notebook was under the counter... the kitchen's not really a good place for one, is it?" he asks, leaning against the counter, full attention on the way Cesar's staring at the object in his hands. Is it a cookbook, maybe a journal...?

"If you want, I can come over next weekend and help you organize your apartment. I don't mind, and I'm really good at it," he offers, taking another sip of water.

[evowhisperer]

Cesar turns to him, questions clamoring in his eyes. What does he mean? Is this forgiveness? Is he deliberately playing it down, saying it's trivial--

--ah. Lazarus didn't open it, and he doesn't know.

... Howdoesn't want to pretend this is nothing, but he will. Self preservation is one of the only things he has left, in a lot of ways, and it's not very strong in the face of this. In front of him, clear evidence of why so many people were hurt, and why the quantity of Numbered might be dwindling. Behind and slightly off to one side? One of those same hurt people, oblivious and trusting.

Cesar takes the notebook, puts it in the drawer immediately below (it crowds in with some spatulas), and tries very hard not to throw up. The coffee--will his stomach handle the smell? He reaches for it again, going through the motions.

[dead_black_eyes]

He tries not to look too crestfallen at what he takes to be a rejection; it's not so bad, he reasons, lots of people are particular about their belongings. In fact, he is one of them, very much so, and should have unique insight to the situation.

But his eyes follow the notebook as Cesar slides it into the drawer. Oblivious he might be, but as Cesar well knows, once something's in his head, shaking him from the intention to pursue it is virtually impossible. His gaze lingers on the spatula drawer, then flickers to Cesar, who seems to be struggling.

"Sit..." he's at Cesar's side, nudging him slightly. "I'll take care of it." He grasps the coffee can himself, squaring his shoulders as he faces the counter, making it clear that it's a one-person job and he's got it covered, as the less hungover of the two of them.

"How much did you drink last night, anyway? I thought I was matching you pretty decently, and I'm actually kind of a lightweight..."

[evowhisperer]

Cesar hesitates, irrationally worried that L might yank the drawer open and seize the book again. Then he steps back, bringing the chair by the smoke detector with him to sit just out of the way. He's still close, right?

Urgh. Cesar rubs his face with one hand, pointing to the other counter when L asks. There's a few bottles out by a knife-board, including rum, tequila, and wine. The first two are slightly apart from the rest, and Cesar's expression is twisted with a clear grimace. He rests one elbow on one knee, putting his face in that hand.

[dead_black_eyes]

Knowing L, that worry actually isn't so irrational. His glance slides Cesar's way as the man sits very close by, instead of... say, out by the couch or the table.

Well, that's sweet, isn't it?

He glances at the counter Cesar indicates, snorting at the arrangement. "I thought so. What were you thinking?" he laughs gently, bending at the knees to watch the coffee drip into the waiting pot, his shoulder dangerously close to the cupboard where Cesar has stowed the incriminating, offending notebook.

"I guess... maybe it's a stupid question to ask what you remember, then."

[evowhisperer]

'Sweet'? He's been a younger brother, before. He knows what it is to snatch something back up as soon as someone else is out of range, and maturity in letting things go is not something he's charitable enough to expect.

L laughs, and Cesar breaths out through his nose, giving a wan, halfhearted twitch of a grin. It'd seemed like a good idea at the time, hadn't it? Something to relax with, make everything easier as he spent an evening explaining Star Battles to someone like Lazarus? Well, 'explaining' certainly wound up not being a problem. What specifically does he remember?

He slices one hand with the other. {Some.} Thinking. A crude gesture that is unmistakeable, accompanied by a fleeting, unwillingly pleased grin. (Those were some memories.) A pause, and very slight headtilt.

{Everything important.}

[dead_black_eyes]

In his heart of hearts, L probably understands that he is the type to make people want to drink more, if only to make his presence slightly more tolerable. And that's admittedly difficult, even after years of having essentially the same difficult personality. He can be endearing once a person has gotten past the initial abrasiveness... but the curiosity never goes away or lessens until it's been sated. This curiosity had been a boon during school, and had plunged him into a world of trouble the first time he'd been offered cocaine; it was a mixed-bag regarding his detective work, because on occasion, he is set up to pry into things that are bigger than he is and that can swallow him whole.

He's clever and curious and all kinds of determined... but his weaknesses are also extreme, and for those who are looking, there are cracks everywhere, easy ways to destroy him. One such crack is the fleeting but genuine grin at Cesar's gesture, surprise and delight apparent before he clears his throat and focuses his attention back on the coffee.

He can't even pretend to be unwilling or reluctant about it. It is a hell of a weakness.

Lining up two coffee mugs, he starts to pour, glancing up at Cesar again. "Well, you... know that I take cream, but what about you?"

[evowhisperer]

He hesitates, before signing, {cream, sugar,} followed by putting two fingers a very small distance apart. He'd take it straight up black, if he thought he needed it, but he's hesitantly hoping that this morning will be less harrowing than the past ten minutes were.

He didn't miss the delighted smile, or how clearly L is trying to be a helpful guest. It's a little much, especially at this hour (morning? noon?) and this hungover, but the thought has to count for something, right? It does. At the very least they can make some kind of friendship work, and if there's anything else--they can see how that develops in an organic way, can't they? Their last night wasn't so bad. ... Okay, the last night was unexpected and completely wild, but it was fun, and not in any way forced.

Maybe they can do more things like that? Just--naturally?

