030 ♦ voice, action

[peacefulwinter]

It's been two days since their trip to the Christmas Market, and while Winter had enjoyed that immensely, there'd been a certain thing nagging at her on the way back, and it's been weighing on her mind since then. On the outside, she's been mostly cheery since Saturday, but... tonight, she's feeling a little melancholy, and she knows exactly why. One year ago tomorrow, something began that she hadn't enjoyed. Something she'd much rather never have experienced. Something that had fundamentally changed her. And the fact that she was still dwelling on it annoyed her even more than the fact that it'd come up at all.

This afternoon, she'd gone into the town for a cup of coffee, trying to shake Lily so she could brood in privacy, but not particularly minding if her partner found her. Her dismal mood was almost visible as she sipped at a mug of some kind of latte; she hadn't been paying particular attention when she'd ordered it, and she spent some time just looking into the steaming mug. She felt like she'd been drifting through her life for the last day or so - the last few weeks, really, with limited exceptions - and it bothered her that something that, in effect, never actually happened could get her so down. She'd hoped to see a friendly face, someone that she could talk to without having to talk to Lily and pour her heart out as she always seemed to, but whether she managed to find anyone or not, she'd just intended to spend some time in the European air.

Not that her afternoon out ended up making much of a difference. She's still almost as frustrated as she was to begin with, and the chilly day hadn't really helped things. As she takes off her coat, the end of her scarf catches her eye, and she just stares at it for a moment. She'd felt so carefree, two days ago, yet this entire month was going to be a trial for her. This time last year, she'd still been on the student council, still been blissfully ignorant about the way her classmates felt about her. And it felt like everything had changed in an instant. Her entire life had been upturned, and for weeks she'd just wanted to curl up in a ball and die somewhere, shamed and forgotten. Things had gotten better, but... had she just replaced everything with a new position to be removed from? Would "magical girl" be a title that haunted her, a year from now? Would she hurt Lily with something she did? Something she was? She couldn't bear that, and-

Shaking herself, Winter pushes that train of thought aside. That was a road she wasn't ready to go down just yet. No, for now... maybe someone else remembered what tomorrow was. Someone that could help take her mind off her dark thoughts. Dialing her number into her cell phone, she speaks quietly, if a bit less calmly than usual. "It's already December, isn't it? Time goes by so fast... and it brings some things I would rather not remember. Tomorrow will be a whole year since the police came into the high school. That was... not a good day for any of us." Some of the people that had been taken in weren't even on the network anymore, but still, it was a story to relate. For those that couldn't relate it themselves. "It was scary, knowing that the police were still out to kill us, then. Knowing that we couldn't run. And now it's the same way again. A place we thought was safe - our own homes - isn't safe at all." Her tone shakes a little; there are some scars here that haven't quite healed. She swallows hard, audibly, and takes a deep breath.

"Sorry. I'm not entirely comfortable with what happened a year ago, still. I didn't mean to be quite so depressing, when everyone's thinking about Christmas, and being together with their loved ones, and enjoying the season." All things she should be doing herself, considering the alternative. Which she's been doing now. "Anyway... I think I'm going to do something to take my mind off things. I haven't gone to Vegas in a few days, so I should probably get back to helping fix things like I said I would, or at least being there for people to see. Does anyone want to get together? We can meet up for lunch or something. Let me know..." She trails off; it takes conscious effort not to add something about people not having to if they don't want to. That would be a major backslide on the progress she'd made after all this time. "Thanks for listening to me ramble. Um, good night, everyone."

Ending the 'call', Winter lets herself fall back onto her bed in the hotel room she shares with Lily, curling up slightly. Even if she'd said a lot, she didn't really feel much better - if anything, she'd unsettled herself further. But... that was almost an expected outcome, considering the topic. Sighing, she lets the phone fall from her hands and stares at it for a long while, holding Raquel tight to her chest.

True to her word, around 11 AM local time the next day, Winter pops into being in Sin City via Project Jump. She's dressed to work, in jeans and a long-sleeve shirt that's seen better days, but for the moment she's just heading for the Strip, seeing if anyone's going to meet her after all. A small part of her mind sneers that she's getting her hopes up, but realistically, she's trying hard not to let things keep her down. There's too much to do, and too many people that care about her, for her to stay depressed too long.

