Toshirou Katase (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
redelivers) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
savetheearth2013-05-14 11:44 pm
redelivers) wrote in savetheearth2013-05-14 11:44 pm
Entry tags:
somebody help me through this nightmare
WHO: Toshi and Hajime
WHAT: Becoming a vampire is all fun and games until someone goes completely insane and becomes a mindless killing machine.
WHEN: Now-ish, sure. Nowish sounds good.
WHERE: Toshi's bedroom in Sano's apartment.
[ It's been getting worse.
There are good days and there are bad days, but steadily over the past week Toshi has noticed that this terrible emptiness, this terrible thirst has been growing worse and worse.
At first it was just the pain, terrifying and searing, burning through his veins. It would pass if he just choked it down, if he grit his teeth and forced himself to bear through it. Then it intensified, took longer to shake off. Before long Toshi found that the mere idea of blood would make his mouth water and his hands shake, and he'd feel such desperation to tear apart the next living thing he came across that he would have to find somewhere to be alone until it passed.
Now it's here again, and he's genuinely afraid that Sano will be in danger if this gets worse before it gets better. Biting back a dry sob at the sheer state of himself, he fumbles with his phone until he manages to pull it out of his pocket. By some miracle he gets through the contacts list and finds Hajime's number. There's no one else he knows to turn to. No one else he feels he can trust, not with this.
His eyes light on the mostly healed cut on his arm, and he knows if it comes down to it, there would be no one he would rather have standing between him and the rest of the world should he lose to this emptiness consuming him. ]
its bad. come over.
[ It's all he manages to type before he shakily hits 'send.' Then he buries his face against the pillow he has clutched to his chest, letting out a muffled scream. He can't feel anything but the pain. He can't think through it and he can't remember how to breathe. It burns through his mind, scorching away his thoughts, his inhibitions, his reason. Sooner or later--
Sooner or later he's going to forget why he has to hold back.
He has to hold back.
He can't do this.
Not to Sano.
Not to anyone. ]
WHAT: Becoming a vampire is all fun and games until someone goes completely insane and becomes a mindless killing machine.
WHEN: Now-ish, sure. Nowish sounds good.
WHERE: Toshi's bedroom in Sano's apartment.
[ It's been getting worse.
There are good days and there are bad days, but steadily over the past week Toshi has noticed that this terrible emptiness, this terrible thirst has been growing worse and worse.
At first it was just the pain, terrifying and searing, burning through his veins. It would pass if he just choked it down, if he grit his teeth and forced himself to bear through it. Then it intensified, took longer to shake off. Before long Toshi found that the mere idea of blood would make his mouth water and his hands shake, and he'd feel such desperation to tear apart the next living thing he came across that he would have to find somewhere to be alone until it passed.
Now it's here again, and he's genuinely afraid that Sano will be in danger if this gets worse before it gets better. Biting back a dry sob at the sheer state of himself, he fumbles with his phone until he manages to pull it out of his pocket. By some miracle he gets through the contacts list and finds Hajime's number. There's no one else he knows to turn to. No one else he feels he can trust, not with this.
His eyes light on the mostly healed cut on his arm, and he knows if it comes down to it, there would be no one he would rather have standing between him and the rest of the world should he lose to this emptiness consuming him. ]
its bad. come over.
[ It's all he manages to type before he shakily hits 'send.' Then he buries his face against the pillow he has clutched to his chest, letting out a muffled scream. He can't feel anything but the pain. He can't think through it and he can't remember how to breathe. It burns through his mind, scorching away his thoughts, his inhibitions, his reason. Sooner or later--
Sooner or later he's going to forget why he has to hold back.
He has to hold back.
He can't do this.
Not to Sano.
Not to anyone. ]
no subject
- but it isn't in Hajime's nature to ignore something on the off chance that it's going to be stupid, for better or for worse, and so he pauses midway to fish his phone from his pocket, squinting at the screen.
And then his laundry is abandoned and he's out the room, not even stopping to close the door on the dryer.
There's only one thing that message can possibly mean, coming from Toshi, and that's been nagging at him ever since the gallery. How long can he go? How often is this going to happen?
What will it take for him to just - do it?