1/2

[dead_black_eyes]

L amiably goes for the cream and sugar, locating both with relative ease. He doesn't seem to have any idea of how high-strung Cesar's been, and actually looks relaxed and happy as he goes about the simple tasks. He even makes some chit-chat as he does so.

"You know, a year ago, from... last January, I think? That was when Ray hired me to work at Espresso Yourself. It was my first real job and I couldn't even lift a full pitcher of milk without dropping it, so that's where the brace came in and everything. I guess you don't really realize how much you take certain things for granted until you don't have them anymore, which is why I jump at the chance to do pretty much anything with my hands now. It seems kind of silly to most people, but..." he glances back Cesar's way with a vaguely sad smile as he opens the silverware drawer. "I guess you would understand, wouldn't you?"

2/2

[dead_black_eyes]

He turns back to the silverware drawer, intent on fishing out a spoon to stir in the sugar and cream, but a straight corner catches his eye, and he draws out an object that gets an exasperated sigh.

"Cesar, the kitchen is not the place for books..."

This time, he opens it to a random page rather than setting it aside or waiting for Cesar to take it from him, but that random page has made him blanch, and compels him to flip to other pages. His eyes devour their contents until they fall on words that confirm what he knows, has known for months ever since Fuyuka had given him the information. His own name is written there, framed in a context that's still hollowly devastating months later, and furthermore, it comes with a pulse: his breath catches as his mind is flooded with the memory of a notebook with a black cover, and the names of thousands of victims written on its pages.

[evowhisperer]

Remember that bit about playing keep-away with his older brother? Cesar has appeared at L's side, and he snatches the book from L's hands, tired of being ignored. He keeps it open to the same page, scanning it--

... What?

He flips to the cover and snaps through the first pages, looking for identifiers, before darting back.

What?

No. Where did he get this? It looks like a handwritten journal, and his eyes fell across the same words L's did, catching highlights. Now he reads more carefully, trying to understand. He avoids the signature after the first time, turning briefly to L, accusing. Then he's back to the book, agitation worsening. None of this is true, he's trying to mentally insist it away. (The attempt fails.)

It doesn't make sense. He knew Chuck didn't have anything to do with his own crimes, so why does anything like this exist? Who wrote it? Worst of all, is there any chance in hell that it's remotely real? He doesn't want it to be, more than anything, but it's difficult to argue with the writing that's staring him in the face.

What's more painful: blaming yourself for some of the most horrible crimes you can imagine, or finding out that someone you thought you were protecting was undeniably involved in them?

[dead_black_eyes]

The pulse has him occupied enough that he makes no attempt to prevent the notebook from being yanked from his hands. They both fall limp at his sides; he's seen enough of the book to know the gist of the contents, and it's not new to him, but it was information that Cesar had denied. It had actually driven a very real wedge between them, causing L to pull away from the topic then. Had he been wrong to allow Cesar his denial?

"I'd ask what that's doing here, and why you didn't tell me you knew..." he says softly, stirring his coffee numbly with a teaspoon. "But I get the feeling this is the first time you've seen it, too."

Time to process is probably in order; L is silent, doing his best to give it to him.

[evowhisperer]

{Did you write this?}

Cesar mouths the words while he signs, pointing sharply at the notebook. Then he opens it again, paging through it as though he might find some clue. Maybe there's a section where the handwriting shifts, or the contents turn to page-filling nonsense for the sake of appearances.

He finds none of what he's looking for, and his shoulders bow a little more.

[dead_black_eyes]

L's hands are immediately at chest-level, palms facing outward, an expression of denial and revulsion darkening his features. "No. Even if I did, where would I have kept it? You saw what I brought in last night," he says defensively. "You felt it, I didn't have a book on me then and nothing changed that would have given me one this morning..."

He seems just as disturbed by the notebook as Cesar does, though he was previously aware of what the contents revealed, and he eyes it with mistrust and distaste as Cesar flips through it.

"I don't take pleasure in this," he adds as a soft afterthought. "I didn't want to convince you, once I knew how strongly you felt. Everyone has something they don't want to know the truth about," he offers helplessly, fingers twitching; he wants to pull the book out of Cesar's hands and toss it on the stove.

[evowhisperer]

Lazarus knew he was right, but would have let Cesar keep his comfortable delusion. Had Cesar really been so naive? Cesar flips the book closed without prompting, and takes the other notebook out from the drawer he'd picked at random. The drawer gets closed back halfway, and Cesar makes to go past L to the kitchen door.

He doesn't want to deal with these right now. He'll handle this later, when he's not hungover and Lazarus isn't there.

[dead_black_eyes]

"Wait..."

He moves to intercept Cesar's path, wedging his thin body between the other man and the door. He knows that the book has nothing to do with him, aside from detailing how his name and alibi were blithely handed over to people who could do some real damage with them. That means that either both of them are faultless, or Cesar knew about the notebook and placed it there himself. If that's true...

"I know it's confusing, and I'm sorry," he says, talking fast, trying to think faster. "I don't know what that book is or where it's from, but I've heard parts of it before, I've lived them, and if you let me help you try to figure this all out, I can read through both of those notebooks and we can try to piece it together. I can help with this..." he extends a hand for the notebooks, hesitantly, as though part of him believes it will be knocked roughly away.

[evowhisperer]

Cesar hesitates. The fact that he wants to deal with this later hasn't faded, and after a few seconds he shifts a little to the side, reaching for L's shoulder. He won't push him out of the way, but he's hoping the neutral, unspoken cues will be enough.