Comments

action, 12/1;

[alilyinthemoonslight]

It's not like Lily hadn't noticed. Or probably saw it coming, all things considered. In fact, she'd just been talking about it with Jasmine the other week. Even with all of the terrible things that were going on elsewhere, she knew what this month had done to Winter the previous year, mentally - just where it put her state of mind. Collectively, she liked to hope and believe both Jasmine's actions and her own had done a lot to counteract that, but... It still can't be fun to remember, and some things happening now are rather unpleasant reminders of all that.

She's gotten to be able to recognize some of Winter's moods pretty well, over the past year. It's hard not to, as much time as they've spent around one another. She wants to just smother her with love and affection and honestly, past experience has shown that to work to some degree, but for the earlier parts of the day she leaves her to her devices mostly. She hangs around a little bit, but doesn't push, doesn't pry. Just keeping within arms reach here and there, just to let her know even without words she's there.

But she tries not to hover, not then. When the message goes out and she flops down, curling up, Lily's had just about enough then, peeking out around a corner and watching her quietly. She doesn't say anything at first, but just moves to the bed, sits down beside her... and reaches out, practically trying to scoop her up into her arms. Between the height difference, Winter's position, and Lily's recently enhanced strength this probably isn't terribly difficult.

And... at first, she doesn't say anything, just holding her.

[peacefulwinter]

Winter had noticed Lily's presence, certainly. And if she were being totally honest, if her mental state were even a little bit better, she would have appreciated it a lot more. But as she was, Lily represented someone else she could hurt with a mistake. So while she wanted to accept Lily's hovering for what it was, it had been at least a small motivator in her trip out that afternoon.

So when evening came and she'd made the network post, she'd exhausted her desire to keep fighting against herself. She wasn't even sure she was sad at this point, or even angry. She just felt... empty, almost. And not even the kind of empty that meant her other was going to share something useful. Just the more mundane, lonely sort of empty.

Until Lily slides next to her, at least. She wants to take the excuse to break down and cry, to dump all her feelings on her girlfriend in an effort to make herself feel better (or at least explain why she's being such a pain to deal with). But though the emptiness clears, it's replaced with an... almost numb feeling. Her demons are dancing in front of her eyes, just out of reach, ready to pounce as soon as Lily stops paying attention, or as soon as Winter opens herself to the memories again. For now, though, she leans into the contact, glad for the slight break.

And even if she's not quite prepared to talk much yet, she opens with the warning that will color how she proceeds. If she proceeds. "Are you sure this is okay? The next mistake... might not be something I can protect you from. Am I... worth that much?" Internally, she grimaces; she sounds even more pathetic than she'd anticipated. If she thought it'd help, she'd slap herself into a better state of mind.

[alilyinthemoonslight]

Lily sighs a little, but it's not out of annoyance. She knows very well that between the two of them, they've both had their moments. The times they've felt downtrodden, weakened, helpless. Somehow, they'd both managed to prop each other up every one of those times in the past twelve months. Lily has every intent that's what will keep happening.

"You know better than to ask me that," she says gently, reaching out and stroking Winter's hair. "We've been down that road, Winter Adamas. I'll tell you now what I've told you then, and that is... You're worth everything to me. I've rarely been more certain of anything else my whole life. Maybe the next mistake is something I'll have to save you from. Or maybe Jasmine will. Or Marina. It might be surprising to hear this from me, but if we let that worry dictate us... we can never move forward, in anything."

She shakes her head. "You're okay, Winter. This is okay. This has been a long year, and you've been through a lot. We've been through a lot. But no matter what happens..." She leans in closer, almost whispering now. "No matter what we've faced, I wouldn't trade the last twelve months of my life for anything, because that would mean missing out on you. No matter what's happened, I also have something precious I couldn't possibly replace and wouldn't have otherwise. So... yes. This is okay, and yes. You're worth all of that and more."

[peacefulwinter]

This time, it sinks in a little better. Letting herself relax just a little bit as Lily reassures her (again, a part of her mind nags; she kindly instructs it to take a hike), Winter quietly takes in everything her most important person says to her. Most of it she's heard before, and just tends to forget sometimes, but it helps a lot to hear it aloud, too. After a long moment of letting herself unwind, she looks over at her girlfriend, with a slight, crooked smile. "Hopefully, there won't be something else either of us needs to do any saving from. But if it does happen... I know you'll be there for me."