He's not sure how long it is before he's at Sano's door, panting from running up the stairs - not long, more than likely, and yet it feels like too long - and for once, he forgoes etiquette and barges straight in, making a beeline for the door he remembers being Toshi's. He taps lightly, more as a warning than as a request for permission, and pushes it open, slipping inside and closing it behind him.]
...Toshi?
[It still feels a little strange to him, every time he says it.
(He tried to call Toshi "Mr. Katase," back when they first met and Hajime started showing up around the office to walk Souji home. Toshi shot that down like it was the first day of hunting season.)
But as much as part of him keeps wanting to call Toshi "sir," sometimes he has a feeling that Toshi doesn't want to hear that, either.]
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[ At the sound of someone coming in, Toshi looks up sharply, worried for that split second before Hajime comes into view that he'd woken Sano. He visibly relaxes as he sees Hajime standing there instead, though his relief is short-lived as finding himself in the same room as another warm body abruptly proves to be more taxing than he could've imagined.
Even from over here, he can smell something agonizingly enticing in the air. He shudders, withdrawing further into the corner of the room he's put himself in, his back to the wall for support to even stay upright. ]
Don't come any closer. I-- I need you to go in the kitchen. Get a knife.
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Part of him is sure that he's just making sure Hajime is ready to deal with him, if things take a turn for the worse.
He isn't sure how to tell Toshi that it doesn't matter if he's armed or not. He's fairly sure there's no such thing as being ready to deal with this.
So he doesn't tell him. He slips into the kitchen without a word, finds a knife, and reenters the room. Door closed behind him, again, as he stays by the door and waits for permission to - come closer, help Toshi, stop Toshi -
- permission to do something.
He tries not to think about what "something" will amount to.]
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...you can't let me leave this room. Sano's just across the hall, asleep. I can't be allowed to leave. Understand?
[ He's breathing a little hard, flexing his hands as he tries to maintain a vice grip on his self control. If he lets his mind wander even the smallest bit, he can taste Hajime's skin against his tongue. He can feel the softness of it, the fragility, how he can turn that knife that Hajime has in his hands and carve through it like warm butter. He could have a warm, gushing river of blood upon his lips, upon his skin, inside and outside, until he's broken through every boundary of Hajime's being. Until he doesn't know where he ends and Hajime begins and Hajime is wholly, utterly his and fills all the voids this hunger has eaten away within him.
He can have all of it, all of it--
Toshi shudders, gagging at his own thoughts. He hunches over, letting out another breathless, tearless sob. He claws at the ground choking on his breath, unable to even look at Hajime. He can't live like this. He can't. He can live with so many things, so many infinite regrets and disappointments and feelings of hopelessness, but he can't live with this.
He can see the whiteness of his hair hanging down over his face and it makes him laugh even though it really makes him want to cry. But he laughs, and it's a bitter, empty, desperate sound. ]
...what do I look like to you, Hajime...?
What the hell do I look like now...?
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He can't do it.
He can't.
But he understands, and that's enough.
The second question is harder. It would be harder even if the first question didn't leave him feeling like there weren't any words left in him.
But silence isn't enough. Silence just leaves blanks for Toshi to fill on his own, and it doesn't take much to guess how Toshi's mind is filling them.]
...it doesn't matter.
[It feels like a mistake as soon as he says it, but he can't think of anything to do but to press on. To finish the thought he's committed himself to, and pray that if it's a mistake, that it's at least not as big of one as it would be to say nothing.]
I'm not leaving until you look...like you again.
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Keep talking. He needs Hajime to keep talking. ]
Hajime, don't-- Tell me something else-- Tell--
...tell me about your day. Souji didn't... give you a bunch of crap, did he? Just-- Just talk. Tell me everything.
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At least if he can keep up the appearance, maybe that'll be enough for Toshi.]
...he keeps texting me.
[Hajime isn't used to saying much. He doesn't really have many personal relationships. There are people he sees in class, who he exchanges words with about homework and deadlines and the weather. Superficial things. There are his parents, who he talks to about grades and whether he'll come by for dinner on Sunday and how it's never too early to get a jump on studying for the MCAT. Students he tutors - balancing equations and chemical reactions.
The only person he really talks to for the sake of talking to is Souji, and even that doesn't go far when he and Souji know each other so well the words are hardly necessary.
