savetheearth | [video, backdated to 12/5-ish] look it's 3 am you can't expect quality art from me right now

[The video opens with just a steady shot of the following flyer.]

[except pretend it's not as shit. or pretend it is EXACTLY as shit as it is.

After it's been up long enough to fully soak in all the details, it zooms away from the image and focuses on Jovan's face. He is wearing a huge black cape with a popped collar over a T-shirt that has like three different food stains on it.]

I hope you've all got life insurance because I am about to blow your fucking minds here with this new magic show I scored at one of the casinos! That's right, folks, Jovan Burzek, the man himself, will be up on stage pulling an infinite amount of dildos out of a hat. Free souvenirs after the show, eh?

Oh, and if one of you could be pregnant and show up to my first night, that'd be great. I'm plannin' on helping deliver a baby, except the baby's going to be the anti-Christ. [He holds his hands out as though he's holding an invisible child and grins in a manner that can best be described as 'diabolical.'] Speaking backwards in tongues with three heads and goat horns and all. That'll get my career off to a roaring start!

Just one thing: you all have to call me Angus O'Malley now. That's my story. I'm an Irish magician who's still learning to speak English like a normal person, alright? So nobody blow my cover!

[Never mind the fact that he already sounds painfully Irish as it is. He looks DEAD SERIOUS about this.

Speaking of dead serious....]

Oh, and one last thing--check me out on Vine, yeah? [He grins and winks, looking about as charming as he possibly can now.] Spread the word, if you can. I'm trying to break their servers with how big this is going to get--Buzzfeed's got nothing on this!

[He holds up a slip of paper next to his innocent grinning cherub-like face with "squirtinglemonjuiceintodeathseyes" written on it. Should anyone choose to check that Vine username, they will see...a series of five vines, each of them showing Jovan dying a variety of gruesome, yet creative deaths while he shouts "I DID IT FOR THE VINE!". The account has three million followers so far, and appears to gain about another 20k every time the page is refreshed.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ugh, pass. Your ridiculous and completely classless attempts at entertainment are an affront to everything good and decent.

[And here she goes, muttering something derogatory about his family in Romanian.]

[He can't quite make out what it is she's saying--it sounds familiar, but not quite. Funny thing, though, tone is a lot more universal.]

Oy now, if you're going to say something, say it to me in a language I can understand!

Hmm... No. Try and guess, will you?

[And of course she decides it might be funny to make him guess.]

Oh, that's how it's going to go, is it? Well, two can play at that game!

[Jovan, in broken Czech, tells her that he will curse her so that whenever she hits puberty, she won't grow any breasts and will remain a flat-chested virgin forever.]

And what was that just now?

[Well, unfortunately for him, he's already too late.]

Well, you'll just have to figure that out for yourself, won't you?

[For her second Czech Challenge: "Not so arrogant now, eh?"]

Hmph, whatever it is, I doubt it's true.

[Voice]

grannyfucker - 2014-12-16 07:34 (UTC) - Expand

[Welp. That was.... uh.]

Uh.... Wow.

What part of it?

...All of it?

Well that's not very specific, come on, I need something to work with here! Constructive criticism, isn't that the very first thing they teach you in school?

Uh, well...I...

[...]

Do you have to... keep killing yourself?

[He looks personally offended by this.]

Well, people aren't going to watch Vines of me sitting around doing nothing, now, are they? People are looking for a THRILL in their six second video loops! A bloody, gory THRILL!

charcoalfeather - 2014-12-16 05:05 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-16 07:36 (UTC) - Expand

charcoalfeather - 2014-12-17 06:38 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-18 07:55 (UTC) - Expand

I'm not entirely sure why this offends me so much, aside from your casual denial of death in the name of YouTube subscriptions. Still, I think I need to see your show at least once. If only to get an idea of how insane this is going to be, Mr. O'Malley.

Eh, what's the matter with it? It's not like I actually die proper, it's no worse than breaking a leg! In fact, I heal faster from dying than breaking a leg, so really, this is just a papercut! Not my fault plenty of people want to watch me get papercuts!

But anyway, good choice on the show. Does this mean you're volunteering to be my pregnant woman?

Right. That's what I have a problem with. Immortality isn't something to be paraded around like that, is it? Even if you heal rapidly, you're still doing things the average person checks themselves before they do. Is that a good idea? What if it only works under certain conditions, or a limited number of times? You're going to end up in a hard place.

...I think I'll content myself with being in the crowd for the show, though.

Jesus, what are you, the fun police? Calm down! I'm immortal, alright? I'm pretty much the only person in the world qualified to be doing this shit!

I can't say I've heard that one before, but it fits. I'll be the first to tell you I'm not a fun person. And I understand that you're immortal, or at least that you're very convincingly similar to that. Just don't take it for granted.

[he scoffs.]

If I were taking it for granted, I wouldn't be putting it to good use and killing myself every other day!

(no subject)

truthcharted - 2014-12-24 03:43 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-25 09:33 (UTC) - Expand

truthcharted - 2014-12-26 06:24 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-28 07:29 (UTC) - Expand

...okay that dying thing is kinda sick, but fuck, I guess people are sick too right? So uh, have fun entertaining them.

Sorry about not being able to be, you know, pregnant at all when this goes down.

Aw, really? You sure? You won't let me try and knock you up a few times before my show to see if we can't get this ball rolling?

Sorry, taken! By a girl, which is what totally spoils your whole plan. I don't got no time for that pregnancy shit.

I'm sure we can change that.

Not any time soon that's for sure. Your princess is in another castle.

But this could be your big break! I could make you famous.

voice

dragon_blossom - 2014-12-20 06:03 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-20 08:08 (UTC) - Expand

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grannyfucker - 2014-12-21 08:38 (UTC) - Expand

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grannyfucker - 2014-12-21 20:41 (UTC) - Expand

dragon_blossom - 2014-12-22 03:37 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-25 09:32 (UTC) - Expand

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grannyfucker - 2014-12-28 07:27 (UTC) - Expand

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grannyfucker - 2014-12-30 09:30 (UTC) - Expand

dragon_blossom - 2014-12-30 17:26 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2014-12-31 08:41 (UTC) - Expand

dragon_blossom - 2014-12-31 16:19 (UTC) - Expand

grannyfucker - 2015-01-01 06:33 (UTC) - Expand

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