She's silent again for a second, though, and when she does speak, it's soft and not directed at Lily specifically. "Tomorrow night, one year ago, I was laying in a jail cell, wondering what the hell I'd done wrong. I never figured it out... maybe I should have kept asking questions. Kept calling people. I had plenty of blood to bleed for it."

As the words leave her mouth, Winter recognizes she's probably going to get questioned on it. But she doesn't care at this point. By the time the first few weeks of December are over, she's going to feel like a wrung-out towel anyway. May as well be her fault, and if she's going to talk to anyone about it (Toushirou possibly aside, as the only remaining person on the network she'd had contact with that day), it may as well be Lily.

[alilyinthemoonslight]

Feeling Winter relax against her at least tells Lily she's done something halfway right, hopefully. She continues to stroke her hair, face hovering close, and not really pulling away in any capacity. She just tries to smile warmly. "And I know you'll be there for me. That's what matters the most, Winter. Whenever I've needed you, in one way or another, you've been there. So you can bet damned well I'm going to do the same. Be it now or anytime in the future." She pauses a moment. "Hopefully that last part is a long, long time, as well."

With what Winter adds next however, her eyes widen a little. She sighs again, but leans down a little bit more, just far enough to bump her forehead against Winter's.

"But you know now. It was because of awful people, and things beyond our control. You did nothing wrong. What you did was still right, and honestly..." Her hand slips from Winter's hair to her cheek. "I've probably told you this before, but the willingness to do that is one of the first things I admired about you, besides your kindness. I'd have fallen for you regardless, I'm sure, but... there are people who appreciate it. Appreciate you. Jasmine and I both knew then you were someone we could trust, even if it became in very different ways... and first coming on to the Network, I didn't know who to trust. Why I should trust them."

Her smile widens a little bit. "I trusted you first, because without even using any power or magic, you tried to help people. That's what's important. And knowing that there was at least one person like that, it allowed me to start trusting a lot more people, when I'd had a lot of trouble really, truly doing that outside my family for a good while before then."

Voice

[icy_heavens]

[... She's still so bothered by that?]

Not so sure that's what most of us are thinking about, really. [Holidays? When they've got the mafia on their tails? Nevermind he also doesn't think the plan that's being put into effect is a good idea right now. And that there's no stopping it from going ahead.]

[peacefulwinter]

I can understand that, too. We have other concerns on the table. But... I should at least be worrying about problems in the present, not things in the past, right?

I assume you're thinking about our upcoming operation.

[icy_heavens]

[He does remember that day, how angry he'd been about it all . . . how worried about her he'd been. But so much had happened since then that he'd put it aside.] I guess I can see the parallel, but yeah.

Kind of hard to think about much else.

[peacefulwinter]

It's... kind of hard not to, really. I feel like so much can go wrong so quickly... and we have so, so much to lose if it does. It's not just me, or a few of us... mmn. [She lets out a small sound of discomfort, wanting nothing more to bury her face in her pillow. Not Toushirou's fault, even if it was him that said it.]

I'm not entirely... comfortable with what's planned, but there are voices louder than mine driving the response. All I can do is hope for the best and do what I can, I guess.

12/2

[scarlet_devil]

Emilia decided to send back a brief message for Winter to expect her at the given time. Like Winter had said, she was going to help 'fix things' which gave Emi a thought... Perhaps she too, should consider joining the girl, since she's now a resident of Vegas for now.

Emi arrives fashionably late, dressed expensively as always with her parasol in hand to ward off the light of day. The second she spots Winter, she raises a hand in greeting, naturally exuding her usual confidence...

[peacefulwinter]

Winter smiles when she sees Emi coming, raising a hand to wave to her. She stifles a bit of embarrassment at how underdressed she suddenly feels, calling, "Emilia! Good to see you!"

It doesn't even occur to her that Emi is late - she's here, and really, that's what matters.

[scarlet_devil]

Well, to be fair, she was only late by five minutes or so, but in the end, she still came out to meet Winter. "Likewise, Winter. How are you?"

Within moments, the vampire joins the other girl, wondering what else she had planned for today.