But by god, he'll try, and so he tries to just - say something. Even if it's all stupid insignificant details he normally wouldn't think twice about, let alone tell anyone else about.]
He says we should get a pet lion.
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[ The fog in his mind seems to finally be lifting. He latches on to that slightly odd phrasing, even as he tries to force his breaths to even out. His hands are still shaking, but not as badly as they were. He chases his thoughts away from his condition, focusing instead on Hajime. On the sound of his voice.
After another moment's pause, he even manages to lift his gaze and--
...
What he finds waiting there makes him smile.
Morbid as it may be, the idea of having someone to rely on, someone to turn to is one that Toshi has never really known. He's found it to some extent in Sano, in being allowed to live here after the falling out he had with his uncle, but he's barely even had time to come to terms with having a friend willing to put up with him on a daily basis. There's the conversation he had with Souji as well, that brought them closer in so many ways and gave Toshi a far better understanding of where Souji is coming from, but he thinks of Souji as someone he has to be strong for. Someone who needs him.
With Hajime, it's completely different. For the first time in his life, Toshi finds himself with someone he can turn to when he's just not strong enough. And Toshi has no real idea of what to even do with all of this loyalty and devotion he hasn't begun to deserve.
But he's grateful. He might not think he deserves any of it, but that doesn't stop him from being so infinitely grateful. ]
He finally move in on you or something, Hajime? Or is it more a collective 'we,' like... like how couples talk?
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Now it's just another thing that would naturally affect them both. If Hajime makes macaroni and cheese for dinner (with real cheese, thank you very much, Toshi, that's a thing that exists), he's probably making it for both of them. If Souji gets a pet, then he's probably going to make Hajime clean up after it.
And even if Souji had made that joke once before, that Hajime would be the mom and Souji would be the dad, somehow it sounds a little different to hear someone else say it, and he can feel his face flushing.]
It's...more like his way of saying he wants a pet but we both know I'll wind up taking care of it.
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[ Toshi's smile is almost aching as the tension in his muscles slowly ebbs, visibly sagging against the wall behind him as he somehow remembers how to breathe again. The way Hajime's talking about his relationship with Souji-- Not roommates, not romantic, just... joined. By something unspoken and intangible and yet so present that it shapes the very way they live--
It reminds Toshi of the coffee in the mornings. Of Souji grabbing the heaviest boxes out from the back of the truck before Toshi's even gotten his seat belt off if Souji's noticed that Toshi's still trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. Of never asking Souji why he's busy when he takes the day off, but asking if he's sure he's okay.
'We.'
It doesn't seem like much of a word, but it's somehow exactly what Toshi needed to hear. ]
no subject
[It's not a word he's ever thought of consciously applying to it. It just...is what it is. Souji has enough problems with his family and Hajime isn't really close to his, even if he's on perfectly civil terms with them, and so maybe Hajime hasn't thought about using the word because he'd grown up thinking that was all family was. The people in your house, the ones listed on your birth certificate, with nothing else automatically implied.
And Souji's more than that. Saying what they had was like family would be like saying that Souji was just someone who was there, but who Hajime wasn't emotionally invested in. Like saying Hajime was someone Souji probably only put up with because he had to.
But something about the way the word sounds coming out of Toshi's mouth is different.]
I think you could say that.
[Maybe Hajime's been thinking about it the wrong way. Trying to match the definition to the people, instead of the people to the definition.]
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Or so he's been told.
But between Hajime and Souji and Sano-- More and more as of late, the opposite has proven true to him. He would defend Souji from the cruelties of the world at whatever cost. He would answer Sano's calls at any hour, for any reason. And Hajime-- Hajime's the one who is here with him now, the one he looks to in his time of need. And perhaps it's unfair of him to rely on someone as young as Hajime, who has so much else going on, and yet...
And yet he can look in Hajime's eyes and see that Hajime needs to be here for him almost as much as Toshi needs him in return. He doesn't understand, not really, but he's... at peace with it, for the moment. He feels calmer now. He still feels a bit nauseous, the bloodlust lingering but nowhere near as maddening or overwhelming as before.
The color comes back to his hair, slowly at first. He blinks and the red of his eyes vanish. He reaches up to touch a stray lock of hair in his peripheral vision, smiling weakly at the sight. ]
...that's good.
[ He's talking to Hajime, picking up their conversation where they left off. ]
I'm glad you two have found something. Maybe you could get him... a fish or something.
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For now.
For how long?
Still, it's not like he can force Toshi to do something about it - and even if he could, he recognizes how screwed up it would be to make anyone do such a thing. All he can do is help in whatever way Toshi lets him, even if that just means standing guard, unable to do anything to ease his pain. Even if that means -
- he still doesn't know if he can go that far.
Tonight, at least, he won't have to.]
He'll never clean the tank.
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He smiles at the thought of Souji failing at even owning a fish, giving a little shrug as he all but sags against the wall in his relief. ]
One of those... betta fish, then. Or, hell. What're those fuckers called. I saw them on the TV once.
...those moss ball things. They're Japanese.
...
Pet rock. Something.
[ Toshi's breathing levels out finally, and he cracks something of a smile in Hajime's direction. ]
I... I think I'm good, Hajime. Could I just-- Ask you one more thing? Sorry, I know it's probably been a hell of a night.
...but, ah. Could you just-- Come... a little closer? I just-- I want to see if it comes back--
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[It certainly has been a hell of a night, but refusal doesn't even cross Hajime's mind, and he stands up straight, pulling away from the door and taking a few slow, measured steps in Toshi's direction, then pausing in his tracks.]
Closer?
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...
Here.
[ Managing to hold onto his weary smile still, Toshi pats the space next to him on the floor. ]
...keep the knife.
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- but after the condition he found him in, it's hard not to worry, and there's something evaluative in his gaze as he sits, like he doesn't want to take Toshi's word for it that he's fine.]
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He smiles tiredly over at Hajime, taking a moment just to enjoy the quiet of his mind.
And then he--
Just to be absolutely certain, he reaches out hesitantly with one hand, faltering several times in midair before finally letting his hand come to rest just over Hajime's wrist. His palm closing over Hajime's soft skin, he simply takes a moment to soak in the warmth. Nothing. He feels absolutely nothing but his infinite relief, nothing but his boundless gratitude.
He feels so indebted to Hajime in this moment that he doesn't even know what he can possibly say or do. So he just breathes. He breathes, and his strength gives out, and he finds himself leaning on Hajime's shoulder ever so slightly even as he tries to stay upright against the wall. ]
...thank you, Hajime. For-- For coming over. For bearing with me.
For everything.
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[He exhales softly as Toshi's hand settles over his, finally taking his eyes off Toshi and tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. Not that he minds looking at Toshi, so much as -
- it's a gesture of trust, as much as him sitting next to the other man now is. It's offering Toshi a break from the scrutiny, of not having to feel Hajime's eyes on him waiting to see if he slipped. He knows he can't be feeling even half the strain this must've put on Toshi, but Hajime just wants to - to not have to keep staring at him and waiting for a sign that he hopes will never come.
He trusts that it isn't coming now.
Without Toshi to focus on, though, nothing else in the room feels like it's worth the attention, and so his gaze drifts for a moment, around the bedroom, the furniture -
- it settles on the closet door, left ajar, and the flash of something blue peeking out from within. Not just because it's a color he's never seen Toshi in (and doesn't really seem like one he'd wear much, from what Hajime's seen of his fashion sense), but...it's a familiar blue, with a familiar pattern of white triangles along the bottom.
It's a pattern that's shown up in Hajime's closet, too, without any sign of where it came from.]
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...Hajime? What is it?
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[By which he doesn't really mean "did you just buy that" so much as "did that just show up."]
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Sano's got one too. We've been meaning to figure out something about them, but, ah...
[ He laughs quietly, and Hajime will have to forgive him if he's sounding rather bitter. ]
Been busy.
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[Not that he's done any better about looking into it. He can't judge.]
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...should've guessed, for you. Sano came as a surprise, though. Maybe we should-- I dunno. Talk about it together...?
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...I haven't looked in Souji's closet lately.
[>"lately"
>implying this is a thing that otherwise happens
>wow hajime]
But Souji and I have both appeared in each others' memories...so it may be prudent to ask him, as well.