[peacefulwinter]

The fact that someone came to see her is helping to bolster her confidence - and her enthusiasm - quite a bit. "I'm doing better than I was yesterday, to be sure." And she looks it; Winter hadn't shown her face yesterday on purpose, but you'd be hard-pressed to find proof now that she'd been in a very somber mood just last night. "Yourself? Are things... well, nothing is really going okay for us these days, but is life at least reasonable?"

[disdainfully]

Many of us can't be with their loved ones this season.

[Even if Nick's plan succeeds, his family will still be split up across continents. He just has to believe that it will, but even then, it's unsure what the outcome will be. All that he knows is that it will change things, and that it is a fight for their home.]

[peacefulwinter]

Mm, that's true as well... I'm sorry, that's a little bit inconsiderate of me to say, and I didn't even think of it until you brought it up. [She's at a bit of a loss; the one thing she's never really been is alone, since she'd lived with her parents in Locke right up until she moved in with her girlfriend.]

[disdainfully]

Not terribly so.

But you should think of it next time.

[peacefulwinter]

Absolutely. I have no desire to make the same mistake twice.

Although... it seems like we have a fight to get through first. I can't say I'm looking forward to the fallout from that.

[jasminebloominginshadow]

[Jasmine isn't there right when Winter gets back, but only because she figures Winter needs to spend as much time with Lily as she can first. Jasmine is important to Winter, yeah, but she knows who comes first in the grand scheme of things.

So, once enough time has passed, Jasmine calls Winter up to make plans]

Hey Winter... I saw what all you said. I was wondering... wondering if we could meet up for lunch or something.

[peacefulwinter]

[Winter appreciates what Jasmine's doing, to be sure. But at the same time, there's a certain loneliness in her heart that even Lily can't quite shake alone. So when Jasmine's call comes in, she brightens a little bit.]

I'd like that, Jasmine. In fact... do you have some time tonight? I know it's a little on the late side, but there are certain things Lily isn't great at helping with. [There's a certain mischievous tone in her voice, knowing her girlfriend can probably hear her right now.] And I'll probably end up a little bit busy tomorrow, and I want to be able to give you my full attention.

[jasminebloominginshadow]

[Jasmine laughs softly, nodding even though Winter probably can't hear it]

Sure. Let's go somewhere nice... I always enjoy a chance to throw my dad's money around.

[peacefulwinter]

[She can't hear the nod, but the laugh communicates it well enough anyway.] That sounds good. Would you prefer to stay around here, or go back to Vegas and find something creative?

[It's one thing to enjoy the local cuisine, but having basically instant access to one of the most tourism-heavy districts in the world means you have options for dinner, and Winter's the sort to enjoy exploring.]

[Audio]

[dead_black_eyes]

I'm not thinking about Christmas. I never do; I'm sort of Jewish.

That being said I'm not thinking about Hanukkah, either. A lot's going on. I can't leave and go to Vegas, but I really hope you have a good time.

[peacefulwinter]

[Despite herself, Winter giggles lightly.] Sort of Jewish? I didn't think there were... levels of that.

And I know you can't. You have specific things you have to do. People who need you here. I understand that. I appreciate it, too. But I... the only person I have that depends on me like that is traveling with me. Is living with me.

I told the world before that I would take responsibility for my actions. I have a duty to keep making good on that. That's... why I have to go to Vegas. I would be a hypocrite otherwise.

[dead_black_eyes]

[She laughs, and that's OK, because it is sort of funny.]

There are "levels of" anything. My father was Jewish, my mother was not, which makes me not Jewish by birth, if you get really technical about it. My parents both died before I was two months old and my Jewish uncle raised me Jewish, which makes me Jewish by upbringing even if my grandparents weren't nuts about me because they really hated my late mother. We observed but not always... correctly? One year my uncle forgot it was my birthday and didn't get me a cake, so he had me blow out the menorah, and that was really weird. I speak Hebrew and eat Kosher. I don't believe in God, but I like the ritual and habits. So... sort of Jewish.

[...]

...Do what you have to, to not be a hypocrite.

[peacefulwinter]

Really, though... you can follow things as much or as little as you want, right? So if you're making the effort to be a good Jewish person, it should count. At least, that's what I think. Still, that is definitely sort of Jewish.

And that's what I'm hoping for. Certain things have kept me from doing as much as I'd like, but I want to see if there's still something to be done. While I still can. While there's still time, before everything falls apart.